12.12.12

12.12.12

So much attention was given to those numbers as seen in my face book. I am not commemorating it though. It just happened that tonight is cool with the sounds of pitter patter rain outside. It got me all nostalgic couple to the fact that it is last month of the year.

The year has been eventful. I did a fair amount of travelling, grew spiritually, had my share of heartaches and happiness.

There were many first, and many changes to my life. My life revolves around my family and that means that changes will be seen. Maybe the changes will be permanent or maybe it is just a process but change is definite

Seven years ago, I was brought to realize that my children will be moving on to the next phase of life.Moving into their working life, it would mean the start of the empty nest.Seven years later, obviously it is clearer. So I can't say it came as a blow or an overnight bash.Nevertheless, I still need to make a conscious effort to accept it.Others will come into their life, and thus the family will change. Pray that His grace is upon us and may He fill the family with love. Hubby is happily teasing me that he will be the only one left in my life as the children flap their wings and fly!

2012 indeed a year to remember.While others talks of the end of the world, I am satisfied as I lived everyday the best way I know how.

2013 are days away. Exciting moments to come, with plans of travel, breathing everyday with my beloved. We pray for good health for the both of us, our children having breakthroughs in their life, salvation for our loved ones and righteousness to prevail amongst other things.We have a few things up our sleeves but then again, we will move as the days unfold.

Happy new year, welcome 2013 and may it brings blessings to all.

A Bad Dream Continuing

It is like the continuing of a bad dream. Three siblings hospitalized in three different hospitals all in a short span of three weeks. Today nearly make the fourth disaster. Lucky the allergy was discovered early.

I thought it shouldn't affect me that much.  Obviously I was wrong. They do matter to me. It don't matter what we went through and how much I tell myself. there is a part of me that is aligned to them.It is not that easy to say they are they and I am I. How can I not care when there are those closed to my heart who are not at peace. How can I not get involved when there are things I could do.

On the early hours of my birthday, an intruder came in and took the family's shoes. The monetary lost is not much but the fact that the shoes were stolen couldn't leave my mind. My eldest boy even gave me his hard earn one month's OT to compensate and to get a new pair of shoes. It actually make the lose even more painful knowing his dollars and sens are not easy earn.His sleepless nights and heavy toil in exchange for something a man just walk in and took as if it was due to him. I could only hope he was desperate to feed his children and clothe them during deepavali.

I prayed and prayed. I know He knows. He has been silent. Your will, not mine.
I just pray that Your test will end soon. I yearn for some peace.

My Dream

A house by the lakeside.
The water in the lake clear and clean.
.The cool wind blows and I don't need a fan. Of course toilet facilities and basic amenities are available.
The air is filled with the tweeting of the birds and the sound of water swishing nearby
Three meals a day of simple food. My bible to keep me company. Next to me is my husband with his bible.
Some potted plants for decoration and some fruit trees.
My Dream

Job

The waves has been coming one after another since 1st Oct. I can only think of Job.
Am I suppose to be thankful there isn't a tsunami and that they are coming one by one and not all at once?
I am tired Lord.
But I will keep my faith. That much I know I will.

facebook

Is facebooking bad?. Is Internet destructive for the family and social life?

An excess of anything is bad. My son reads so much that punishment includes taking away his books. Another son is so dedicated to his work that he has to be scolded by his friends and bosses.
Similarly too much time spend on the Internet will definitely disrupt and has a negative impact.

Otherwise...........
Through facebook

I got to meet up with friends from yesteryear as far back as 40 years
I manage to update my children not residing with me the happenings of home
It alerts me which of my friends needs an encouraging word or just a smile.
I get to know that they are well We sometimes just need to know that others are OK without the need of spending hours on the phone and drafting  a polite letter
I am exposed to others' interest like the types of cars, the beauty of flowers, charity works and inspiring quotations.
I am perked up when I sees a cheery hello to the world or someones jokes.
I get to share the joy of my friends as they travel or celebrate birth and anniversaries not forgetting the grief and sadness when they lose someone.
I can get connected to support groups for various happenings
I get updated with my friends as I let them get to know me too.

So facebook is not bad but if we got our priorities wrong at dinners and social function, frisking thro' it while others are around, then it is bad

For Him

I thought that I would not be affected.
I thought I could just be calm and indifferent.

But I can't.
I can't help thinking about it.
I can't helping recalling
I can't help being sad
just sad.

May the grace of God be with him and his family.
May the good Lord touch them even as they are not His children.
In Jesus mighty name, I pray

Me Strong?

