Maybe it is God's way to help me handle it. It is less than half a month to my sweetiepie's leaving for Glasgow and He knows how emotional I get every time I say goodbye to any of my children far or near, long or short. The renovations and all the activities that comes along with it gives me little time to ponder over her leaving. It also leaves me minimal time to wonder how my son is fairing in his new posting.
It is time like this, way pass midnight when eyes and body are tired but the mind refuse to sleep that I start counting days and thinking, feeling and reflecting.
The mind shoot from flights to dinners to renovation problems to moving complications.
After sometime and after a few days, I just feel tired, physically and emotionally.It is time like this that again I want to say 'stop, wait' but knowing very well that it is not to be so.Then I again pray fervently and then I think of things past and present, home, family, people I love, my future, my health, my faith and then I tell myself to stop, seriously stop. And so I stop.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Tunnels
In the journey of life, one goes through lots of tunnels of darkness.I went through many and many a time wonder why I seem to have so many.Is it really that I have more than others or is it that I am more light sensitive than others?
It is said that in the tunnel of darkness He will be there to carry me through. I believe He does but while I am there it is scary as one really could not see the end of it. One only trust that He is there and trust that there is an end to the tunnel.Because in pitch darkness there is no way one can move except on faith and if one do not move, one will never be out of the tunnel because the tunnel will never move on it's own.
So as I move from one tunnel to another,I move in faith.I thank God when I am in the light as I wonder when is it the next tunnel will come by. Without fail it will come. And as I enter it, again I see no light and no end.Again I know that only He can bring on the light when He sees deem right.Again I walk in faith praying that I will not give up.
Sometimes one walks alone and sometimes one walk with loved ones. When that happen, one also need to strong for the other one. At times like that, one needs to be even stronger in faith.
I see no light now but I need to believe that there is an end and again close my eyes, hold each others hands and walk and walk and walk,
It is said that in the tunnel of darkness He will be there to carry me through. I believe He does but while I am there it is scary as one really could not see the end of it. One only trust that He is there and trust that there is an end to the tunnel.Because in pitch darkness there is no way one can move except on faith and if one do not move, one will never be out of the tunnel because the tunnel will never move on it's own.
So as I move from one tunnel to another,I move in faith.I thank God when I am in the light as I wonder when is it the next tunnel will come by. Without fail it will come. And as I enter it, again I see no light and no end.Again I know that only He can bring on the light when He sees deem right.Again I walk in faith praying that I will not give up.
Sometimes one walks alone and sometimes one walk with loved ones. When that happen, one also need to strong for the other one. At times like that, one needs to be even stronger in faith.
I see no light now but I need to believe that there is an end and again close my eyes, hold each others hands and walk and walk and walk,
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Pain
I am but a mother.grabbing on to time knowing very well it will slip and go as it should be. Three children and many times over, if I was expecting it to be easier, less intense, not as painful; I am very much mistaken.As a matter of fact, the pain started earlier, just as bad and just as painful as the very first time 8 years ago.
When the pain was most intense during the birth of my last child, I remember telling my doctor I can't take it , I wasn't ready. HE told me then that the baby won't wait and it has to come to pass. Look like it is the same for every searing pain onwards whatever the cause may be. And reality tells that it is not the last.
So how do I handle it this time and times to come? Do all mothers go through this?
When the pain was most intense during the birth of my last child, I remember telling my doctor I can't take it , I wasn't ready. HE told me then that the baby won't wait and it has to come to pass. Look like it is the same for every searing pain onwards whatever the cause may be. And reality tells that it is not the last.
So how do I handle it this time and times to come? Do all mothers go through this?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Her
How do I express my feelings?Love? Yes and no. yes as I care. No as I don't feel the pain
Memories! Unfortunately more unpleasant than pleasant.
Grateful? yes for the duties she perform. Unfortunately it is just duties and not out of love.
Others who are related:
At times I could understand how they feel. Other times, sad for her that she evokes only those feelings.I guess it is more sadness for her than anger.
Also their thoughts and actions are far different from mine. No right, no wrong but odd.
Just how sincere and fair? But not for me to ponder.
He, I saw a side of him I should know but never dwell in. But then again, there is no mathematical equation to solve it.
How different will my life be compared to hers?Will it be better or does it matter ultimately as it is His to see deem fit?
p/s Not being able to sleep at 4 am in the morning make me think too much!
Memories! Unfortunately more unpleasant than pleasant.
Grateful? yes for the duties she perform. Unfortunately it is just duties and not out of love.
Others who are related:
At times I could understand how they feel. Other times, sad for her that she evokes only those feelings.I guess it is more sadness for her than anger.
Also their thoughts and actions are far different from mine. No right, no wrong but odd.
Just how sincere and fair? But not for me to ponder.
He, I saw a side of him I should know but never dwell in. But then again, there is no mathematical equation to solve it.
How different will my life be compared to hers?Will it be better or does it matter ultimately as it is His to see deem fit?
p/s Not being able to sleep at 4 am in the morning make me think too much!
4 am Thoughts
Phew!
That has been a long long time since I last blog.As anticipated, has been a very very busy year to date.(remember talking about it right after CNY)
Renovation is top on the list. It is nearly completed but still a long way more to go before it can be called a home it is meant to be.The process brought about physical exhaustion, mental anguish, personal satisfaction, thankfulness to Him for providing the people and the means and everything else. Now is the time to look forward to moving back, settling in,filling in the gaps and then moving on to other things that has been put aside and postponed the last 8 months.
Next, sweetie pie has been back 2 months and is already preparing to leave again.Where did the days go?Enjoyed every moment I can with her and wished it was more.This time round the months will be more before I get to hug her again.With the eldest boy, I looked forward to our Europe trip where I could see him in December that year.This time round, no plans made.
The first is a plus, the second a negative. Do they cancel out? NO. unfortunately life and emotions are just not mathematics.A positive is a positive. and a negative will remain a negative and they will never met.
That has been a long long time since I last blog.As anticipated, has been a very very busy year to date.(remember talking about it right after CNY)
Renovation is top on the list. It is nearly completed but still a long way more to go before it can be called a home it is meant to be.The process brought about physical exhaustion, mental anguish, personal satisfaction, thankfulness to Him for providing the people and the means and everything else. Now is the time to look forward to moving back, settling in,filling in the gaps and then moving on to other things that has been put aside and postponed the last 8 months.
Next, sweetie pie has been back 2 months and is already preparing to leave again.Where did the days go?Enjoyed every moment I can with her and wished it was more.This time round the months will be more before I get to hug her again.With the eldest boy, I looked forward to our Europe trip where I could see him in December that year.This time round, no plans made.
The first is a plus, the second a negative. Do they cancel out? NO. unfortunately life and emotions are just not mathematics.A positive is a positive. and a negative will remain a negative and they will never met.
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