Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

At midnight tonight 2009 will come to a close and brings us the new year 2010.

It has been an eventul year for me. In the middle third of the year I had a cancer scare and after getting a second opinion , a D & C, the big C was cancelled out. Next came the 6 months medication which brought about the total dissappearance of my much trouble giving fibroids. At present it look as if it also mark the onset of my menopause with my palpitation problems.
All these got me sitting down and dwell on life and death, how I felt about leaving my kids and finally surrendering my life to Him again.

On the family front, changes in the family structure brought about quite a bit of anxiety to me and hubby. For me, I don't know whether the anxiety came first or the change. Whatever it is, I pray that all will turn out fine for everybody with minimal hurt and pain especially to my special love.

On the cyberworld, I was reminded how blessed I am as I got connected with so many of my ex students who felt that I still has a place in their life. I had a drink and short chat with one them this afternoon that brings about further reminder to me that it is true that I did touch life as I went along.

Coming to the children, A moves along well and ended the year with a new job beginning next year. I believe He will look after him as he goes along. E looks more relaxed after his EOS and ended the year with a semi 2 months holiday in Singapore. His stint also allows the family to reconnect with my sister, and her kids. It was a good reminder once again of those whom we love and who loved us.Little sweetheart is still the happiness of the family bringing tears of laughter and smiles to everyone with her antics. She is growing up fine.

With that, happy new year to all and may 2010 brings everything we wish for to all my loved ones including my family friends and ex-students.

Having live with her for 26 years listening to her complains, scoldings, swearing and all else help me to know her through and through. I know what are the things she is capable of including dealing with charms and all these is so frightening.

All these years I hear her scolding and targets of her scolding and swearing includes mtself, my parents, ,my siblings, her siblings, her relatives, her inlaws and practically everyone that comes along her way. How she tries to turn their children against their parents. How she was the saviour of everyone and everything.

I ignored all these for 26 years. Now the spear is coming nearer ans nearer. it is approaching my children and that means ultimately me.

At this instant I am just very tired.

Wows

To love and to cherish
For better or worse
In sickness and in health

So easily and eagerly said,
So hard to carry out.

When we said our marriage wows, it came so automatically and natural on that fateful day that we give it no second thoughts
If we are lucky we never have to recollect what we promise on the day Oh what bliss that will be.
In times of turmoil and junctions of our life, when we have to face the truth and make a choice, demonstrate or carry out this promise, only then do people find it so very hard. When we have to choose, when we have to put our foot down, when we have to show we meant it, the weight of that promise weight so heavily upon us that we wish all evidence of it is gone.

life is fragile, love is even more delicate. If we don't conciously define what we want and place our priority, all could be confusing and painful especially when others are selfish.

And with a soft blow, all can go up in smoke. In the end, we found out that we are the only losers but by then, all is lost and gone.

Era Update

The light is flickering but I am going to make sure it goes on lighting. I am even willing to let go other things. I am furious enough . Too bad if others don't sense it.

End or an Era or Start of an Era

It is like the end of an era, a long overdue end.Hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel will not flicker off but grow brighter.

For 20 over years, I had been submitting and 'yun'. I step aside, I step back. I allowed my personal life to be taken over by her. All for the peace in the house and for his peace of mind. I have reach the end of the road. It has been coming and no one wanted to face it. Everyone thought it will be a phase that will go off. I too wanted it to be but I found out that when I take a step backwards, she takes a step forward and that I decide is not the way it should be. I finally stood up and say that's it.

I want to take over my role as the mother of my children, mistress of my home and family. I will start to decide where to place my things in my house, get my privacy of my own room, walk to every part of my house at any time of the day,openly goes for holiday, spend my own hard earned money the way I want to for a better quality of life. I want to be able to throw away things I don't want, buy things I want, use things the way I want.I want to be able to sit down in my own hall and read the newspaper and watch the TV.I want to tell the helper what and how to clean my house. I want to invite who I want to my house at any time. In short I want to be me leading my own life in my own home.

I hope to do it with the loyalty of my loved ones but if they decide otherwise. I will accept it because I believe at some part of my life I want to put myself first. I need to be selfish sometimes because I am the only one I know will stay with me for the rest of my life. As I was forced to drove away from my own home in my loneliness, tears and pain that morning,I decided it is only me for myself. I am the only one that will never leave me at all times.It is OK. We all need to wake up at some part of our life. It is going to be a big change and it is going to be tough for me but I think it is long dued and I will walk through it. After this, I am awake to reality.

In the darkest of my hours, years leading to my mother's death and after, months before I resign from my job, and these few weeks, I feel so alone. No, nobody please don't take offence. It is not because you all were not there. It is just that you didn't know exactly my feelings and it is not your fault. It is partly because I don't share completely and I don't ask or insist you are not at fault again.I spend a lot of hours alone, sometimes yearning for that hug, that comforting right words and the mere presence. Maybe it is the passage of life I need to go through. In the darkness of the night, it can be cold and quiet. But I grow stronger.This time, I feel the presence of my mother. Mama rest in peace. I know you love me but you have done all you can bringing me up. I know the pain you feel now but it's ok. Your daughter will survive. I know you are beside me. Go in peace.

To the sister, her hubby, her maid, my brother thanks for being there every second. I know how much you have done.You are truly loyal and I feel so comforted. Right now the road is mine to walk. I know you are always be there when I stretch out my hands just the way you will stay in the shadow when I am well.

Note: With due respect for me, no comments for this blog

My Love Affairs

The first category are those who love me unconditionally. They place me first above themselves in sickness amd in wealth. To them I could do no wrong and my happiness is theirs as well.They are there with me in my sorrow and pain, holding my hands quietly not saying anything when I am silent, giving me their undivided loyalty at my lowest time, just simply giving me all they have without regret.

Next there is the declaration of the strong, sincere love of how much I am needed and how much I meant to them and how they can't live without me. They promise me the world knowing very well I wouldn't ask for anything from them. Unfortunately they need to fullfill their responsibilities elsewhere and they ask for your understanding and plead for your patience. Everything is for me except that they can't let go of others however much they wanted to .Doesn't this sound awfully familiar to the soap opera you see on TV? The similarity can send a shiver down your spine if you are related to it. They declare you are the one and only one, they lavish you with materal,being cosy when they are around. They are tryng and trying to break other commitments but that never happen after years of the affair.

Yet they re are those who love but have their own life to lead. They are there momentarily but they won't be there all the time. I know it and accepted it. They have my blessings as they walk away. I treasure the moments I have with them.

To all my lovers, I love each and everyone of you. I thank you for the love, the experience and the enlightenment. You played a big part in completing my life.

To the first group, you love and spoilt me and I conciously remind myself to appreciate and say my thanks. I don't know if my love for you is just as strong as yours for me, but I love you the very best I could and if it is not enough, I could only pray that you will be blessed by Him over.

To the second, it is like waking up one of these days and realised that I have given all I have to you and today I wonder if I had been stupid. I danced to the love tunes we hear together and enjoyed all the moments together. It was a good dream. I wish I could be in that dream forever but as He wishes, I woke up.Now I weigh the pros and cons and take a stand.I wonder why no one told me about being a second fiddle. Maybe those who should wasn't around.It is no one's fault but mine that I chose the path.

Lastly, to those who loved me but need to go, go with my blessings. May He look after you when and where I can't be for I love you all no less. Your happiness is mine as well and your pain is mined to share too.Find your love. They that you love, let them go for if they don't return, they were not yours to start with. And if they do, they will truly be yours.

Love is so very fragile to me. You try not to question for you know it might cause a crack. And when a crack is formed, you wonder if it will ever be healed.

Lovely serenate, lovely story.Good to write and interesting to read.Until it pops up from the paper, may it be the fairy tale.

Thank You Lord

I have just came back from a follow-up checkup with my gynaecologist. It is good to know that after 6 months of medication and spending RM1K on it, my fibroids are officially gone. Otherwise imagine going through the surgical process of removing my womb which was suggested 6 months ago by another doctor.Both the doctors I believe have done their best in their ability to advice and it is up to me to make the final decision. For now I am happy with mine. Now to wait for my body to give me a quiet peaceful menopause.

In the last 6 months, from the first doctor to the second's D and C. I remembered waiting for the result fearing cancer that was mooted by the first doctor. I also remember thinking at that time what if I was awarded the big C.

I admit it was scary. I started to question myself if I was ready to leave my children. I started thinking deep and long about each and everyone of them including my husband. In a lady's life , the most important people are her children and her husband.(at least to me) When I found out that I was cleared, it was a big relief. But my thoughts didn't stop there.

Over the months, together with other happenings,I began to think of questions which includes whether I was ready to let go, should I let go, is it time to let go, are they ready to be independent. To whom am I letting them off to.What is my stand when they find their life long partner, where do I stand if they are caught between me and their spouses. I had the chance to discuss many of the answers with my chidren and I hope that if they need to, my thoughts will help them to go through certain times of their life.