Am I strong? Me? Strong? No I am not strong. I am not brave. But there are times I need to be strong for others. Sometimes I need to appear strong. But given the choice, no, I don't want to be strong. I prefer to be weak. I want to lean back and rest on others. I want to rest in Him.It is much more comforting.

Some many things over the last month. I lean on Him and I pray that others that I care for can learn to do so too. But Lord, they haven't come to know you but I still would like to pray that they will have Your grace like the way I did.

May the family go through this period together and built up their strength. May they learn to love each other and develop a stronger bond .

May they find peace as they stand for each other. In Jesus mighty name I pray.

mother and daughter

As  I see my daughter, I reflected back myself in that role.

There is a 42 years gap with my mum and a 30 years gap with my girl.

What kind of relationship I had with her? She was my mum, I lived with her my whole life until I got married and that is a solid 26 years. She shared a lot; I guess I was the only one around with my dad being the typical man who don't say much and my other siblings were not with us. Unfortunately I can't remember many positive but nevertheless I was the listening ear. She was everything to me because I was separated from my only sister since I was 7. I can't remember any conversations with my brothers.(at least none casual,  ones. If ever they were any, it was serious big brother to small sister talk)

Over the years, her happiness became my happiness, her pain became my pain, her hurt is my hurt. I would be upset with those who upset her. Maybe I  don't have the maturity nor the exposure or skill to talk to her. Maybe it was blind loyalty and love.

Pondering back, if the gap had been smaller, could I have been a better daughter.Saying the right things, using the right word, doing different things.

Coming back to the present, I definitely would not want to pain, hurt or sadden my three children.But in the next instance, I wonder if it would hasten their 'growing up' as it had done to me? So what should it be?

What are the similarities and differences in this dual mother-daughter relationship? 'Daughter' because I was one and I can't speak for sons. I am a mother to sons but never a son.Then again after 30 years what are the norms today? Of course I am a very different mother from my mother but then the basic love and care is still the same.In many ways, I still hold on to her beliefs and way of life.Question is those I hold on to, which if any should be changed?

As a mother today, I have to remind myself the history when my children are concerned. The questions and the flashbacks never end. The answers ................ well, I seriously don't know. I have better in sights as to why my mother was what she was.I now know how they came about. I also know why my children reacted the way they did.

A Friend

Three decades ago, you drop into our pathway as a friend, a colleague. It was no grand entrance and I never guess that you are still in our path today.

You struck me as a physically strong guy with a golden heart. You believed in helping and not expecting anything in return. You said your sifu thought you that. What a lesson.

We needed your healing ways and you just gave. Without a blink of an eye.
We parted ways but because of our geographical locations, we still cross path once a while

Then one day while I was in my deepest of sadness, I saw you. And you told me you had Parkinson. In the same breadth you reminded me to take care of my other half's health. Wow, then it kick me out of my rut to think that there is a world outside my misery and there are others in bad spots too.

Today 5 years later, we learn that you are many steps nearer to you last days. The amazing thing about you is that in your situation, you can still have thoughts on our health giving us fatherly advice insisting that we don't take our health casually. Just as unassuming as those days.

Until now in your frail condition, you don't fail to ask about others. You really struck me as a special man. You do not dwell in your misery and condition. No lamentations. NO exasperating thoughts over your financial situation even though it left much to be desired. Over and above, you still do not expect, you still can care for others.

May God bless you. May He pour His grace upon you though you do not know Him.

Thank you for showing me that we can be strong in the worst of time and we can still be a beacon of light when all is dark around ourselves. You are definitely a fine example to emulate

For you in my prayer

It is sad that you had to undergo the pain but believe me, ours is just as bad if not worse.

The difference is how we handle the pain. You prefer to ignore it, deny it exist and you clearly try to walk away from it.

As for me, yes the initial impact was bad. If you had felt the way you did, just imagine it around 10 fold. The shiver down the spine, the cold sweat. But I had to steady myself as fast as I can. I try to recover as fast as I can. I stood still and think fast what I need to do and how to react.

After I prayed, I know I had to steady the other half that is just as badly struck as me. I had to make sure I am steady and be the rock for him to lean on. I need to support him in places where he lacks. He may be stronger in many ways but these type of experience, I think I have more than him. The pain, the fear, the hopelessness.

I next know that I have to face the problem.More important to help him come to terms with the situation.I have to hold him up, help him see the response he need to make, and stood by him as he does it.

In places when I cannot help physically, I prayed and prayed while he does the needful.

