How I feel

when I hear of me I chee dying, I have deep fear. Fear of being like her, fear of my cancer spreading. I start to feel a foment discomfort thinking of bone cancer and stomach cancer. Then I look at my hand and the swelling wondering if it will ever end. I feel lousy. Fearful, depressed.i Brooke down.
I pray and I pray. I pray that God hear me, see my fear, heal me.
I next tell Him I don't want to die. I ask fOr 10 more years. He gave so many others so many years can he give me just 10 years. Then you realise it is individual what he gave others has nothing to do with what he will give me. I feel down and down. I am not even telling my family about nothing.
I pray and I pray. Then I look at the way my husband and my sons are loving me. What they have gone through the last six months. Nursing me, driving me at least once a week to hospital. The physical strain my husband went through. The emotional of sadness but giving me a positive look to boost me up. It has to be tiring for him.physically and emotional.
Ed has to postpone his career movement, go through leave plans and changing working schedule, rushing in and out. How he purchase anything that he think wills contribute to my wellbeing, hats, machines, how to tie scarves
Adrian has grown up a lot, helping in all the ways he can. Being home as much as possible.
Tes the family has gone through a lot. If God wants to take me, maybe it is because the family needs a relieve. I thank them for all the love. I am at peace. It is ok. Pray Lord to make it peaceful and not painful
Thank you Lord for this family.thank you Lord for the grace

High and low

there are days when you are high. You feel you are having God behind you and nothing can defeat you. I have been prepping myself up and has been successful. I tot I manage it. But no I must have new challenges. Two round into new regime I must have heart palpitations and high pulse rate.it tired me out and push me down I am beginning to feel depressed.
Not only I can help, l need to be. Helped for most things.this is the time when you don't mind dying.if God has no function for me here and I only add to burden, you know your existence is of no used.i am prepared to saymygoodbye and pray that the family is tired enough to say goodbye.
I will see what I need to do but really God I has been and is always a simple person. Nothing complicated nothing demanding. Just that you decide my life should be otherwise

Second try at chemo

tonight is Sunday two days before my second try at chemo with a new regime. The last few nights has been waking up in fear. Meditating on his words. I wish I am strong and can go in with a brave front but I can't abba father.
I know you didn't give me a spirit of fear and I feel such a failure disappointing you. Forgive me lord.
It is just the time when I am beyond words. Lord, cover me. Cover me Jesus. Jesus jesus
I know Edmunds little tender heart as he hugs me, massage me, pack my medicine, hold my hands, console me. I have such a gentile son in him. He makes my bed and tuck me in. He sees to so many of my needs that I feel lost when he is not around. It is so unfair to Matthew and him but I can't change me feelings.

Things I don't like

in all these, I noticed I am selfish. I do not have others in my mind as much as I want it to be. I need to restart praying for others.
I don't like the mood swings I have. Happy sad, worry, angry. The negative I know but I can't control as it creeps up on me

The feeling of loneliness, self pity wanting to crawl into a hole.

My husbandth

looking at my husband drooping off to sleep while watching a show really hurts me.
This monster I am tagged with has taken a toll on the man I love most. He has to see yo my unique needs in juicing, preparing special food for me and seeing me suffer and trying in all ways to make things more pleasant for me. He made special porridge trying to give me variety when I can't eat. He ate with me food thaticouldhold ate just yo keep me company even if it is food he doesn't like. The emotional strain plus the physical strain has been tremendous on him. Ferrying me to the hospitals to see the various doctors for different reasons.
He has to run the household on his own while last time we always could discuss and made decisions together.
I am so angry and so sad.angry with myself and angry at the monster.. And to think that the journey is still at its initial stage.
Why and how I could only surrender to you lord. Pray lord your grace upon my husband. In Jesus name I pray amen.