At the end, I feel at ease that I have shared with them. it is now for them to take note and remember. (don't worry, if I change my mind, I will let them know too : ) )
All these helps me to realise many things, put them into thoughts and words, make certain decisions about my life and once again, thank you Lord, I now see Your reason for all that I am going through.

Love

#Love me and honour me by honouring all those around you. Let me spread my love and care through you. Loving me does not require a specify place. Honouring me can be done everywhere.Let others know that together with you, we love all and we want to spread love and peace.There is no need to shout about it. Just go about things and all will know.

#Love me and make sure that I am above all. You must choose me when there is a need to choose between me and anything else and everybody else. You show your love by being with me only at this place and no where else. Tell others loud and clear about how great I am and why you love me so that they will do the same.It doesn't matter if it hurts for that is a sacrifice they must make to show their trust in me.

Which is me?

It is the first kind of love that I would like to be associated with. To me love is quiet, but lots can be done. Love is possible everywhere and not at anyone place. As life unfold itself for me at my fifties, I do a lot of soul searching. With time at my side, I ask and I answer. I may be advised to change, maybe I should change but to me I prefer to be me.I have never been loud and being loud is not me.I know I have duties and responsibilities and I have and will perform them to my best. But at certain junction, I will not allow it to hurt me.

At my fifties, I have completed quite a few of my 'jobs'. It is not my nature to expect thanks so that will not hurt me. But that does not mean that I don't know when I am placed second, performing duties that is liking throwing salt into the sea and I will definitely response to it.I don't take revenge for that is not me but I will stop non appreciated acts and withdrawn if the situation renders it. Lastly, once withdreawned I will think doubly hard before I extend again. I prefer to extend elsewhere instead of going back to the original and hope for it to have changed.

Potato Chips Biscuit

Last weekend Au and I tried this 'savoury' recipe that I got from a book in the library.Apologies to the author as I have no idea the source.As I said before, the family do not have a sweet toooth but cookies to munch is something we learn to enjoy. So I had been trying to satisfy both needs.

130 g butter
50 g sugar
1 egg yolk
1/4 tsp vanilla
40 g cornflour
180 g flour
45 g ground potato chip

Followed normal lili's method ie cream the first 2 and add the rest! I guess I am no novice cook or chef. Just someone who does it.
Bake at 160 deg celcius for 15 minutes.
Amount should turn out 50 cookies

edit
used 40 g sugar
55 g chips
180 deg and waited till cookies turn light brown

verdict
At first try, we felt that it is nothing spectacular, not sweet or savoury just a bit. But after a few more cookies, we begin to feel it gives a special crunch to it and according to daddy, has a potato taste to it. So we decided it is worth an edited version

So I plan to do it again with a bbq or tomato based chips, to increase the chips to 60 g and see the difference.

Be Counted

Some days I woke up fresh and ready to go. Somedays I wake up all tired and wanted to crawl under the blanket.And there are days when you decided to wake up, stand up firm and state your stand. Today is one of those days for me.

Starting from my maternal grandma, we hold the ancient chinese character of 'yun'. It incoperates tolerates, acceptances, swallowing the bitter quietly and avoiding conflicts.I can't think of an english equivalent word.My grandma was a second wife of a rich herbal merchant. Being the second wife in a large extended family was not easy.The first wife treated her well (basing on my mother's stories) but the children from the first wife definitely saw her as a threat and regarfed her as a maid. Anyway she is a soft spoken gentle lady (with all the hard work, her hands are as soft as candy) and you never hear her voice above a certain decibel. Whenever we spoke of how she is treated, she will smile and tell us to 'yun'.

Next come my mother She is well educated and refined. For a lady at her times(early 1900s) she is an accounting graduate,plays the classical musical instuments and and does emboideries beautifully. If she sees any of my needlework today, she will turn in her grave! She again resembles her mother in subscibing to 'yun'. No quarrels no shouting but she does shows her displeasure at times.Until I am married, I have NEVER heard a profanity murmured.

Coming to my sister and I, we are still strongly influenced. When we meet with unpleasant people ,our first instint is to avoid.When we have nasty colleagues and bosses, we were train to walk off rather than confront. I can't speak for my sister, but for me, I still hates to confront. I move off, I steer clear and in the case of my career, I was even ready to quit than to creat a scene or involved anybody else. It is funny how so many of her level so called friemds decided to stand up for me and was all ready to storm it out with her for me!

In the home front, I allowed my MIL to rule my home and life all these years. Not because I like it but just to keep the peace. Any unhappy feelings, I keep to myself. I refraim from shouting and telling people off. As long as it doesn't hurt my chidren, I stomach it because they are the most important people in my life.

But today (though I don't know if it will last), I decided to make my stand. I decided that there is no need to be a nice guy at the expence of myself. TOday I decided I am important I will call a spade a spade, tell things as it is even if it will cause hurt.My children are big enough and they are ready to be on their own.It is time for me to let go of them. I am ready to stand up and be counted. I can and will make decisions if it comes to it and I will survived.

I am sorry mummy and grandma that I have evolved from you all but I believe sometimes we need to be counted.

The Week that Was

Started this week planning to have some good times with Au since it is her last week of hols before she start 3rd semester. At the same time, MIL was not around so another reason to relax.

Unfortunately, palpitations turn bad. it was so bad that I needed a few days to recuperate. It was the second time it went on for approximate 8 hours and the body felt exhausted after that.I guess I aggravated it by being uptight about certain things. Good time to make a stronger effort to block out unpleasant things.

Good thing that came out from it: I was pampered the whole week by the family. Au spend her last week of hols looking after me and daddy took care of the food. I wasn't even allowed to wash and iron or clean.

In the end, need to do some more tests to establish the reasons for the palpitations. though I suspect it has something to do with my menopausing. In the meantime, have to try to block unhappy things and just stay immuned.

Did had a good afternoon making sardine and tuna rolls with Au though.

Pastry from
250 g butter
500 g flour
cold water
pepper salt
parmeson cheese
Au did it with me overseeing and it turn out just fine. It was so nice that we enjoyed the pastry even without the sardine.

making the sardine, this time I remember to add
lemon juice,
salt
pepper
chillies
to one tin of mashed sardine
cooked with chopped onions

Tuna was a last minute thing when we have extra pastry so we miss out on the chillies. Also it was in oil and we didn't add any mayonnaise, it was easier to make.
Taste wise, sardine is stronger.

My little brain is thinking of using minced meat like Char siew and making them into little round disc like the spaceship when I next try it.

Negative and Positive

There are days when one is down and there are days when one feel up. When one is down, one need friends and family to hold you up. Similarly when we are up, we should send out positive vibes to help others who are down.

If we only emits the negative, very soon, we will neutralise a lot of positive. It is true that we are often brought down by the negative like anger, frustration and just being a pessimist.We owe it to ourselves to make a conscious effort to push it off. I read about it a long time ago. I tried practising it. It is not easy to replace negative with positive but It can be done. And when we did it, it is like winning a battle against them.

I also find that the negative will come back again and again AND again and again we need to replace it until it gives up. The important thing is that I do it for myself and no other reason.I feel good as I conquer it. I feel good that I am in control and not controlled by others around me

I next believe I need to practise letting things be.I want to but sometimes wonder if it is right to do so. Do I let go and let things take it's own course? At which point is it being irresponsible towards those we love.It is easier to take this course but is life meant to be like this.To me it is like walking on the road without looking left or right and letting fate take over. And that doesn't sound too right.

Baked chicken mimi styled

Last friday, daddy wasn't home and MIL went off to dinner.
Tried out self coined baked chicken with the help of Au.

Baked Chicken, mimi style for 4 pax

4 chicken full thigh
4 chicken wings
seasoned with salt, pepper, olive oil, wine, dash of vineger for half a day

carrots
cauliflower
bombay onions,
garlic
parboiled potatoes
all cut into bite size
seasoned with salt pepper. chicken stock,oyster sauce

using olive oil, cook onions and garlic, add in the rest of vegetable
pour into buttered metal dish (to get faster baking : ) )
top with chicken dot with butter

Baking timetable, 180 degree celcius bast with sauce 20 minutes, 40 minutes.
with butter at 50 and 60 minutes

comment vege just right texture. taste good

New Tries on Orange and Chiocolate cakes

Last weekend converted an idea to a recipe. Tried out the orange cake adding kei chee soaked with brandy. Wanted to add longan as well but ran out of stock so raisins was added.

At first taste, there wasn't much to say but later on, after savoury it myself slowly, kinda like the change. Sofe with a liitle bit on the seeds. Should get the good sweet variety and maybe use chinese wine?MIL like it too!!!