That is the main difference between you and me. I have my faith Over the last few years, my faith has grown leaps and bounds.I fall back on Him.and I surrender all to Him

I next have to look into others that are implicated. That is something you need not do.I have to make sure they are standing upright and do not go into despair. I also need to mediate between all involved

A few days later, I know I need to do more to glue things together. So I divert mine and his attention. I involved myself with other more productive activities like baking and cleaning. It doesn't make the problem go away and it doesn't solve the problem but at least we have some rest from it and these activities bring a smile on others.

I do not run away, I face it upfront and I make sure I do any small thing that is required to help however small it may be like clicking a 'like' and typing a letter.

We talk it out when we feel bad. I make him talk about it so that it does not congest him.I know I cannot afford to have him falling.

You need to face it, help her to face it and help her stand up.

Sometimes when you face it and get involved in it, you also learn. You get to see how others handle it. You see the ups and of course the downs too. But the important thing is, you will not feel alone and you know that many are fighting it.You begin to understand the term 'support group' You also then see that you are not the worst and you learn to care and love more.

I am blessed because I know my God will not give me anything I can't handle. I also know He is in the know and He is there to watch over the whole episode. I also have faith that whatever the outcome, it is His will and He has greater plans that I can't see but completely trust in Him. I pray that you will come to know these words and I pray you will allow His grace to flow into your life too in due time.

What troubles me about 'Christians'

an air of arrogance
yes, my Lord said to boast but I felt that there is a thin line between proud and arrogance

complacent
when there is so much for us to show the world how He has made us better people

overconfidence
yes He will provide but how about being thankful

that they have God behind them so they can do anything and they are above others
I prefer humility

T o be fair, not all are like that but I am always sadden when I see my brothers and sisters in Christ like that.
The worst thing that can happen when someone says if being Christians is like that, they are glad they are not.

What they meant to me

going to church :
reminding myself what my faith is all about. to be in the company of people with the same faith. Later hoping it will be a place of service and knowledge gaining

worshiping through songs :
expressing my gladness that He is there. talking to Him in a melodious way.

clap offering :
something not in bible but again it is an expression of thankfulness

tithes :
saying thanks by giving back what He gave me first.Praying that it will be used the right way by those in authority

praying :
Talking to Him. communicating with Him, telling Him my innermost thoughts

bible reading :
learning more about Him, allowing Him to speak to me

speaking in tongues :
praying when I am at a lost on what to say but still want to talk to Him

being a christian :
knowing Him and how He died for me. living a life as He would want me to do so. Surrendering all to Him

Frightening

I have been reading two special facebook pages. In it I see a lot in people. and from it, a lot of emotions surfaced.
Angry that it happened
Scared at what it will implicate.
Worried for those involved
Uncertain because of the size of the entity
Lost because there is really nothing much that one can do
Impatient at when will it end or if it would end
Concern for those I love
Brave to stand by those I care for
Supportive when others falls
Being there when it matters

Then I see things into the picture

I see
coming together for a common cause
leaders coming up
unity overcoming race and religion
strength in  numbers
people's sympathy and empathy
denial in some
panic in others as the days go by
the anguish and pain in those in desperation

Lastly the feeling of shocked at some people
reaction. The happiness and glee they feel on the whole episode!
I know we don't expect sympathy and empathy BUT glee?
I opened some of their facebook and more shocking they are young people in their  teens and twenties.
OMG  are we raising a generation of young people who are like animals(thank God the number is small, or at least what I saw after all the deleting done by the administrators)
It is frightening, believe me, it is.
Imagine them as leaders in business corporation and high places!

facebook Vs blogging

Wow a long time since  I last wrote and again not because there were nothing to write about but just too much that has been ranting at the head but the hand is not typing.

Due to events in the last 2 weeks, my thoughts on my faith has also gone on full gear. Has many a time wanted to comment on facebook but realised that facebook is a social page where everyone sees it every time they open it whether they want to read it or not. Whereas here is reached only if the reader wants to open it. So those who are offended or are not interested or comfortable with who I am need not see it at all. Bottom line, I can share the 'inside' me here whereas facebook will see my social surface.

Very emo. Hope to be out of it soon

Hear and Heard

I have a bad habit. I listen too hard. Sometimes it it is good that we don't hear so much. When we were young we go about in childlike innocence, not seeing much and not hearing much.

Now that we hear, we have to respond and sometimes even if we don't respond, having heard it kind of mush things up. I do wish what I heard is not what is 'said' but having acquired the wisdom that come with age, it is difficult to convince even myself that I imagined it.