Next step

Today will be making a second attempt to see the oncologist. Going to inform her that I do not wish to cont with the chemotherapy
Obviously very nervous and troubled over it
Basing on every medical book, it is like telling the world I would like to live a few years less and I am walking on glass. If I try to look at the side effects, it is so frightening and nobody dares tell me that it won't be worst. If the last round is still not over, can I take the next round and heap on it.
I feel it in me that the Lord will heal me if I stop. I am to testify that h dis with me. But what if the feeling is wrong . What if I heard him wrong?. I am at peace but what if I am at peace due to human nature and not his peace
That is chemotherapy . What about the next step. The radiotherapy, the on e year infusions what am I suppos e to decide.
Prayed and prayed that I leave it to the Lord. That he will be there at the consultation storm and he will lead the discussion and he will make the decisions. Pray lord lord be there. Be there to lead the meeting and be my father abba to decide on the result. I really only want to strings that pleases you show ever frightening or wrong it is to others. I believe you will carry me through.
Lord lord once again, I cry out to you hear me in heaven, answer me and respond to me.
 I truly have faith that you have a plan for mr a plan to prosper me and not to harm me.oh lord I need the peace you promise and your strength to carry on
Lord lord lord father I can not think of calling out to you in Jesus name I pray amen

Few days in between

Monday suppose to  give blood and Tuesday was suppose to be second round
Instead Monday went in to try to see the oncologist. She was not around. So the meeting was postponed to Thursday afternoon. Wasting Edmunds and Adrian's leave. What to do.
So these few days will be the floating days not knowing what and how.
I was disturbed and wondered if I a
Should give it another try. Immediately my sores flare up. I don't know why. Stress or was it His message.. Truth is when I decided not to carry on, I do feel peace.
I this decide not to think about it. Let Him handle it. At least I had the sense of mind to at least what God has for me as an alternative .
Scanned through the net, read on juicing and turmeric and vitamins.
It is still His plan that matters. I just clean the house the way ai know how. By going it Somme cleaning, boosting it  with what I think it lacks. Whether it is the way or not, mine not to questioned. Just trust

End of second month

cancer two months ago is so alien. Beginning of the year heard that me I chee has it and she is about the only person I know personally that is a patient. I can't even think of another person I know. Today it is me!
I wish I have a magic formula but I don't. I don't know how to react and what to do. It brings you down on your knees and you only have Him for support.

You don't know if it ever ends. And when and how it ends. A painful death is so frightening.

So you kinda think you don't mind dying fast. But than dying is so sad. So your mood turn bad.
Then you tell yourself to be happy so that you can fight this monster and so the circle turns. Not only does it turn it goes up and down with your mood.

Surrender

this morning I know the most important reason why I am not going for chemotherapy any more.
It not only bring the worse of my character and temper, it takes me away from my God.
Yesterday at the specialist dentist, I was taken aback when he prayed for me. I now realised that God has been really really sending his people around me every corner I turn. The oncologist the dentists,he hasn't left me.
But in my pain and desperation I had been unfaithful. I doubted him and I shut him out. I am sorry God. I am so sorry. At that instant I realised cannot let this cancer treatment do that to me. I am now more sure it is s the right decision to make. I cannot let it take my god away from me.
Today I am going to surrender not only my soul and spirit but literally my body over to Him. It is His temple after all. My job is yo keep it as clean as possible. The rest is His to do. The day will come when he decides the take my soul back and throw away this body. I will be there in no pain to say. Your will not mine

16 th day after first round

I am so angry, the sores are getting worst and today is 16 days after chemotherapy. I am suppose to eat to strengthen my abode for the next bashing. Right now I am still talking about getting out of the downhill effect of the first round

What the lump did to me

The little two cm li lump and the five nodes had made me into a person I hate.
I became the selfish person I am thinking only about me, my pain, my sufferings. And it is a person I hate
It made me doubt my faiths, the existence of the god that I have always prayed to, wondering about the love he talks about he has for me. It shakes me up so much that I don't think rationally any more. And I don't want to think. I only react
And I react angrily, so angry with the world and everything that goes with it.
People kind words are no longer welcomed. Their Wellington tension if not carried further becomes a hated thing instead of being kinder
I hate it I hate I hate it, I hate what it is doing to me and I hate it more when I don't know when it can subside.
The sores are not going away d. For everyone that is subsiding slightly , another one comes up stronger. When will it end. So far one one has fully gone but three or four more has come up. When when when when will it end

At the beginning, it was denial, when I accepted it, I was ready to fight. I had the books, the puzzle and the bible all ready. Then I realise every little step was actually a giant mountain to my body and my soul. It whack me hard and then I decided to just look at one day at a time. Then it slap me and made me lost my senses.then you say you win, I sit back. It was still not satisfied, the bashing still come none stop till I say ok I am ready to go, just take me. Still no stop, I have now been reduced to say, just give me a moment of peace when you take me. If God has ang existence or any care or other forme, just give my last days painless and peaceful and fast

