Year end but it is not the end or is it the end

I am  surprised that I wrote this year. It seems like ages .

This year has been one of the most challenging year in my life. Met the first death of a sibling. Was an eye opening even though it was expected. Hit hard at the face that death is near we are all ageing.

Next health wise, I haven't been well ever since I can remember. Not sick enough to cause a panic but bad enough to cause unrest, distress and overall depressing mood all year round. As the year end, things are not getting better. The problems are accumulating.

From the bleeding in my gums, to the fear of losing my teeth, fear of mouth cancer, neck and shoulder pains, heel pains, fear of tumour all has been racing through my mind non stop and sad to say it hasn't stopped. It hasn't ended neither do I see the end of the tunnel.

Where to I turn to? I had my faith and that too has became a challenge as I suffer in silent. Only lately do I dare to share with my husband. I questioned my God, I pleaded, I prayed, I scream silently, I mourned; what else have I not done. I searched through my bible for an answer. Silence. I know He is there but the silence is deafening. Is it my fault ? What is wrong? Why? How? It hasn't stopped. When will it end? Have I reached my lowest or is there much more to go on? Will I ever get out of this? Will it end with my death? What is happening at my mind? My thoughts?

Am I going mad? Am I going through depression?

What a year it has been.
Should I freeze my thoughts and my mind? Problems do not see the gregorian calendar. They do not know that it is December. They only take a rest if they kind enough? They have not gone away.

In Poole

Fast forward, this is the second oversea trip this year after Bali  during cny. This time is to UK to bring the whole family together as we visit the youngest child.
 27 hours flight and bus ride. Reaching in the middle of the night at 3 am. Caught in the cold weather. Not forgetting the stress before the trip over my Heath and leaving the house .

Seeing her after so many months. Having the children altogether warms up over the cold weather. Satisfied that she is independent and settled. Not that there is no problem but that she can handle everything. After all what more does a mother want.

This trip brought forth many different thoughts on many different things. I realise the many things He wanted me to note and see. The many things He want me to be awaken to. Nothing happy, nothing sad but just knowing, learning, accepting, acknowledging and moving on. Important and essential.

A new year

With the passing of my brother a week ago, the negativity should have reach its lowest. Starting November, I had been physically sick with all kinds of ailments from my gums to my throat and a long list of little nagging. When I saw my brother in hospital, he had deteriorated so much and I was in shock. During cny, I had a short break with another brother and my sister's families. It didn't perk me up that much but nevertheless a good break. I just need a change.

Two days after our return, I went into the dumps again as I see my brother pass away. With that, my mind went into another whirlwind of thoughts and pondering.

Was his death a shock? I cannot say that because we were prepared way back a year ago. Do I miss him, no, I am not that close to my siblings. Why then am I so sad and disturbed?

It just go to show that blood is thicker than water. Irregardless how close we were, he was still my blood brother.

Seeing other siblings talking to the agent on their own packages and seeing their 'bought' eternal location make me realise the angel of death is as near as my own siblings. Whether I amò prepared or not.

A family discussion to move our parents bones that sounds more like a quarrel didn't help. I suddenly remember what it was like and how it affected me. That much hasn't change. Why am I still so emotional then?

I looked around at my nieces and nephews. All are grown up. They have their weakness but seriously , I see them an improvement of their parents. We talked about getting the next generation to bond. So true as we can see the number of actual siblings are dwindling so the next best is cousins. But how do we do it? I pray about it and may God use this empty vessel to do His will.

I look at all of them, and I look at my siblings. I hope to share with them values and  thoughts that they may need to handle life situations. I seriously is worried  as I see things that are already here. I want to tell them what  I think about marriage, family life, honouring parents, not stressing up children. Not to brush aside their parents but to tell them to step back and see a bigger picture. Then make their own mind. Life is not about me, I and myself and you can't say I don't care.. We are put here as part of a family so accept it and work on it. You can't run away. The choice does not exist. Talk to them about empathy, sympathy, sincere care and concern. Put aside comparison , jealousy, selfishness. All to make ourselves better and have a more fruitful life.

Oh so much to say and I still not sure how to do it. But today I decided to put behind the negative and move forward positive. All is possible only if He is willing. In His will, guide me.