So is it better to be a bit stupid, a bit hard of hearing? One fine day, in my last days maybe I can answer the question!

pan fried Pork in apple sauce

Ever since hubby retired and we moved back to our renovated house, we have been trying out a lot of recipes.We sourced recipes from memory, cook books, internet and sometimes a mixture of ideas.
The sad thing is we are not disciplined enough to make a collection of recipes we perfected or concocted from all sources.

For example, we had western today for dinner. I liked the way the pork was cooked and the way it is presented. It started from a recipe on line with a lot of adjustments made.

So before I forget, I would like to make a start and try to record it before I forgot what we put in. Obviously the amount is left out but the ingredients needed is listed

Frozen pork was sliced thinly and marinated with
pepper
salt
cornflour
We pan fry the thin slices with
oil and a dash of mustard, adding
sliced onions and
apples cubes

After the pork is taken out, we pan fry parboiled thickly sliced Austrlian potatoes seasoned with
salt
pepper
in the leftover oil 
Some water was sprinkld to help cook it.
We served it with corn nib-lets

Eldest son like it so  much that he took 2 portion!

Is discipline the same as swotting air?

As I travel and was on the road, I do not have my laptop with me. Well I am not that 'canggih' so admit it. But that doesn't mean thoughts and feelings didn't pass me by. The two weeks were full of thoughts and strong vibes. I wanted to blog about so many things I saw and observed. No, not about the scenery and architecture. That I would leave it to the professionals. Neither did I feel that strongly about food even as I am in foreign land. Different maybe but nothing spectacular.

No, I wanted to blog about people's reaction, their habits, the characters I met, the way they carry themselves.Chatty, sincere, racist,concern, friendly, loving and others. So colourful and so interesting and yet sometimes worrying.

Ha ha ha the joke is , after the 18 hours of flight, a fall after I came back, recovering from jet lag, the fever has subsided. Never mind, I do believe it will surface again when the time is right. I will then write again

Back home, over the newspaper, the topic of punishment, caning, discipline in the school resurfaces for the umpteen time. It is so sad. I wanted so much to ask these people especially the educationist involved if they know what is disciple. How is punishments in the school different from  sentences in the court of law. Do they know their role as an educationist? Do they realise that they are dealing with young minds that they have a responsibility to form and not hard core criminals.

Whenever they suspend a child from school or cane a child, do they know why they do it. What are the actions suppose to bring about. Have the child been told why the punishment was meted out be it caning or suspension.Are these actions going to bring about a positive change in the child? Both the actions are and should be meted out but only if the the one carrying it out know why he or she is doing it. Only if the child has been convinced that it should be carried out and and that it will bring about the desired effect. Failing it, no one should even qualify themselves as a disciplinarian. And thus not even qualify to even scold a child what more to suspend or cane them.

Can the authorities go back to the table and clear their minds and then set out to pass the whole concept of discipline to the appropriate people. As long as that is not done(and I don't see that happening in the near future) the whole discussion is equivalent to swotting air!

Dancing a different tune

Little sweetie graduated a few weeks ago and had decided to spend another year in UK to do her pre registration. Hubby and me spend 2 weeks with her one in Italy and another in Glasgow. All together that will mean I won't hug her for another six months at least.

As time goes by, the family changes. The children grow up and need to flap their wings. All nice and right to say that we let them flap and fly as they wish. We have prepared then for 20 plus years. It is time to let go and not stress them with our over concern. But then whoever who says that is not a mother. At least not a mother like me. I don't know whether to envy or to pity mothers who can just let go so easily. Maybe the closeness was never there. Maybe I am more sentimental? Sensitive? Paranoid? It is not about worrying . It is something call missing them.Is it good or is it bad? Either way I couldn't let go that easily...... bottom line.

I bring my 3 children up hugging them, kissing them.I had to say that the emotional tag for me is very strong.The logical part is to let go. The practical part is to accept that they have grown up The fact is I have done all I can done for them. But then, the string I have dance a different tune.

God knows when or if ever I will get over it.God knows if they ever knows and affect then negatively.

Someone Speaking?

For the past few weeks I have been pondering over some morbid things.
Has been wondering when I die, how long will it matters to different people.
Decided that

to friends and acquaintances, as long as the obituary is on?
to relatives, until the funeral?
to my children, until all is settled and they go back to their life which might take 2 to 3 months?
to my husband, maybe a year?

and then it is truly dust to dust, a fleeting memory, to ponder once a while.........
how true that life here is so temporary.

Not that it is sad but to me, it is the reality of life on earth.
Face it, accept it.,make the best of it while we are here
and
Hope that when it is time, make it simple.

and then

I got a message....................


On this day, God wants you to know...
... that you are important.