The next variation tried was to add the belgium button chocolate into my favourite chocolate cake recipe Converted to cupcakes, one button per cup. Chocolate was gooey but I think i will add one and a half the next round and break it up. It will stay gooey better.

Orange Cake
150 g butter
100 g sugar (I normally use 80 only)
Rind of 1 orange
1 1/2 tbsp orange juice (lemon substitute is just as nice)
3 eggs
125 g sr flour
1/8 tsp baking powder
1 tsp milk powder

#for every 100 g sr flour, I use 1 tsp baking powder and enough plain flour to make up 100 g.Cheaper!

Zero

Do you somedays have this feeling of just no feelings. not wanting to do anything, just sit back and stare?
If mood is signified by numbers, today is zero. No thoughts, no feel just waiting for nightfall to have a good night sleep.
What a blog!!!!!!

.......................................

I was looking into R 's profil when I open up the link to'Thank you Jesus '. It was a lovely hokkien song about His love. Without fail, times like this stirs up my emotions. His love, the purest form.

Gifts from Students

Yesterday my tuition kid gave me the second bottle of pickled mangoes ( results from the mother's labour). Before that was mooncakes.Thinking back on gifts from my students, apart from the usual things on teachers day, gifts includes ginseng honey, Brands essencs of chicken, cream of soup, mooncakes, imported cookies and boxes of mandarin oranges. I am always very touched by it because it never occur to me that I would receive gifts like that.And the fact that some of the gifts were given by some who are not earning. I always try to reciprocate by giving them back an ang pow but that is not always possible. To all of them, I would like to say that it is not the price but the thought that touches me and may all of you be blessed for such thoughts.

Topics for Discussion

I always wonder why some of the questions discussed in public has such shallow mentality. I don't know if it comes with age or has society gone backwards. The questions asked and discussed upon just get me agitated Examples

Topic: should people change after they get married?
I thought they were referring to character change or habits change. which I believe a leopard never change its spots.Apparently the person involved was talking about whether a married man should spend more time at home after becoming a father relative to bachelorhood time. The question is not'changing' We are talking about being responsible towards a home, wife and kids which shoukld be there if the maturity is attained by the time he marries.

Topic : should caning be allowed in school?
The right questions should be: when, how and why should caning be carried out in school?What is it's objective and at which point is the objective attained?Does the school authorities and parents including the students know the reasons for the caning, do they accept the caning? Are the children edicated in the process?

I can think of afew others but I better refrain from further comments.Before I get myself into trouble.

Ideas

Some ideas I picked up while reading in the library this week.

1. pastry for pies- add coriander seeds, cheese, lemon juice, sesame seeds at the right occasion

2. Butter cake with lomgan and kee chi soaked in milk or brandy. Should be interesting.

3. Butter cake with raisins and chopped pineapple. Should be better tastewise compared to pineapple upside down cake though not as nice to see.

4. Making crumble . - add oats (healthy but not so nice) or chocolate chips (Au dream but need to think about it first), dessicated coconut (not a favourite of family though)

5. Instead of apple, to try topical fruits like 1 papaya, 225 g pineapple, 1 1/2 tsp ginger, 100 g butter and 100 g sugar cook 10 mins till soft.

6. banana crumble with 4 just ripe banana sliced with 2 tsp of rum and lime. Daddy said he tried that at some hotel but didn't like the crumble (too floury. ). Maybe with my crumble it should be better.

Well. ideas. ideas. One of thease days I will transfer you all under 'recipes'

Last Week

Had been a busy week with no particular big projects. Au finished her EOS on Tuesday and has been spending time with her since. Went for movie in mid valley.... G-force. -light and entertaining: my way to relax. Next had lunch with sister and got her linked up at facebook. And that got the nieces' attention. 2 senior citizens in the world of the young people! I also took the opportunity to learn a few things.

Next spend a day out with Au shopping and running errands.

Had another good link to an ex student from way back 1980.A group Isaw from form 4 to form 6 not forgetting attending my wedding.Wow and wow, they have changed so much I could hardly recognise half of them.

One last thing. My oven of 20 years finally decided to retire.Need to look for one before any new baking could be done. Sorry kids and hubby. ; )

To Singapore

Ed will be doing 6 weeks of attachment in Singapore's Tan Tock Seng and NUH. He will be staying with his cousins, my nieces and nephew, As paranoid parents, we couldn't resist the chance to take a drive down to SIngapore last weekend.It was to orientate him to the surroundings, Singapore's life style and to introduce him to the public transport system which he will be using. The cousins have voluntered to go to his rescue when he needs it but we felt that he must still need to know his way around.

After 24 hours of guided tour to all the possible hospitals, MRT stations, bus routes, he now has a better idea how not to be lost!

Apart from all that, we had been treated to a eating fiesta. We were rushed to try out Katong laksa, otak otak, little petite paus (I just can't remember the name but it is supposed to be very popular), fine dining at International Hotel, moon cake of various types and supplies, Singapore's loh mee and not forgetting Japanese at Sushi Sakai (hope I got the spelling right). All that went through our tummy within 24 hours.

The Singaporeans were perfect hosts till it was embarassing.It was good, it was filling to the tummy and I thank God for such blessings.

My sister

Spend a weekend in Avillion Admiral Cove with sister, brother and their families. Took the opportunity to celebrate sister's 66th birthday.

Obsreving her was a good therapy. She is a simple lady who is totally worried about others. What others think, what others feel She reminds me a lot about my mum and my granny.They want to go thro life not troubling anyone , not disturbing and not being a burden. In doing that, they put a lot of stress into their own life and somethings worried unnecessarily.

She so unassuming that if she knew we were celebrating her birthday, I am sure she wouldn't have gone to PD. But one should see how her happiness radiates out when she saw her daughter jouining the holiday. Until the last minute, she didn't want to believe her son will be coming. And all she need to know that beneath everything, she has a husband who love her so very much in his own way and she has 2 children who really do cares a lot for her.

To my loving sister, may you have many more happy returns of the day.

Hong KOng movie Actions

When I was young and was watching those old Hongkie movies, there is always the scene when an old man or an old lady will be so mad with somebody that they will be gasping for breath and then fall down. I used to think ' what a novel way to show angry and upset but that is so faaaaaaaake!'
Well today at 52 years old, let me explain the scene again. When you get upset, one DO get to the stage of gasping. You won't be able to say anything without choking.Only difference is that I am yet to reach the stage of clutching your heart,collapsing on the floor and end up in hospital. (Diffinitely not die too as I am still typing here). So for all of you out there, don't prejugde too fast. Many things that happens on the screen do get real.
Remember too the scene when they get upset and they walked to the temple and not go home? I wonder how they come to that decision when they are only mad at some and not all. Or are they at a stage when they are mad at everyone and everything?

This Time of Life

The family is at the time when the members comprise of an elderly one,a retiree, about to retire main wage earner, a new entry into the workforce, and 2 undergrads. So how is the sentiment?

The next few years should see major changes in the setup.As daddy approaches 55, I pray that he is as prepared as he claim to be for it.Working has been stressfull though he has bosses who always value him and respect him. ( the stress comes more from our sence of responsibility and not external). Though we are comfortable financially, it will take sometime to accept the fact that at month end, there will be no salary credited into the account.In exchange, quality of life especially health will be more peaceful. With that, we hope to catch up on the short courtship time that we so miss in our earlier days. Doing things together and maybe doing some travelling, picking up our hobbies like cooking.

All these will be more meaningful when we can get oueselves to let go of the children. Though Ad is working, as all parents, you think of the eventuality of losing a job, getting tricked, revolving round an unhappy working environment, not finding a good life partner and all other things that parents can think of.Finally you just say a prayer and leave all to Him.

After obtaining their degrees , you pray that the two younger ones made the right choice for their career. That they too will be happy, independent and maybe find their life's love.

As parents, you pray for them, then you remind yourself to let go and at times wonder if the little birds let go will come back. Knowing them, I guess they will but you also pray that you will not disrupt their lifes too much. What an irony to want and not to want. Hopes, prayers and wishes of a parent. So complicated and yet so simple. So much and yet so little.

Last 2 Weeks

For the past 2 weeks, everytime I am in front of the computer, I am stuck with a blind mind. Other times, especially when I am driving, I could think of so many comments to make. Is it a sign of bad distraction?

2 weekends ago, Ed helped organished the 1st Malaysian International Medical Students' Conference. Being him, the 'help' became a 'co' and he was rushing from Seremban to KL, back to Seremban for lectuires and back again within 24 hours. He was producing the programme book which I must say is very well done. I am proud of him. (I too need to make myself download pictures from the camera and use them in my blog!). Naturally, with him being busy, daddy and mummy were kept on toes too. Packed moon cake, baked cupcakes amongst other things.

