CNY is in 2 weeks time. This will be the second year without my daughter. Am I suppose get used to it? I don't know but all I know is that I still don't like it.Whenever the family is not complete, it feel like an arm is missing.It can't be help and I am not lamenting. Just that I won't say I am okay with it. Guess that is just a mother's sentiments or maybe a woman's sentiments as my hubby and son would insist!
To all parents out there, enjoy your children while you can. To all children out there, it is precious moments with your parents.
Only difference this year is that I have hubby with me full time. We are making the best of things, planning the meals, shopping and preparing goodies and decorations. Yes, I am glad he is with me. And I know I have to let go of my children but it would be nice to have them too.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
When I amTroubled........
Remembering the days when I was young (my earliest memories of childhood), when ever I am not happy, I would sit alone with my toy or just a book. Either that or I will do something physically to exhaust myself.
This went on into my teens. Then TV came into being.(Rather when my family could afford a TV) I would use it to numb myself and forget about my troubles. I still remembered when I was offered a place in the Technical College after my Form 3, I couldn't decide whether to accept it or not. My parents wanted me there but my brother who was from there did not want me there. I have no idea why though. My dad took me there to see the place hoping that it would prompt me to say yes. The only guy I met there did not see why a girl would want to be there. In short I was so undecided so I just sat in front of the TV and numb myself with the shows. I remembered my dad was so mad with me assuming I just didn't bother to care or think.
Later in life, when I missed my dad after his death, I used to write a lot. Poems, letters to him or just words depicting my thoughts and feelings. Of course, they had no readers.
When trouble brew in my twenties, I continue to write.
After I got married, I guess I had no time to be troubled because, the job was challenging and being a wife and mother did not give one much time to even stop and think; what more feel.
In between, the saddest part of my life in my thirties was when I lost my mother.I won't say we were the best of pals or that we had the loveliest of relationship but her death affected me a lot. She was very important to me and in a way, I was deeply affected by her feelings, and her very existence. In short, e were close. After her funeral, I used to just sit down and let my tears roll for a long time without crying or sobbing out loud.
Later on I would learn to talk my feelings out with others but looking back, I wonder if it was wise.You will never know how so called friends could use certain knowledge for their own benefit or just give you an odd stare.Sometimes the closest of people don't know how to react and that make me more exasperated.
Much later in life as I reach middle age, I began to see the benefits of walking. When I was troubled, I would think things out with myself and I found walking very refreshing. I would just walk and walk and walk in the out door garden near my house. The trouble will become clearer and the 'worry' energy is channelled out. Maybe stress was reduced too.
Today, I use a combination of writing, physical workout, TV and just being in solitude when I am troubled. I find all these therapeutic. I seldom talked it out but I prayed a lot. So I guess I only talk with Him.
As I enter into the next phase of life and towards my end, will I stay quiet and walk into the sunset?
This went on into my teens. Then TV came into being.(Rather when my family could afford a TV) I would use it to numb myself and forget about my troubles. I still remembered when I was offered a place in the Technical College after my Form 3, I couldn't decide whether to accept it or not. My parents wanted me there but my brother who was from there did not want me there. I have no idea why though. My dad took me there to see the place hoping that it would prompt me to say yes. The only guy I met there did not see why a girl would want to be there. In short I was so undecided so I just sat in front of the TV and numb myself with the shows. I remembered my dad was so mad with me assuming I just didn't bother to care or think.
Later in life, when I missed my dad after his death, I used to write a lot. Poems, letters to him or just words depicting my thoughts and feelings. Of course, they had no readers.
When trouble brew in my twenties, I continue to write.
After I got married, I guess I had no time to be troubled because, the job was challenging and being a wife and mother did not give one much time to even stop and think; what more feel.
In between, the saddest part of my life in my thirties was when I lost my mother.I won't say we were the best of pals or that we had the loveliest of relationship but her death affected me a lot. She was very important to me and in a way, I was deeply affected by her feelings, and her very existence. In short, e were close. After her funeral, I used to just sit down and let my tears roll for a long time without crying or sobbing out loud.
Later on I would learn to talk my feelings out with others but looking back, I wonder if it was wise.You will never know how so called friends could use certain knowledge for their own benefit or just give you an odd stare.Sometimes the closest of people don't know how to react and that make me more exasperated.
Much later in life as I reach middle age, I began to see the benefits of walking. When I was troubled, I would think things out with myself and I found walking very refreshing. I would just walk and walk and walk in the out door garden near my house. The trouble will become clearer and the 'worry' energy is channelled out. Maybe stress was reduced too.
Today, I use a combination of writing, physical workout, TV and just being in solitude when I am troubled. I find all these therapeutic. I seldom talked it out but I prayed a lot. So I guess I only talk with Him.
As I enter into the next phase of life and towards my end, will I stay quiet and walk into the sunset?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
From the heart
We hear so often that we should love and care, be thoughtful, empathise etc etc.from church, from leaders and from practically everybody who thinks they can advice. I agree. The world needs more of that.
They also go one step further to tell you how to care , how to show that you love and the steps to take to show that you are a friend again etc etc. Yes, I also agree.
But hardly do I hear of someone telling one very important fact if not the most important point. That is...
to love and care sincerely from the heart.
All that we can do can be done because we should and we must. Maybe because of the role we play. Maybe we are parents. Christians, role models, friends and leaders.