You have a role to play in this universe, even if you do not know it yet. Without you, this divine clockwork would not be the same. So look after yourself. There is a reason for your existence.

Are You speaking?

What a week

So much happened in the last seven days. So many different feelings passes through this heart of mine. So many questions.

Sunday as an emotional mothers day as I received the holy spirits blessings and was gifted with the tongue. Itself bring forth feeling of happiness, relief, gratefulness and a special spiritual overall that no words could describe.

Monday we discovered that our shoe rack was looted of the men's shoes. After taking stock with the 2 sons, 9 pairs were gone which includes a broken pair, daddy's new walking shoes for Italy, A's newly repaired working shoes and Au tracking boots which was a hand over fr a cousin. The monetary lost was not much but it meant further shopping.Naturally that brought forth the alarm man to suggest a photo beam. Feelings of being vulnerable and and regret for being too complacent sprouted.

Thursday night was a frightening night as we discover a break in right as we were in. With God's grace that made us armed the house much earlier than usual, the intruder left as the alarm sounded but not without costing damages to the gate, grille and window. Praise the Lord for M, alarm man, the repairs and reinforcement was done the next day. Oh the invasion of privacy, the hard knock of the danger we could have faced and the waking up that we could have lost our life brought cold sweat to me. I can't rest well and sleep eludes me.More than that, I need to suppress myself for the sake of others around me. Oh what a mess.

Soon thoughts of other thing came up. Breaking of fridge door, broken antenna, broken shoes, punctures in a car all within this short frame of time.Is it another test of faith The chill that flows through and the heaviness of the heart but i refuse to buckle. My faith in Him holds. I feel the crumbling and I holds on to His promise.At church today worship was energising and it strengthen me.I would be lying if I say it was back to normal. But I am determine to claim His strength to stand strong; for myself and for the family.For my prayers to be answered.

Oh what a week.

Suppose to be Love Story

I stepped into the school after nearly 5 years of absence.No I didn't miss it. It was on the way to do something.
I still saw traces of my presence in the school. Five years and it is still there? Much said and truth about my passion but I finally discover that it is my passion for the children and their future. It wasn't the school.

I was a student in the mid 70s
I was a trainee teacher in 1979
I was called back to serve in 1981 when many wrongly assumed that I requested for it.
I was a teacher there walking through the corridors for more than 25 years,
I served as a senior science teacher
I was a member of the OBA
I was a committee member for years when no one was interested
My husband was an old boy
My two sons had their education there
I doubt many can challenge my involvement with the school!

So was I passionate about the school? Sorry to say and disappoint many, the answer is NO.I finally know that it was the children and education that I was passionate about. That is why I could love the children from another school even it was for 4 months. That is why the girls were just as precious to me as the boys.
It saddens me when certain things happened and it is not about the school. It was the children and the effect it had on them at that tender age.

Releasing and Listening

Pastor talked about days when we hear silence from heaven above. There are days when I am not sure what I feel.There are days when I get pretty emotional. And when I do, I fear that I will be depressed. Times like these, I feel I need to get out of it I know being depress is no good. So what do I do?.

I try to stop feeling.I numb myself. I tell myself that if thousands faces situations like mine. and millions have worse problems like mine, who am I to be complaining.Who am I to feel depress?

So what am I to feel.?
To accept, to stop feeling?
to overcome? Yes to overcome but how to overcome?
It is knowing that there is a problem and knowing it should not be a problem.To release it all unto Him?
Lately there seem to be a lot of release. I am overloading my different releases to Him.

What now but to listen.

Teachers

I am a teacher.I had teachers. I worked with teachers. I met with my children's teachers.

To teach is to love your students.Teachers training taught us a minute part of teaching ompare with all that a teacher need to do in school. Many things were not touched  upon but is essential to us.Class room control, paperwork, balancing accounts, handling parents, handling disciple and much more.So how do we go about it? or rather how do we survive in the school. We look for example, we learn from our mistakes but basically, we must love to teach.. Teaching has no glamour. Forget about grateful students and only one in a million might have a coffee table book written about them in their golden years Teach because you love and that is all.No buts and no ifs. Just as parents were never trains to be one, we do all we did out of love for our children.I believe it is the same for teaching.