This weekend, need not cook for him so I baked a chicken pie. I have always avoided this because I have this phobia that the liquid will soak thro and the pastry will be wet. Either that or the filling will be dried. Well this time, I decided to make sure thre filling will be moist by adding flour to it. Lol, got daddy to cook it and forgot to tell him about adding flour. So the pastry was good but the filling a bit dry. Made sauce for it but the family prefer it without. Also forgot to put the eggs in in the rush to bake it for lunch.

Ingredients used
1 chicken breast meat
8 large prawns
mixed vege (next round should try only jagong and par boiled carrots)
1 chopped bombay onion
2 boiled eggs

seasoning
sesame oil,
salt pepper
flour
oregano

Pastry
250 g flour
125 g butter
milk
pinch of salt and pepper

Would like to try and inprove on it and if I am not lazy make them into little pies. We will see

Emotions

The last 10 days has been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings.

Started with thanksgiving after bitting our nails for sometime when Ed pass his exams.While the family was in PD I heard news of an ex teacher in ICU suspected of H1N1. Sad to say she succumb to pneumonia last weekend. (Only an autopsy will determine if it has anything to do with the flu). Early 40s and with a young daughter. May she rest in peace.

Then an exstudent sms announcing marrige to another exstudent. Both had been in close contact all these years guy being pretty close so happiness, Congrats and best wishes to both of them.

Then I saw a memorial put up on another ex student'that has passed on due to a motor accident 7 years ago.His mum puts up an advert every year and every year it pains me to see this mum feeling so sad.

The week too has been a good week for me as I spend time shopping with Ed, lunch with Ed and Au, bringing groceries to a home, baking with the kids, enjoying the movie UP as a family and a bbq with my brother and his family. Warm, nice, laughter, close, blessed are some of the words I would use. It is good to enjoy every moment we have together giggling, teasing, sharing and just being together. We never know what life brings us next, when there will be those who will be overseas, busy with babies (hint hint to the one involved) or just having their own program.

And the week break ended with us bringing down 2 shelves to S'ban (literally last minite decision), dismantalling, moving and setting up 2 TV racks, and shopping for a new one too. All spontaneous in a matter of 8 hours.Thank you Ad for forgoing your plans and thank you all for a beautiful week.

Weekend Off

Last weekend, the five of us had a short trip to PD. It was planned as an after-Ed's-exam celebration and it was good that we truly celebrated as he made it through his first professional paper.I have noticed that others always seems to have more confidence in my children but being parents, we were always ready for all eventuality. Antway we say our thanksgiving and we had a slow relaxing weekend at the Avillion Admiral Cove. Nice cosy place. Took a good look at yatch that we will never own! And just a chance for the family to sit down and yak the world away.The siblings were happy to be able to tease and bully each other.Daddy forgot the coupons and had to pay for the rooms in full. Mummy just tag along, stared into space and say my thanks again and again.

Punishment

One day last week, little daughter came back and asked me how was she punished when she was young. Apparently, her friends and her were exchanging notes on the subject and she realised she has nothing to contribute.
Actually it is the truth. Hubby and me has never really need to punish the kids. Fair enough first time parents, when Ad was born, I did cane him once. That enrage my mum and it hurts me trerribly so that was the end of the rotan.Subsequently I only remember having to give the look of non approval for discipline. I always said that I am truly blessed with good kids and I am yet to regret not using any physical kind of punishment.
Praise the Lord.

Fair as in Equal

The word 'fair" has always been known to mean equality to me. In all I do, I try my utmost to be fair. When I handled students, I make sure my conscience says it is justified and fair. When I deal with teachers, I make sure I have a reason for all I do.

In my personal life, I don't like to impost. I remind myself never to use guilt. All my children should be treated equally in love, attention and every other aspect. If I could I don't bother my husband about many things especially if it is unpleasant as I know he has his own problems and challenges in life.Why then when I am at the receiving end, I find things so unfair.(I can't substitute it with any other word less harsh)

My mother in law has 7 children but I alone had to live with her for the last 22 years with practically no help from my in laws. Her welfare is my family to bear. Giving her pocket money, her up keeping, medical, travels and all her whims and fancies were met. She is taken to all the places she wanted to go every weekend and brought back home the instant she wants it.All other things is of no interest to her.In return she control my life. I can't go on holidays as it upsets her. I can't run my house as I wanted too because she wouldn't look like the lady boss of the house. Imagine the house was bought with my hard earn money. She decides my maid, my meals menu, eats only what she likes, believes that all hers is hers and all mine is also hers.
I am the only one who listens to her complains and unhappiness. Worst still in front of others she is totally different.
On the other hand, my mother gave birth to me and brought me up. I had never given her anything that I gave my mother in law. I had never took her everywhere she wants to go. She never got to stay in the house that I bought. I never had the chance to pay for her finances because she is always worried that I don't have enough. She never demand for my attention.
When problems comes up, my in laws says they will look into It but after everything is still the same. My husband says he can handle her but she is only mine to bear.
Am I the only daughter in law?
Did I owe her in my last life?
Is this fair to me?
Don't I have the right to life my own life?
At which point will I be free of her?

I gave my best to my kids. Today I have a son who says that God and church is over and above me.I cook and wash and iron for him while do charity at church.I spend hundreds of thousands of ringgit on him and he priority is to give to the church pastor. What I am for the last 25 years ? Charity home? chopped liver?

Don't mention the word fair to me.Don't mention the word brownie points to me. Don't tell me it is a test from God.Don't tell me I am irrational. Don't tell me it all part of a circle. Because I am angry. I am disappointed. I am beginning to wonder if I need to make drastic changes. I am wondering if I had been stupid for more than a quarter of a century. I am thinking if it is time I put myself first.

Raisin Cake

Ed came back this weekend for a break away from medical terms. As a mid break from exams.
Decided not to use any cocoa for any baking so not to get him all heated up.
First of all tried a coconut cookie biscuit. Actually it sound like just an ordinary cookie with coconut added in it. Not much aroma except for butter cookie smell.Declared out of my recipe list.
2. next decided on a raisin cake . Pretty safe. Soaked raisins in brandy till hubby exclaimed the price of brandy. heh heh heh.
Just a normal butter 250 g butter pound cake. Raisins soaked better at room temperature.Flour the raisins but half of them still sink.Otherwise not much to comment on. Didn't expect much and didn't learn much. By the way brandy didn't didn't go too well with Ad so he ate the cake part while we eat the raisins. Oh, used normal flour with bicarbonate of soda and baking powder.

Hazelnut Sugi Cookies

Tried this out over the weekend as there were leftover sugi in the fridge.

Original recipe

125 g butter
75 g icing sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 tbsp orange juice
180 g s r flour
1/2 tsp bic of soda
40 g sugi
1 egg yolk
1 egg white for brushing
30 g walnut halves to be place on top

Adjustments

sugar can lowered
add rind from the orange to give a wonderful fruity aroma
no sr flour so just pour more baking powder
bic of soda pun sudah habis jadi tak masuk
60 g of sugi was used to give more crunch
egg white forgotten to beat but still gave good glaze
roasted almonds was used

* must learn to take and put in photos

verdict.
not enough
make some more
can repeat.



changes made

Our Daily Bread

Love what is said today. How true.

sociology

When I was first introduced to this subject 31 years ago, it was defined as the study of human with his social surroundings. No man is an island. the only way one can avoid social contact is to live like a hermit up in the hill. but then if we think a little deeper, one still interact with the fauna and flora which in turn will affect others including humans. Bottom line is, you can't escape. So we need to give others consideration. We have no choice. We let them settle in our lifes in their own ways.
In living with others, I like to remember that I am what I am due to others. Everyone I met has a contribution to what I am today. I have parents who gave me life and love meunconditionally giving me all the best and taking second best themselves. Being a parent now, I understand them much better today and understood what they went through.
People I met and came in contact broadened my views and exposes me to the reality of life. Authors who wrote provokes my thoughts I gathered the happiness and the bitterness of life and I am still learning and gathering. Till the day I breath my last, I will be learning.
I understand and accept their contributions with their roles and plan to be a better person as life goes on. I may have my own thoughts and opinions but I have no wish to hurt others who differ from me. (If I can help, at least let me not hurt)I honour my parents and place them high on my hierachy of importance. But that does not mean I don't honour God. I did my best in life to make them proud of me showing them that I appreciate their sacrifice. And that does not mean that God has no role in my lifet.Doing my physical best and accepting God's role in my live is like loving your husband and your children. Loving him more does not mean I love my children less.Accepting faith and taking an active part in my life can run hand in hand and do not mean I am putting one down for another.
p.s
hopefully this ends my present series of deep thoughts and putting in line disturbing opinions.