This is what the lump has done to me. And I hate it

Praying for my family's faith

in all these, I am at peace to find
Out that the husband and the children has not lose their faith in you lord. I might lose sight of you and I want to be back to you every time. I know it is wrong but sometimes it takes s just so difficult.  But the last thing I want is for anyone especially my family to lose you because of me.
Thank you lord for still keeping them with you. May they never lose you. In Jesus name I pray amen

I don't want

i just spend nearly two hours with Audrey won the Skype and I can't speak a word. That is not what I want. This is ridiculous!
I go in to bath and as I rub shampoo, I only felt hair on my hand. It is so dramatic but I can't say anything.
I came out and daddy prayed for me but I feel so void. Ed hold my hands and I feel nothing in my mind.
I just want to collapse into a hole and stay there.i want to go to sleep and sleep through it and if it never ends, I don't want to wake up
Stay positive stay positive stay positive. But how to stay positive.
I am not sure if I am having constipation but really nothing much is coming out. What comes out is not hard but really can't push
No appetite no nothing. Can I just stare and have no relation.that is exactly how I feel. Nothing

Why post

why am I posting every few minutes. That is because I don't know how much time I have left and I can't talk so this is my only means

In this journey, I found those true friends who made the extra extra effort. Extra because like others a they do t know what to do but felt they must do something.

Those constantly at my side are yokes, my lay swan, Kay wan, my sister
Those who felt that they have to do something are also plenty. Can't blame them. Everyone have their own life and we are just a minuscule part of it.
There are those who did all they could at that moment of need. Those who send contacts for help and tried to make things better. They tried

And of course those ........
No regrets. I have no request, no e pectations, I have no anger with anyone.i a m at peace.
Just want to let them know I am grateful for for every little thing done. I can't thank you but only pray that God bless you

this fourney

This journey has been so frightening ans painful and it has only started. It won't end till the day I breathe the last.
 I told edmund and Matthew that at my last, if it is painful, let me go after I say goodbye to the children and husband. They are my most precious and they only matters at that point. Please induce a come to overcome the pain and then let me go.
Going a month earlier or a month later doesn't matter anymore. My last prayer isthegod give my a peaceful death.
After death all does not matter.my other prayer is thaticouldhold my faith till then. Whether it was ago drake or not, it isHis judgment, not mine.

I felt I am finished.

Reflections

in 1972 my father felt sick in April or May found out he had cancer and died three months later.imy journey started in 1 September and I am only two months down the line. I am half died.

When he died he can't talk in his last days because they created a tube in his throat to breath. I can't talk today because of the ulcers and sores.

He wasn't a child of God I am
He died three days short of his 69 birthday. I turn 58  in about two weeks time.

Hied 33 years ago

I meditate the whole night every time I am conscious till I drop off. Did I see a difference. No.

I am sorry I had to ask where are you God. My journey of faith went through a roller coaster. I wanted to do so ,uch. Right now I just pray you have enough mercy to give me a peaceful death. No more torture.

Why do I end up this way. His choice I know it is his choice but why.i M not a strong child of yours. I am just another quiet child of yours. Not only am I going through this port or. It pains me more seeing my husband going through this worst.

Had I took a wrong turn somewhere in my life.

I fight so hard to keep my faith. I fight sos hard to keep positive. The bashing I got is sbeyond description for a small weakling like me. Why me,

Feeling scared

my hair is falling. I am putting on a brave front but actually I am so scared
My mouth sores is not getting better. My gums are swollen. I am so scared it is due to the steroid. Or is it inflammation. Bottom line it is not getting better
I can't tell my husband. He is stress enough.
I am so so so scared tonight and I have no one to confide to. I feel so lonely.

So many s there God. I cried and cried out but I don't hear I prayed and prayed but things are only getting worse. I really can't take it. I am so ready to die. If I have the means to commit suicide I think I would have used it.

So I am chicken. I have been a scary cat all my life. These are my darkest hours and I got the feeling it is going to get darker a till. Oh god god god father abba, Heavenly Father where re you. I can't even praise you or scream at you. I can't even open my mouth.lord lord lord the only way I can cry to you is through type written words. Oh my gosh lord.how am I to believe that there is a heaven when I am going through hell and I can't reach out anywhere.
I am going crazy. I am going crazy.
I can't stand it I really can't. What am I to do

My children and my husband

To my children 

Tonight I have my ans.

