It is like the end of an era, a long overdue end.Hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel will not flicker off but grow brighter.
For 20 over years, I had been submitting and 'yun'. I step aside, I step back. I allowed my personal life to be taken over by her. All for the peace in the house and for his peace of mind. I have reach the end of the road. It has been coming and no one wanted to face it. Everyone thought it will be a phase that will go off. I too wanted it to be but I found out that when I take a step backwards, she takes a step forward and that I decide is not the way it should be. I finally stood up and say that's it.
I want to take over my role as the mother of my children, mistress of my home and family. I will start to decide where to place my things in my house, get my privacy of my own room, walk to every part of my house at any time of the day,openly goes for holiday, spend my own hard earned money the way I want to for a better quality of life. I want to be able to throw away things I don't want, buy things I want, use things the way I want.I want to be able to sit down in my own hall and read the newspaper and watch the TV.I want to tell the helper what and how to clean my house. I want to invite who I want to my house at any time. In short I want to be me leading my own life in my own home.
I hope to do it with the loyalty of my loved ones but if they decide otherwise. I will accept it because I believe at some part of my life I want to put myself first. I need to be selfish sometimes because I am the only one I know will stay with me for the rest of my life. As I was forced to drove away from my own home in my loneliness, tears and pain that morning,I decided it is only me for myself. I am the only one that will never leave me at all times.It is OK. We all need to wake up at some part of our life. It is going to be a big change and it is going to be tough for me but I think it is long dued and I will walk through it. After this, I am awake to reality.
In the darkest of my hours, years leading to my mother's death and after, months before I resign from my job, and these few weeks, I feel so alone. No, nobody please don't take offence. It is not because you all were not there. It is just that you didn't know exactly my feelings and it is not your fault. It is partly because I don't share completely and I don't ask or insist you are not at fault again.I spend a lot of hours alone, sometimes yearning for that hug, that comforting right words and the mere presence. Maybe it is the passage of life I need to go through. In the darkness of the night, it can be cold and quiet. But I grow stronger.This time, I feel the presence of my mother. Mama rest in peace. I know you love me but you have done all you can bringing me up. I know the pain you feel now but it's ok. Your daughter will survive. I know you are beside me. Go in peace.
To the sister, her hubby, her maid, my brother thanks for being there every second. I know how much you have done.You are truly loyal and I feel so comforted. Right now the road is mine to walk. I know you are always be there when I stretch out my hands just the way you will stay in the shadow when I am well.
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