Feelings

If you feel good, it is right. If you don't feel good, something is not right. When one has a pure heart and have no ill intentions towards others, that is how one should feel. We all have something called concious, little voice, instinct or whatever name you may want to call it that guides us.Whether we listen to it or not is one's choice.For me, I listen to it a lot.So far it hasn't taken me to any pits.
If I don't feel good about something, I am ready to be convinced otherwise but I believe that I should feel good in the end for it to be right.
I reserve the human right to feel. I won't insist on others agreeing nor do I intend to force my opinions onto others. (as a matter of fact, I hate to forcefully argue out things. it never make me happy irregardless the results). You can and might hurt me. That is yours to answer. I feel good when I still approach you with the purest of heart.You may not appreciate it or know it or think it is right. It is ok. I am 52 . I have given my best to my career (with my guiding voice by my side) and have done my best for the generations before and after me.I look for no gratitude nor rewards.At present, I just want o be entitled to my opinions.Until such times that anyone can change them and make me feel good about it., That will be me.
If doing things in sincerity is not sufficient for any parties, we just differ.
For those who don't follow my latest blogs,it is ok.one day you may or you may never do but it doesn't really matter.They are just my reflections and thoughts ... just as my blog title says so.

It

I thought that it was it. When those whom you love got it, you thought they will be safe and you need not worry anymore. So you send one out to get it and then lo and behold, you found out that it isn't what you thought it is You woke up and try to return it. You found out that you can't.The one you send too does not want it returned.
so ....................... now you accept it. You accept that it was it. Whether it was the right one or not, it is here to stay. From now on, you have to live with it.You hope that it doesn't spread to others or that if it is the wrong one, the right one will turn up soon. In the meantime, you turn to it and ask, ................. what went wrong?

nightmare or reality show

There are times in our life that we were terrified till we cold sweat. Then we woke up and is relief to find out that it was just a bad dream or a nightmare. But ....
there are also times when we are rudely awaken from a blissful ignorance to discover that the ugly truth is right there glaring at our eyes. It is times like these that you wish you could turn the clock back. When you realise you can't, you then resign to the reality of life and offer everything to fate or faith whichever you prefer.

Reading and Language

Just came back from the library after spending 3 lovely hours browsing through their red spotted books. Saw books on places to see before you die, events of the world since 2000BC, ways to decorate your home and so many other lovely books big and colourful. Brought about these thoughts

• If I don't love books, I will never have read so many things
• If I am not proficient in English, I will never have read those books
• Will those not proficient lose out so much or is it a case of 'what you don't know don't hurt you"
• Will keeping people not informed have any bearings on their life?
• Have all those who wanted BM ever sat and drool over books?
• Is politics, nationalistic feelings a fair exchange for ignorance?
• Finally,should we just close our eyes and say a prayer and God will take care of everything?

I really can't decide.

Oven dishes 2

An idea for vege whenever I serve western. Otherwise it is always salad.

Roasted Vegetables with cheese
Parboil potatoes and carrot till slightly soft

Sauce
olive oil
1 small onion chopped
2 cloves garlic crushed
400 g chopped tomatoes
1 tbsp tomato puree
1 tsp herbs
Simmer till thick

Carrots, potatoes, peppers, eggplants
onions , garlic, salt pepper
Roast on baking sheet with oil for 20 mins

Sauce at bottom, vege topped with cheese. Bake at 230 celcius till cheese melted

From the book Oven Dishes 1

Few ideas I picked from the book

White cheesy sauce for pasta
75 g butter
1/2 cup flour
2 1/2 cup milk
80 g cheese
2 tsp mustard
salt pepper poured over

500 g pasta with
herbs
garlic
olive oil
4 tbsp white wine
45 g sausages
vege
2 tbsp butter
bake till brown

Start of a new label

When I first retired 2 years ago, one of the first things I did was to put the family's documents together systematically . I guess after doing that for the school for so many years, I decided my home should demand the same attention as I had given the Student Affairs Department. I started with an empty room with practically no files, I build up systems of recording and classification. Now it is time my home to be more organised. It paid for in the process I discovered forgotten finance and wrong things that were happening to the house. At present, I can't say it is perfect but at least we remember bills to be paid, where our finances are, and things to note as days go by.
My next passion is cooking. I am no novice cook. As a matter of fact, I laid off the kitchen quite a bit in my many years in the school. I am now picking it up slowly and surely. I cook out of love for those I feed and I like to venture into areas where it is not common. Meaning, I will not make pau or cook laksa for I feel there are plenty that are close by and good. I like to go into food that is not available daily and I like to mix and match ideas as I pick them up in my reading. I have been pondering how to arrange these for the last few months. Truthfully, I couldn't come up with a good way. So this morning as I was walking between rooms upstairs, I decided to just put all I want into this blog and list it as IDEAS. They will consist of short thoughts and plans I want to do in the kitchen. It will evolve as time goes by but what the heck, this is my blog. Good luck to myself Ha ha ha

Thoughts

I haven't written anything for the last 2 weeks. But plenty has been going on in my head.

First it was MJ's death. No, I am not particularly a fan of his though I admire his music and talent but his death did touches me. He is from my era,(2 years younger) and it got u thinking that in death, all is equal. Again not that we never heard of that statement, but his death is a reminder. You can be rich and famoas but at death, it is still sorrow and pain for those who love you and you are just as venerable to it as the next guy.

Next was TBH's death. . Once again, I am not looking at it at a political point but it hits because you realise that age does not matter. When He decides it is time to go, you just go. At 30, he belongs to my children's generation.So you sit down and think about his parents, theirs feelings, their thoughts and the emotions of his fiancee. As a parent one can relate to their pain.

Then I was reading a book (can't remember the title nor the author) that talks about being quiet, taking things slowly, going back to nature, switching off the TV and generally breathing deeply. I noticed that after the era of fighting for a cause, going all the way for your belief, aiming for the best, the trend is now to slow down.Now one talk about money not being everything, taking things easy to have a fullfilled life etc etc.If I am not mistaken, both beliefs came from the west. So what should it be? I personally believe how we approach life depends on our age, our capabilities , our health, priorities amongst other things.There is no right way or wrong way for that matter.It is how we interpret it that makes the difference. Still remember a 'falsafah' lecturer back in varsity that claims that the question for the paper is always the same every year but the arguement and answer should change.

So bottom line is don't let things get you down. There are always sad news, dissappointments, hurting statements and negarive vibes around. That is more reason for us to conciouslly be positive, laugh, smile and push aside those who carries negative energy.

Jerks

When a child is born, his or her first contact is with the parents.(normal cases). As the child grows up , the biggest influence on the character is still is the family. The time spend with the family is of the highest percentage. A child's instinct too is to please the parents so the child will tend to mimic the parents and perform as expected by the parents.
By the time the child attends school, interaction with others is increased. When a teacher observed irregularities, efforts to change to child's character is made. Some times it is successful, sometimes it is not. This will go on as time goes by and we meet with friends and then colleagues and so forth. As time goes by, the efforts to change the person will reduce. People we meet will either accepts you or move away from you when the character is found to be repulsive.
That character will later married(funny but God is fair enough to find a partner for all, even these jerks!) and they will have children and thus the circle goes on.
Along the line, things still gets unpleasant for people whom they come in contact. Is this what they refer to as adding spices to one's life? I look at it as negative vibes that I prefer to stay away from.
At the same time I remind myself to look at the mirror and try harder NOT to be like these jerks.My personal belief is ..... if you have nothing better to say, don't say anything at all. Not forgetting....... if you can't help, at least don't hurt others.
To the jerks that came along my life., I will minimise any interactions with you all.

Hari ini dalam Sejarah

Today I allow my son to take care of me and take me out for a joy ride on the train. We went to Low Yat to do some shopping for computer stuff. Unfortunately, I still need to pay for lunch ha ha ha Otherwise it will be a perfect 'reverse day.' I can still remember the days when I hold his hands to cross the road and how I took him on his first bus ride at 4 years old.Today he learn to take care of me but he still need more lessons. Final assessment .............. pass with credit.
But I doubt he is interested in scoring distinction. Am I right?

Lamenting

Flu, sore throat, bleeding flu, sore throat, bleeding, toothache, bleeding, mini operation, bleeding total weakness,toothache, flu.......................... This has been irritating me since February. (by the way, I didn't go oversea and no contact with anyone with flu so cannot be H1N1)Not forgetting the family problems that has been popping out.When will it end?
Talk to a Christian, he will tell you God is testing you. Can I spread the test timetable out a bit?
Talk to feng shui guy, There must be something not right about your numbers. Phew! Can I ask for time out?
But then, I shouldn't complain.Be positive. Think of good things and beautiful sceneries....... Now I want a holiday! Aiyah!!!

Savoury Onion Biscuits

Having resolved to make a stronger effort to put aside unpleasant thoughts and be more upbeat, I defy my lovely daughter's orders and did some baking while she was having classes. Wow what a stare I got from her when she came back. Lucky the new recipe turned out well and it soften her look when I quickly pop one into her mouth.