I finally understood what is it to release my body and soul to God. He has brought me to see no way but only his way. I thank him for the answer.

If it is his will I would love to hold each of your soul partner in my hands and welcome them into the family. I would want to thank them for choosing you and for loving you. I would like to bless them with you to start a loving family filled with gods love in the home and family. I would want to hug them hard and tell them I love them as much as each of you love them.

If I could, I would love to loving take care of the ladies ans they carried my grandchildren in their word. I would love to loving cook the best of food for them in their every pregnancy till their confinement. I would loving lah old their hand at the labour time and tell them their husband is on their way and lovingly hand them over when they arrive.

 If I could, I want to loving hold each and every grandchild warmly in my hands and tell them grandma love the very very much.

If it is gods will I will treasure every moment of time I would spend with all of you, my children.

If it it his will.

My husband thank you lord for this loving supportive husband who have brought me years of love and happiness., thank you lord for the three children and raising them up to be your children while I spend time loving other children in the school.

In all these I know you truly had loved me.

My darling husband, if it is in his will, I would like to spend every morning waking up locvingly in your arms, every morning enjoying a sip of tea with you during breakfast and spending every waking moment next to you. Doing everything together. These moments are more precious than any travels or treasure I have or any new dress that I have. If it is in his will.

It is warm and snuggle to go to bed knowing you are purring near me, feeling your touch when I am uncomfortable, if it is his will.

I know not how many more moments I will have and how many mornings I will have but I will certainly thank the lord for every moment and every morning and night he give me.

My prayer

Abba father I come to you in prayer tonight. In the stillness of the night as I hear from.
Abba, you know me before I was form in my mothers womb and you know my body as you form it. The cancer was put there and I will trust you with all my heart  and lean not on my own u derstanding why it is there.
Abba father you brought about me a bout of side effects that knot u derstanding but now know it is your way. I have the sores attack at a time when I relax and tot it was over to tell me it is not all you have prepare for me. You gave me the vagina dryness that no one anticipated and prepared me. You even prepared the oncologist to tell me that the dryness has nothing to do with the treatment. I know now why as I am brought by you to realise that to eliminate the pain in my vagina, I need estrogen which is the very thing I can't use if the cancer is to be eliminated. I n
Now know that I can have both so the usual treatment is not for me to follow.
In my movements of my hand you brought me to come across the fact that I am not able to do what they call the alternative. The alternative you tell me is much more than what I understand. So I will not be heal by alternative.
Abba that means you have just tell me that the only way I am to be heal if it is you will is through your mighty hand. Only your mighty hand can heal me off the side effects and the cancer. Abba at this point of prayer, I claim your healing touch to heal my sores in the mouth and the vagina dryness. I also claim your healing touch to rid my body of all cancer cells for that is the only way for my healing. Oh lord I claim it now in the mighty name of Jesus. I claim the healing touch.
Abba father I totally surrender my body and my soul to you lord in this night at this instant. May your will be done as I question not your plan for me. To die is to follow your will. To be heal is to praise you every morning and night that I have.
The trip to Melaka tomorrow is to fulfill a meeting with another child of yours and may your will be done again on your plans.
In the mighty name of Jesus ,your son , I prayer. The father, the son and the Holy Spirit I pray,in your name. Amen.

My list to remember

thank you lord for another day. I thank  you for covering and blessing the family. Thank you for being with me.

My list to remember.. Looking back at the verses I was reading the last 10 days,  i realised the the lord has been speaking to me telling me he is with me, to trust him.it has been comforting thank you lord. Roman 12,12, johan 14:23, Matthew 24:35, PS 119:7, 2 the 3:5, pro 15:29, is 26:4, is 26:4. PS 34:6, ps16:8. His great way to prepare me for next week.

Now Every Time the pain comes, my prayer takes it away.

My God loves me through grace alone and not through works. I pray your healing hand brings me out of this if it is your will and I can't wait to tell those who needs it how much you will love them, how you will be with them, holding their hands as you are doing with me. Lord heal me and lead me to those who need to know, so that you can comfort and love them thro me. I long to be used by you lord. Lord you know my heart as you know me even before I am formed. Lord, thank you. In Jesus mighty name I pray amen