So where do we draw the line on teachers' duties and not our duties as teachers?I was one of those who wished that I was just allowed to teach and educate with a big full stop. Looking back,I realised that

• while  I pull the weeds with the students on gotong royong day, I had a chance to work with them, hear them and understand them.
• on a trip with them, I learn what make them laugh and what they enjoy and hates about school.
• as I disciple them, I was reminded that some are so poor that they have to work after school.
• when I collect fees and fill in the particulars in the register, I get to know more about their background  and where they came from.
• as I sit down with the kids and just listen to them, I learn so much about them. I understand their behaviour and thoughts.I see their point of view

and all these helps me to educate them. Among other things

• I learn that they need respect as much as we do young as they are and even if they are discipline cases.
• They accept punishments better when they see why they were wrong.
• They are more tolerant when they know why certain rules are made(and this is so true with parents)
• A lecturer shares knowledge but a teacher educates
• A school do not judge and punish but should discipline and mould 

If I am asked today, I would not say that there are many things that are not a teacher's duty but rather, please give us more loving teachers so that we can share all that we need to do as teachers so that we can be better educators.

ENVY

I am 55 years old this year, I worked nearly 30 years during which I met people of all ages.I came from a big family of 6 siblings and a large extended family. I married into a family which is just as large and complex.
I met with all kinds people and they express all kinds of feelings. Of which one adjectives just piss me off.

Envy. When they think you are well, they are envious, when you are down, they love to play saviour. Is it necessary? Why envy? My Saviour tells me that all things happen for a reason and everything is His will. Why question? When that understanding dissolved into me, I found peace and I pray that many others may enjoy the peace like me. When we see someone smiling, there were times, she was sad. When she is sad, she had good time  before.So why calculate and be jealous when others are well. Be sincerely happy for them. The equation of life is endless and we can't see everything.Why then do we try to equate and justify?

When some one is well off in material, she most probably worked for it. Nothing came down from the sky except His blessings. A CEO may earn a lot but he gave and sacrificed a lot too.When there is great achievement, there was great input.Why envy?

When someone has a beautiful house, it was because she put a lot of effort into it. When they have a happy family, it is because they know how to be satisfied. When their children are loving, it is because they have been exposed to a loving family and they made an example of it. Yes no doubt sometimes it is not so simple. At times like that, pray and pray. H e knows but let His will be done.

One step further. When you receive a blessing be thankful He gave you and be gracious that someone prayed for you. Be thankful. It make us happier and a much more pleasant person to be with.Others are unfortunately human. We pray to love others. Make it a little easier on us to love you.

No one owes you anything. No body is obligated to share with you what they sow but if they do, be grateful.

A few minutes later

Saw this on 'Our Daily Bread ' a few minutes after I put up the last post.

 Let’s study the Word, pray for God’s direction, and trust His leading (Ps. 91:2) before we step out in any venture of faith.

My times are in my Father’s hand;
How could I wish or ask for more?
For He who has my pathway planned
Will guide me till my journey’s o’er. —Fraser

We see in part; God sees the whole.

So I still can feel and think.

.......................................

One of those days when you want to write something but your mind is is blank. Totally not thinking and not having any opinions.One of those days when anything can happen and nothing affects me.

Post CNY

Chinese new year start with the cleaning up, the baking and the cooking.It climax when second son is back and the series of reunions, makans and visits. It run over with the young ones going back to work.

To me, it has been tiring but satisfying when the cookies turn out nice, the dishes well cooked,the family sitting together.It was good to met up with everyone while I still miss my girl in Glasgow.

Things should get back to normal and the next item on the agenda will be our visit to UK to see my daughter.

So how do I feel now?To tell the truth, the euphoria is over and I do not feel anything. I want to get back to my routine and I want to get back to my list of to-do.

Maybe church will perk me up again tomorrow

With Time and Repeats

One and half years,
 three and a half years,
countless times
Is it better, is it less painful?

No
it is just the same, no different.
Will I ever overcome it
Will I ever get used to it,
Will my hart be hardened one day

No
I doubt it
It was my wish and my fantasy that with time
and with repeats, it will be better
Yes, it is just a wish
For now years later
I know now it will never get better
My heart is still the same,
my feeling will never change

No
time and repeats won't improve nor will it lessen the pain
So to accept and bear with it

Groundnuts cookies

Chinese new year favourite that melts in the mouth.

300 g of groundnuts, roasted and grounded fine
225 g of flour, sifted
200 g icing sugar
Oil to bind
Egg yolk to brush

Mix the first 3 ingredients well
use just enough oil so that a dough can be formed
Make little balls and shape it with a small indentation in the centre
Bake at 160 degree C till slightly brown

Recipe courtesy of a fellow teacher.Thanks Pin Sin
Sugar can be reduced and add a pinch of salt

A matter of perspective

Many a time after church, we talk about what the message was about.Strangely, I find myself interpreting it differently. It gives me the thought that though the message is the same, we hear differently because He wants to tell us different things.Isn't it a miracle how He works things out?