Savoury Onion Biscuits.

150 g butter
60 g icing sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 tbsp egg
120 g nuts grounded with
30 g fried shallots
1/4 tsp bicarbonate of soda
260 g flour
2 tbsp custard powder

50 cookies baked at 170 deg Celsius for 20 to 25 minutes
Result ...... guarantee to soften sharp angry looks!

Being Rich

Yesterday at approximately 7 pm, I was talking to someone who has just bought a RM 2 million apartment in London in anticipation of his son's education there next year. The parents plan to pop over every alternate months to check on the child so the apartment will mean 'savings' on hotel bills!This is similar to a case I know of in which the father bought a house in LA when the son went over there for tertiary education. My first reaction is .... wow so this is how the rich move around. And I thought that getting prepacked meals, boiling water weekly and getting an air cond room for my son in Seremban was over indulgence!Phew, what one can do if one has the money.I remember when we were poor self supporting undergraduates in the late 70's, my friend and I used to see this shop in Sungai Wang with beautiful dresses. We told ourselves that we too could be elegant and beautiful if money allows it. We said that when we could effort it, we will one day come back to the shop and be proud owners one of those dresses. Well, I don't know about her, but years later, when money permits, the thought was no longer important. Nice to dream but never a goal.
4 hours later, I was reading the Star newspaper ( yes, this retiree have no time for the papers till 11 pm!), I came across a Fathers' day article . 3 fathers of cerebral palsy children were featured.One even had 2 children with CP.In that moment, my heart went all out for the parents. They have my full respect. I could imagine the pain of finding out and the physical and mental strength they must have to take care of the children. They are definitely fabulous parents.
And then I realise that I too is rich, so very rich. I have 3 wonderful normal children living in a family full with love and care for each other. I too am a multimillionaire.

Mid Year resolution

For the last one and a half month, I had only been able to pop in awhile but never too long.From today onwards, I am going to make a stronger effort.

Person and heart free or not?

Seem that things are never ending. My health is not improving as fast as I hope it to be, movements in the family, major decisions made last week, Au starting Semester 2, Ed going for his Pead's exam.
This is the case of what mum used to say "Person free, heart not free" translated from Chinese. This means that physically not having much to do but so much is happening and it gave cause to emotional unrest. Praying and letting Him take over helped a lot but the human factor keep resurfacing .Gotta learn how to push that down!
More details in the next blog and keeping fingers crossed that it will be within the next few days.

Praying for a peaceful week.

So many things have been happening the last 2 weeks. Family members, in-law, nieces, my health both physical and mental stress. Well things are calmer this week though it is just the start. Like the countries economy ,I hope it has bottom out or at least if not out, let it go through a correction factor so that I can breath. (wow my stock broker sifu aka my only brother in law should be proud of my usage of 'economical' terms!

Away from Cyberspace

Been nearly 10 days away from the cyberspace.

So I finally got a second opinion and last week went for a diagnostic test. Had to be hospitalised and undergo general anaesthetic.After that, had been waiting patiently 8 days for the laboratory results. In the meantime, big sister did a good job of feeding me with confinement food. Au was a wonderful substitute mummy and ran the house with only my oral guidance.

On the bed having minimum movement make one do a lot of reflections.



On doctors.

It is so sad that he is a typical male, old man, mercenary and egoistic.But he has good points too so I just had to grin and go along with his mannerism.What is it with these old doctors ? Someone need to insist on them going for an hour talk on people relationship. Well, at least this one didn't sound like it is terminal for me. As a matter of fact, didn't even want to mention the word cancer.And he reassure that for every problem there is a solution. So I guess one can't have everything!That brings to mind the sad state of patients who can only afford Government aided hospital. From no-choice-cancer-patient to no-worry-we-have-a solution-to-everything. What a difference. and What a price difference too: free to RM3500 (to date)that's reality for you.



On hospital

Please please please don't encourage hospital PR officers to call 'just to have a courtesy call'. I had one and 2 reminders for my appointment. And imagine the stress I felt each time I answer a call that say, 'hello ,I am from hospital -----' You can hear my heartbeat !Don't they know that they represent bad news! It is like getting a phone calls from the mortuary!On the other hand, they are trying to make a difference but not a very good one only.



On siblings

My late mother should be proud to know that in giving us 5 siblings each, she has actually inculcated in us care for each other when the time arises.Every time without fail, in times of need, we are always there for each other (on the other hand during happier times, we might not even see each other for maybe years!)For the next generation, siblings are less,hopefully cousins get closer.I for one, couldn't see my nieces and nephews as nothing but next to my own.Thank you to my dear dear brothers and sister for the care and concern you shown for the past 2 weeks.



My children and hubby

These 10 days help me to realise a lot about them.About accepting them, and the character they represent.Loving them without reservations. Realising that they are independent for their age and should I have to leave, they will survive.



Now that cancer is not in the list, it is time to take those expensive medication for improved health. With God's grace, I should be much better in 6 months time to do more things

Thank you Lord for loving me and showering me with all the blessings.

Thoughts

The past one week has been a week of happenings.helping a friend by coaching her daughter for a few hours (doing something I still love), going to a private institute to give my comments on a discipline module set up (this brought back a lot memories of my last 5 years in the service, doing something I was passionate about yet no regrets taking early retirement), hearing my doctor giving some very disturbing news concerning my health, being there for LL's wedding, and meeting up with the family members including cousins(bringing back a lot of memories while analysing family setups).

In the family front, went through the EOS exam for Au and mid term papers for Ed. Although I need not worry about their attitudes and sense of responsibilities, I couldn't stop being a mum so I too 'sat through' both the exams.Next, certain comments and actions o'f his' and then 'hers' got me rather disturbed making me upset.

Lastly yesterday the children celebrated a belated mother's day with we with a breakfast in bed, spending a fun day out as a family ending with a lovely dinner with my sister and brother and their spouses.

Right now, sitting on my bed listening to the murmurs of the night, all kind of thoughts goes through the little brain of mind. Thoughts of the different types of love we have, counting my blessings,wondering what the future holds both near and far.It is times like this that I need took a leaf out of Ed's method of saying a prayer closing one's eyes and then just walking straight.
Good night. God Bless.

Our Daily Bread .......... today's msg

"Not ours to know the reason why
Unanswered is our prayer,
But ours to wait for God’s own time
To lift the cross we bear. —Anon.


God’s timing is always perfect."


I pray

What would you do?

What goes through your head when you are told that you need an operation and that the big 'C' is a possibility?

Well the first half an hour your mind will not be thinking much because you need the time to absorb the news. How true is it and does it have any link to other ailments that you have been having.Then you start thinking why it came to that stage especially when you have never thought of it as a solution. Then you wonder why doctors never break this kind of news gently instead of just saying, well that is the only way out , don't think too long and I am sorry but that's that ....all in the same sentence and same number of words.

Next you begin to think what if the worst scenario comes true. That is normally after 2 hours.Then you wonder if you are ready to face it, You start asking yourself what you need to do , what are the thinks you have not completed, what you should say and to who. With today's technology you can always prepare all the speeches you want to make for the next 30 years and save it up in the computer. Wonderful isn't it?

Then you wonder who to talk to about it. You then realise that a lot of people came under the category of.... don't want them to know, would not react even if you tell them, will panic you further, will not have the time to pacify you and that makes you even more mad and lastly don't need them to know. In the end you most probably be telling the passer you meet or the odd guy you bump into on the way home.

Next you try to count your blessings that it may have been worst if it had happened 15 years ago. But still no body is ever ready to just go. Face it, short of ending severe pain, who would want to go.

A few hours later then you decide that It is your life, it is your operation so you better start thinking positively about it. Getting a second opinion, do you want to go through with it, what are the risks involved, where would you want to do it, what other professionally opinion are you seeking.

Then you start thinking may be there is a God and that tonight He is going to perform a miracle and all will be fine tomorrow morning. And then you know it is time to stop thinking .

Thinking, Reflecting and Wondering

Periodically I get a shock. Of late I thought that was over. In the dizzy state of the antibiotic influence unable to sleep deep in the night, it suddenly dawn into me that it isn't gone it has just metamorphosised itself. (just like the swine flu virus maybe).
Those were the days when it was more 'physical'. Nowadays it is more of people and places.

When or will it ever end?Will it end before I go? Should I take precautions if the answer is no?

ps The blog name did say my thoughts and I do get all kinds of thoughts.I am no member of an assylum so I can't be happy only happy thoughts.

personalised upsidedown apple orange cake

Last weekend was trying to come up with a cake that doesn't look 'dark' since the kids are havingt exam and can't afford to be sick. Trying to think of somethining different, short of time (need to get cake baked within 2 hours) plus the brain was abit groggy since my throat and teeth wasn't feeling too well.

Decided to use sliced apple as a base sprinkled with brown sugar to give it a brown look when turn upside down. Then the stingy part of me decided to use plain cake paper since greased proof paper are more expensive, to line the bottom to ease turning over. Next the cake. Didn't want to use plain pound cake since it is so 'plain'. Saw the recipe for orange cake so proceeded to use that recipe. Three quartered way thro creaming with eggs added, decided the cake is too small to cover cake tin so decided to multiply everything by 5/3. (ok,ok I know I am a maths person but actually the reason was because I wanted to use 250 g of butter instead of the original 150 g) In the process everything was slowed down by another 20 minutes and I added extra sugar. (fingers crossed from then on). Cut the story short, got the cake done in the last 5 minutes and when it was turned over, Au and daddy had trouble peeling off the paper. ; p

Comments. Good very nice not that sweet from the fussy no sweet happy garden residents ; p phew, good from the kids. Ad the no-cake-eater too a slice for breakfast on Sunday and the cake was gonethis morning.

Conclusion oklah, can bake it again with a few changes. Use 3 apples, season with salt/lemon juice. Add cinammon to apples, no saving cake paper and measure right amount of sugar. And not forgetting start abit earlier. Last but not least cut a piece for myself before it is gone!

Communicating with Him

Been talking to Him about two things.
First one to settle my mouth problem. It was awesome. He took the pain off and I believe it is solved.
Two is that we let us hear Him correct. I am positive He hears and He replies but we need to hear it and not let scams and hacked messages got through. Even if it got through, make our eyes, ears and mind recognise it. Thanks. I believe.

Marbled Brownies

Tried this last Friday after investing in a tray
160 g butter
170 g sugar
1 1/2 tsp milk
3 eggs
1 1/2 vanilla
96 g flour
65 g cocoa
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt

Melt butter, add sugar vanilla salt, cream, add milk, eggs
and the rest. pour into pan

cheesy part
beat
250 g cream cheese with
50 g sugar
1 1/2 tsp lemon juice
1 egg
Dollop on brownie stir to get pattern bake in 180 Celsius for 50 minutes.

Note
1. Sugar used is reduced bu 20 and 15 g to cater for not-so-sweet tooth. Turn out ok
2. Forgot to put 1/2 cup chocolate chips on cheesy part
3. Lemon juice was own idea to replace vanilla so not to be too 'chai'

comments. good very good. want another round and this time want to copy Secret recipe's idea of eating with ice cream!

As One Age

'As God adds years to your life, ask Him to add life to your years.' Again something stolen from Our Daily Bread but it tickle my thoughts

Whether old age is boring or interesting depends on us and no one else. As we retire, and reach our golden years, we should still take responsibility for our life. This is the time to go into things that have always interest us but had no time for. Some people like to acquire new skills while others new knowledge.It is also wonderful to be able to do things without thinking if is beneficial financially or otherwise, This is the time do do because we want to do and not because we have to do or we need to do or we should do. This is the beauty I am experiencing now. I am blessed that I am comfortable financially with a roof over my head and acceptable good health.

I have taken up so many things and still have more to come. As my hubby reaches 55 (I won't say retire since I am not sure if he will) we should find things to share and do together at the same time not giving up our individual interest. I don't enjoy gardening just as he doesn't fancy books too much but we enjoy cooking.

Chocolate Cake

This recipe is from Amy Beh and I did a bit of variation
Original list of ingredients
250 g butter
250 caster sugar which I change to 230 g of icing sugar
4 eggs, separated
150 g self raising flour
70 g cocoa powder
1/4 cup evaporated milk my change...... just use milk powder with 1/4 water. thickness depends on how creamy you want your cake to be

method is different from any other cake making
Feedback.... very moist and chocolaty. Her original is good , changes only reduces the sweetness for those who don't have a sweet tooth and when one is lazy to open a tin of milk. Bake this whenever the children want a chocolate cake and I am loyal to this recipe.

Chicken Stew, My style

As time goes by, I tend to cook certain dishes my way, without exact measurement and adding ingredients as I feel like it.Just like the chicken stew
For a family of 5
1 kampong chicken cut into7 or 8 pieces, season with salt and pepper, dusted with flour
3 large carrots into chunks
5 potatoes into chunks too
1 tin button mushroom sliced thickly
3 large bombay onions, skinned and quartered
half a bulb of garlic
1 tin Campbell chicken soup
1 tin of water
butter
flour to coat chicken before frying in butter
4 tomatoes skinned and quartered
I like to put the potatoes and carrots first then the rest of the vegetables.
Chicken is on top before pouring in soup and water.
Slow cook once it is boiling.
When I think the chicken is cooked, I take it out and let the rest still slow cook so that the stew is thick and creamy but still chunky. (Chicken not overcooked)
Off the fire when satisfied with consistency. Put in the chicken again.
15 minutes before dinner, heat it up.

I have to confess that I am not sure this is chicken stew but the family loves it . I personally like it because it is soooo simple to cook and has all the nutrients . Good for packing to S'ban too.

Again

I think I am in trouble. I just love the quotations found in Our Daily bread everyday. They show me exactly what I think the Christian ministry should be. Why I am in trouble? Cuz I can't be quoting them everyday but I just can't help it. Any help from IT people?

Today's lovely quote

Lord, may I be a shining light
For all the world to see
Your goodness and Your love displayed
As You reach out through me. —Sper

Witnessing is not just something a Christian says, but what he is.

A Good Day

Has been a busy week so far. Spend a lovely day out with hubby yesterday. He was supposed to be recuperating from his cough and tummy upset but as usual we couldn't resist spending some time out.
Now I am eagerly counting the months to his 55th birthday. Just wondering if he will ever retire.

Lovely Quote

Help me to guard my troubled soul
By constant, active self-control.
Clean up my thought, my speech, my play;
Lord, keep me pure from day to day. —Thomas

A lovely quotation borrowed from The Daily Bread. It represents my constant thought and I pray that more people will subscribe to it too.

Food Tasting

Got invited to do 'food tasting' at Palace of the Golden Horses . Well it was an invitation from my niece, E who will be having her wedding reception there in a month's time.



First of all, being close to her as she was growing up plus the fact that her age is somewhat similar to my children, so the cousins are pretty close too. All in all, everyone in the family is pretty excited about her wedding. Her beau too is a easy going guy that fits very well into the gang.We have been on holidays together, makan session together and cooking together.

Now that her great day is here all especially the auntie here has been extra 'keh poh chee' about her wedding, wanting to know all details,from her choice of baju to the dates of honeymoon. Therefore the food tasting allows us to further probe into her bridal suite and her garden party even commenting on the placement chairs for the tea ceremony.

Funny thing is, it is exciting and nice to watch the preparation for the wedding from the sideline. As we came back from the hotel, I jokingly gave Ad full permission to elope when his turn come! I better run before the father ask me for an explanations. Cheerio!

Peanut Butter Cupcakes

Why did I go to the shop in the first place? Well it was to buy some ingredients to try a new recipe. The larder has 2 bottle of peanut butter and I 'had' this fancy idea of trying the all marvellous recipe I found on the Internet. Here goes

70 g butter

1 tsp baking powder

85 g peanut butter

230 g brown sugar (I reduced it from 275 as I didn't like my cakes too sweet)

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

220 g flour

salt

1 cup fresh milk



Cream butter peanut butter with sugar with vanilla essence.

Add the eggs and milk

Sift in baking powder, flour and salt

Into the paper cups and viola , after 30 mins at 180 Celsius, out pop 22 cupcakes.



Shared with some people I love. verdict from the kids. Ad I normally don't fancy cakes but I like it Au it was good. but next time use better grade peanut butter. I find it moist, soft, still a little sweet but overall acceptable. Maybe next time I will add the frosting of

85 g peanut butter, 240 g sugar, 45 ml milk.

Cream well and spread it on the cupcakes

Visit from a Dog

The old men were not the only visitors I had over the weekend.
I went out to the shop with Au and as I was driving into the house on my return, a dog appeared to have followed us into the house. It was drizzling and being the girl she is, Au asked to let the dog in so that it wouldn't get wet. I saw no harm and did just that. I even left the door half open so that it could go out anytime it wanted too.

Doggy came in, look around the porch and sat down near the door. At one point he went under the car so we presumed it wanted the warmth of the engine.

Few minutes later, he decided to survey the house and went to the side garden to the back of the house. He next made himself comfortable at the open kitchen. By that time the rain has stopped and I decided the visit should end. Not being much of an animal lover myself, I just sent Au to shoo the dog off. She tried, he refused to move, grandma tried, he took a walk and came back to the same spot. Ad tried and had no success.
I was rushing off to a dinner with Ad so I decided to leave it as it is. Maybe when daddy comes back at 9, he could do something.