As we were talking about the preparation of a joyous occasion tonight, it is funny too to see how different people view the preparation in so adverse different way. One feels that the cloth to be used need to be prepared months ahead and purchased oversea while another happily suggested recycling . While one feels that comfort is utmost, another feels that it is most important to make sure it match. In the end, I feel the occasion will come to pass and the overall atmosphere will be the same as long as we are happy doing what we feel at peace. We (includes me) can view a function with all the stress in the world or just sit back and enjoy the occasion.The path we take determines the aura we will radiate.How important is it that all things must fall into place with all the plan A,B and C ready? The most perfectly planned function will have it's flaws. The most unplanned occasion will still go on.As for me, looking back and reflecting, I would just like to do my best but still feel comfortable and not get stressed out.

As in all things I now believe we plan but He decides.Such a wonderful peaceful revelation to us who are His sons and daughters.

Chinese New Year 2012

Chinese New Year 2012 is different and significant in some ways. This is the first year we are having CNY without my mother-in-law. The sisters and brothers in law went on as usual but I just can't help giving her a thought or two now and then. Just that it is without her.It is also the first year I could prepare for the season with my hubby totally at my side as he is fully retired.The companionship and the togetherness made up partly for the absence of my daughter.This year too we enjoyed the environment of our little cosy abode that gives hubby and me a sense of serenity.

Most important, this is the year I give praise to my Lord in full with my heart giving thanks every part of the way.Thanking Him for Ed's save journey and unexpected early arrival. Attending service on the eve before the start of the long celebration also allows me to ask Him to walk alongside me this festivity. I am glad He has help me do away with the idolatry this year Thank You Lord

Tasty Savoury Crispies

Something I found some where and twisted slightly. Apologies the source which I really can't remember.

Tasty Savoury Crispies for CNY 2012

125 g flour
A handful of chicken floss
75 g  butter
100 g chicken flavoured potato chips (crushed and added last)
3 tbsp icing sugar (put less if you don't have a sweet tooth, I did)
1 tbsp paprika (I substitute with pepper)
! egg yolk
4 tbsp milk

As I make biscuits, cream butter with sugar gradually add everything else.
chips last
Optional, add black and normal sesame

bake at 180 deg C for 15 minutes or till slightly brown

Enjoy trying, Glasgow

Good doctors and teachers

This morning I read a letter in the newspaper written by a doctor. He/she talked about how he/she was affected by a patient's death though he/she has been taught by his/her lecturer that things like that should not disturb a doctor too much.

This evening while talking to my son, he spoke of how he was sadden by one of his ex-patient(he has since changed department) death. And how 2 of his patients are at near end.

What do the medical profession aspires their young doctors to feel?Basing on their training , (as discussed lately in the newspaper), they seem to be gruelled and hammered and worked to their last bit of energy. Skills and knowledge and stamina has to be trained intensely Unconsciously, we are getting very tired exhausted doctors. To this, they will have no time or energy to 'feel'. A death is just another report to be made. A very sick patient is just a bed that needs monitoring.

Like the writer above said in the letter,beneath the white coat is a human. Beyond getting medication and treatment, the patient needs a tender touch. This goes beyond the sick one to their loved ones. A tender show of care, a word or a smile at the right time can go very far.

But then again what do we want our doctors to be? Is a good doctor someone who is knowledgeable with good medical skills? Or is medical care goes more than that?. To me, when I am sick, I believe my end has been well arranged by some one up there long before my coming into existence. The doctors are just His angels to do the physical work. The final decision is only His to make. So saying, a caring doctor wins hand down as compared to a smart but  hard core one.

Medical care, like teaching deals with living souls with feelings. There are guidelines to our profession but every case should be handled with love and a inner commitment before we can be called successful doctors and teachers.

Lastly as teachers and doctors, we also need to know when to leave our work behind when we walk out of the gates so that we can be rejuvenated to a fresh start again the next day.

CNY 2012 Approaching

CNY is in 2 weeks time. This will be the second year without my daughter. Am I suppose get used to it? I don't  know but all I know is that I still don't like it.Whenever the family is not complete, it feel like an arm is missing.It can't be help and I am not lamenting. Just that I won't say I am okay with it. Guess that is just a mother's sentiments or maybe a woman's sentiments as my hubby and son would insist!

To all parents out there, enjoy your children while you can. To all children out there, it is precious moments with your parents.

Only difference this year is that I have hubby with me full time. We are making the best of things, planning the meals, shopping and preparing goodies and decorations. Yes, I am glad he is with me. And I know I have to let go of my children but it would be nice to have them too.

When I amTroubled........

Remembering the days when I was young (my earliest memories of childhood), when ever I am not happy, I would sit alone with my toy or just a book. Either that or I will do something physically to exhaust myself.

This went on into my teens. Then TV came into being.(Rather when my family could afford a TV) I would use it to numb myself and forget about my troubles. I still remembered when I was offered a place in the Technical College after my Form 3, I couldn't decide whether to accept it or not. My parents wanted me there but my brother who was from there did not want me there. I have no idea why though. My dad took me there to see the place hoping that it would prompt me to say yes. The only guy I met there did not see why a girl would want to be there. In short I was so undecided so I just sat in front of the TV and numb myself with the shows. I remembered my dad was so mad with me assuming I just didn't bother to care or think.

Later in life, when I missed my dad  after his death, I used to write a lot. Poems, letters to him or just words depicting my thoughts and feelings. Of course, they had no readers.

When trouble brew in my twenties, I continue to write.

After I got married, I guess I had no time to be troubled because, the job was challenging and being a wife and mother did not give one much time to even stop and think; what more feel.

In between, the saddest part of my life in my thirties was when I lost my mother.I won't say we were the best of pals or that we had the loveliest  of relationship but her death affected me a lot. She was very important to me and in a way, I was deeply affected by her feelings, and her very existence. In short, e were close. After her funeral, I used to just sit down and let my tears roll for a long time without  crying or sobbing out loud.

Later on I would learn to talk my feelings out with others but looking back, I wonder if it was wise.You will never know how so called friends could use certain knowledge for their own benefit or just give you an odd stare.Sometimes the closest of people don't know how to react and that make me more exasperated.

Much later in life as I reach middle age, I began to see the benefits of walking. When I was troubled, I would think things out with myself and I found walking very refreshing. I would just walk and walk and walk in the out door garden near my house. The trouble will become clearer and the 'worry' energy is channelled out. Maybe stress was reduced too.

Today, I use a combination of writing, physical workout, TV and just being in solitude when I am troubled. I find all these therapeutic. I seldom talked it out but I prayed a lot. So I guess I only talk with Him.

As I enter into the next phase of life and towards my end, will I stay quiet and walk into the sunset?

From the heart

We hear so often that we should love and care, be thoughtful, empathise etc etc.from church, from leaders and from practically everybody who thinks they can advice. I agree. The world needs more of that.

They also go one step further to tell you how to care , how to show that you love and the steps to take to show that you are a friend again etc etc. Yes, I also agree.

But hardly do I hear of someone telling one very important  fact if not the most important point. That is...

 to love and care sincerely from the heart.

All that we can do can be done because we should and we must. Maybe because of the role we play. Maybe we are parents. Christians, role models, friends and leaders.

But if it not done right ultimately I feel it negates things and even worsen the relationship when it is not done from the heart. Nothing irritates me more than a weak handshake and a quick glance as I pass by. It makes me feel as if I was just in the way of their duty.  I rather just go without the handshake just not to receive the vibes. If we do care, do take a few seconds more to look at me in the eyes and give me a smile from the heart that says I truly am glad to see you. Sorry to say that I feel that at a place that I go every week. (Don't get me wrong, not that it only happens there BUT rather that is the place where I interact most with other people as I am now a retiree) I would rather they give me a smile, look at me at the eyes and maybe a nod.A weak handshake gives me the message' OK so you are here, now go so that I can say hi to the next guy' .It doesn't give the warmth that it was meant to be and maybe that is where it has failed.It was meant to make others feel welcome but if it is not done well, it will negates everything else. Making someone feel welcome is not the words 'welcome' and words like 'sorry if I didn't show or do it' has lost it purpose because it is already done, like it or mean it or not.

I feel so sad that those involved just do not understand that when one truly feels and care and love, one do not really need the steps or ways to show it. Your body language, your very action shows it. You will emits the feelings and the vibes. I was never thought to love and care but I am sure my students and friends knew that I do.

Bottom line is when you want to love, sincerely love and care otherwise the recipient will know.Otherwise please do not try to care and love. It emits an uncomfortable aura.

I guess I am lucky that I need not pretend but then I have never wanted or need to pretend. I always avoid people I don't particularly feel 'loving' to. And then again others may view that as my negative point and that was my downfall 5 years ago. That was when I allowed politics to take over my career and cut it short.But then again I say, I had no regrets.

 My God love first and I pray that more (including myself) could grow to be more like Him