Guess what, the dog spent a night at the kitchen and still refused to move this morning when daddy tried his charm! Half an hour later I decided to take a look. I didn't fancy all the fur he was shedding at my floor and I have no intention to do my washing next to the dog.So I decided to talk to the animal. I literally told him that he need to go home. I told him I like him but this is not his home and it is time he goes. Guess what? he stood up, looked at me and slowly walked out of the house! Daddy wouldn't understand how I 'spoke ' to the dog! Well. it doesn't matter. I am no animal lover but neither do I hate them. I just have no strong fancy for them. I am a stickler for cleanliness and I don't fancy bathing, cleaning after them everyday. Maybe one of these days when some inner emotion is sparked off, I will then have a dog but until then smiling at them from a distance is good enough.

Nasty delivery Men from Mid valley company.

Had a tiring eventful weekend and it hasn't ended yet.
It started with the delivery of the 37 inch TV daddy bought. Daddy was at a meeting so yours truly with Ad had to receive it. As if I had a premonition, I refused to receive it on a weekday because I will be the only one in. True enough it was delivered by 2 very very nasty old men. They came in complaining about customers only wanted delivery on weekend and that they have so much so much to do. Left them alone and one of them tried proceeded to install the TV . He obviously had very little knowledge and Ad end up having to go on his knees to take over. Not enough they couldn't get all Astro, CD player and PS3 connected to the TV. That is when the old men really got nasty. Insisted that it isn't their problem and wanted the check and leave things as it is. I wouldn't agree to it as I wasn't sure if it was the fault of the TV or not. When I refused to let then walk out like that, he called the supervisor and when I explained things to the supervisor and she agreed to wait a while, they were still not satisfied. They scolded and scolded. I didn't retaliate because I felt it wasn't good to argue with 2 old delivery men but the whole incident upsets me quite a bit.
To top the story, after they left, Ad spend 15 minutes and got everything settled. It just confirms the fact that this company from Mid Valley has delivery men who knows next to nothing about installation but has the cheek to scold customers. I hope I never have to meet with people like that ever again. And that will definitely be the last time I buy anything thro this company.

Read this, Like this

When all you have is God, then you have everything.

Blog Metamorphosis

Yesterday, Ad started a counter for my blog. Not that I expected anybody else but me and myself to read it but it was a nice gesture by him. I was supposed to have learn how to go further into it but...........

When I started blogging, I was retiring and wanted to pen my thoughts, feelings and opinions down as I go along. A softer reason was so that my mind will not lie idle and go into Alzheimer mode.

Lately, as I manage to pick up my reading thanks to MPPJ library, I like to leave my comments on articles, friction and non frictional books I picked up.

The other hobby I am putting on gear is baking and cooking. As I like to vary some of the recipes to suit the family's taste, I hope to record them for further reference. For a start, we (the kids and hubby helped) tried out CARROT CUPCAKES from The Idiot Guide. Here is the revised version.

sift
250 g flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp nutmeg
mix
220 g sugar
slightly less than 1 1/2 cups corn oil
4 eggs
2 cups grated carrot
8 0z (slightly less than 1 can of Ayam brand) crushed pineapple with juice
70 g chopped nuts (walnut or almond)
vanilla

Add in sifted ingredients. Fill paper cupcakes casing 1/2 full bake for 20 mins. at 180 C Approx 36 cupcakes

optional cream cheese Icing by creaming
2 oz butter
8 oz cream cheese
vanilla
salt
icing sugar till smooth

frost readied cupcakes

Children, hubby and sister comment good, cook again

Faith and Fate

Actually this post was suppose to be up before Our daily Bread. But it doesn't matter. My thoughts are random and passing through.

I am reading Amy Tan where she touch on the above. Her father was a minister of a church and believe in Faith. Her mother was a typical Shanghai (I think) china based lady who believe in Fate.

At which point do the two meet and at which point do they part ways?

Our Daily Bread

All of us Christians would have heard of the title . It is a printed daily message for those of us who find it in our heart to read.

During my younger days, I had received the booklets before. With the introduction of the Internet, it is easier as one only need to lock in their rbc site.

Truthfully I only read off and on. But lately I feel more at peace as I read their daily message. It tends to give me the image I had of God and the christian faith. Regretfully with due respect to all concern, I couldn't find that peace with sermons, and messages from pastors and church leaders I have met so far. I find it hard to agree with their version of God and the faith.

Like to assume that it is my lacking and not theirs.

Praise the Lord. Let me hear what what you are saying and may you be in my thoughts, my words , my sight and my ears.

Gracefully by Valerie Ramsey and Meditations

Borrowed the book from the library last week. Was hoping for some tips on how to grow old gracefully from a 68 year old ex model.
Glad to say not much to be learned. So I am on the right track with my exercise, positive thinking and keeping occupied with activities of interest.
Good for me.

Second book was on Meditations. Unfortunately the book spoke more on the need to meditate rather than how to meditate. Obviously, one needs a quiet place for the exercise which at present is not very possible for me. Guess that has to be postponed to a later date.

Ups and Downs

In life there got to be ups and downs. and they say that one need to have downs to appreciate the ups.

Well today I feel.Maybe its PMS or is it Menopausal symptoms or is it just one of those days. Nothing really bad or disastrous but it just made me feel down

When I went for my denture fittings the second time this morning, the good doctor just couldn't get it fitted in well. When he finally could get it in after one full hour, he wasn't satisfied. He didn't want me to take it and pronounced that I need to get another dentist. Like I say, nothing disastrous but it sound something like, I have no cure for you. Now I guess I have a better picture of how patients feel when doctors gave them bad news.

Well if all goes well, this day should help me to appreciate another day that is good.

Recent Plans

Things I have started and things I hope to start.
started
1. Walking 3.5 km on the treadmill everyday except on days of heavy flow and pain. I am enjoying it and I hope to increase the distance as the days go by. One hour a day dedicated to my health.

2. Today I learn to open the Bursa website with the help of my brother-in-law / share market advisor for the last 10 years. This should materialised my wish to learn economics and open my world to money. Don't get me wrong. I am not venturing into share market big time but rather to widen my scope of education. Of course if it comes with a little risk taking and a little income, who is complaining. But all that will come after my 'first semester'

to start
1. a note book on recipes to try and recipes accepted edited and accepted as dishes for the family.

to do
1. get my hair cut so that I don't look so drape.

2. solve my long term fibroid problem with the help of UH.

Retirement and Blessings.

Ha ha ha 3rd blog as my brain is still rattling with thoughts.

Do you know that the most popular question asked for the last 1 year is. 'So how is retired life? What are you doing to occupied yourself?Boring ah?'

To all that cares, I need to tell you all that it is GOOD, GOOD GOOD except for the pocket.I am fully enjoying it, Having a time of my life doing what I love best at my own rate. I enjoyed planning and cooking for the family. I look forward to every Tuesday when I get to sit in the library and read read read.I love the books and I am reading from trash and award winning stories, to philosophy to travels and mythology, health, cooking, crafts and endless other interests that I am picking up. I bought my sewing machine and I am planning to do the handicrafts once I decide to spend on the lessons and the materials. ( Do you know that one little ball of wool cost RM48 and quilt lessons ask for hundreds of dollars not including the materials?)

I enjoy planning the food to prepare for E every weekend and 'plotting' the kind of dishes Au need to learn before boarding the plane to Glasgow next year.

Reading the newspaper is updating myself with the upfront news. Reading the advertisements opens my eyes to the shopping bargains. For gossips and the other type of news, the internet is endless.I now know how people can spend hours on the net. It just goes on and on and the endless info one can obtain from it.

I find myself happier and I smile more to the people I meet especially grouchy salesgirls and moody clerks. And do you know that it brings wonderfull results because they start to smile back.Isn't it wonderful?

I sleep well at night with no nightmares and fearful thoughts of disaster at the school front.I do not hear spiteful vengeful remarks that upsets me even when it does not involve me. Personally, I prefer people to think positively because I think we pass this way but once. Why don't we make the best of it instead of picking the worst?

I am yet to spent more time with friend s and ex students that have been calling and waiting to go out for tea and a chat. I am so blessed. I need to spend more time too with my siblings.

Well all things come with a 'but' at the end. Retiring makes me a bit more cautious with my spending. I begin to ponder a bit longer before I spend. I begin to want to plan my finances. To me it is not bad. For the first time we are conscious of what is happening in the financial world and how it is affecting us. I do not depend solely on financial advisers but start to think for ourselves.( I find the facts and make Daddy think. heh heh heh) Economics is another interest I hope to pick up.

As I mentioned before, I pay more attention to my health and take positive steps to improve it. Basically that means more time to take care of myself and the family.

In other words the lost of income do affects me but the benefits of retiring far covers it. Except for the slight pinch of guilt of making daddy the only bread earner, I am happy. Not forgetting the pension that is life long. I thank God for His Blessings.