But if it not done right ultimately I feel it negates things and even worsen the relationship when it is not done from the heart. Nothing irritates me more than a weak handshake and a quick glance as I pass by. It makes me feel as if I was just in the way of their duty. I rather just go without the handshake just not to receive the vibes. If we do care, do take a few seconds more to look at me in the eyes and give me a smile from the heart that says I truly am glad to see you. Sorry to say that I feel that at a place that I go every week. (Don't get me wrong, not that it only happens there BUT rather that is the place where I interact most with other people as I am now a retiree) I would rather they give me a smile, look at me at the eyes and maybe a nod.A weak handshake gives me the message' OK so you are here, now go so that I can say hi to the next guy' .It doesn't give the warmth that it was meant to be and maybe that is where it has failed.It was meant to make others feel welcome but if it is not done well, it will negates everything else. Making someone feel welcome is not the words 'welcome' and words like 'sorry if I didn't show or do it' has lost it purpose because it is already done, like it or mean it or not.
I feel so sad that those involved just do not understand that when one truly feels and care and love, one do not really need the steps or ways to show it. Your body language, your very action shows it. You will emits the feelings and the vibes. I was never thought to love and care but I am sure my students and friends knew that I do.
Bottom line is when you want to love, sincerely love and care otherwise the recipient will know.Otherwise please do not try to care and love. It emits an uncomfortable aura.
I guess I am lucky that I need not pretend but then I have never wanted or need to pretend. I always avoid people I don't particularly feel 'loving' to. And then again others may view that as my negative point and that was my downfall 5 years ago. That was when I allowed politics to take over my career and cut it short.But then again I say, I had no regrets.
My God love first and I pray that more (including myself) could grow to be more like Him
They also go one step further to tell you how to care , how to show that you love and the steps to take to show that you are a friend again etc etc. Yes, I also agree.
But hardly do I hear of someone telling one very important fact if not the most important point. That is...
to love and care sincerely from the heart.
All that we can do can be done because we should and we must. Maybe because of the role we play. Maybe we are parents. Christians, role models, friends and leaders.
But if it not done right ultimately I feel it negates things and even worsen the relationship when it is not done from the heart. Nothing irritates me more than a weak handshake and a quick glance as I pass by. It makes me feel as if I was just in the way of their duty. I rather just go without the handshake just not to receive the vibes. If we do care, do take a few seconds more to look at me in the eyes and give me a smile from the heart that says I truly am glad to see you. Sorry to say that I feel that at a place that I go every week. (Don't get me wrong, not that it only happens there BUT rather that is the place where I interact most with other people as I am now a retiree) I would rather they give me a smile, look at me at the eyes and maybe a nod.A weak handshake gives me the message' OK so you are here, now go so that I can say hi to the next guy' .It doesn't give the warmth that it was meant to be and maybe that is where it has failed.It was meant to make others feel welcome but if it is not done well, it will negates everything else. Making someone feel welcome is not the words 'welcome' and words like 'sorry if I didn't show or do it' has lost it purpose because it is already done, like it or mean it or not.
I feel so sad that those involved just do not understand that when one truly feels and care and love, one do not really need the steps or ways to show it. Your body language, your very action shows it. You will emits the feelings and the vibes. I was never thought to love and care but I am sure my students and friends knew that I do.
Bottom line is when you want to love, sincerely love and care otherwise the recipient will know.Otherwise please do not try to care and love. It emits an uncomfortable aura.
I guess I am lucky that I need not pretend but then I have never wanted or need to pretend. I always avoid people I don't particularly feel 'loving' to. And then again others may view that as my negative point and that was my downfall 5 years ago. That was when I allowed politics to take over my career and cut it short.But then again I say, I had no regrets.
My God love first and I pray that more (including myself) could grow to be more like Him
Monday, December 19, 2011
Talking
Talking about people, talking about events and talking about ideas.
Well the saying goes about the different minds doing different things. Naturally it can be seen that people and events takes popularity.That is all the newspaper do and that is most popular at social networks. It has been said and I have seen the proof that the best way to get someone to talk is to ask about themselves.It may be due to ego or maybe it is the topic most familiar but the fact is it get the conversation going.
The upper class of people is suppose to talk about ideas and it is suppose to put them higher up the ladder. Definitely so brain wise but are they better? Is the cleverer better? Does the more intellectual belongs to an elite group? Should we all aim for that?
Or
Is simplicity a sign of peace and mere serenity? In many occasions, they don't seem to feel a lacking and what you don't see as lacking, you never miss it.Having said that what about those who are mentally challenged. Are they happier? Do we want to be like that?
What is child-like innocence? What is childish innocence?
Well the saying goes about the different minds doing different things. Naturally it can be seen that people and events takes popularity.That is all the newspaper do and that is most popular at social networks. It has been said and I have seen the proof that the best way to get someone to talk is to ask about themselves.It may be due to ego or maybe it is the topic most familiar but the fact is it get the conversation going.
The upper class of people is suppose to talk about ideas and it is suppose to put them higher up the ladder. Definitely so brain wise but are they better? Is the cleverer better? Does the more intellectual belongs to an elite group? Should we all aim for that?
Or
Is simplicity a sign of peace and mere serenity? In many occasions, they don't seem to feel a lacking and what you don't see as lacking, you never miss it.Having said that what about those who are mentally challenged. Are they happier? Do we want to be like that?
What is child-like innocence? What is childish innocence?
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Looking Forward
With all that went on for the year, there are things that I had to postpone or put aside.With the arrival of 2012, I look forward to going back to some of these things and also pick up a few along the way
My reading has definitely been put aside. Unfortunately hubby is not as much into this as I am. The home library is set up and the public library has so many new books. Maybe I could get him into reading magazines for a start especially on food and garden. As for myself my reading list will definitely includes a deeper understanding into my faith.
I want to test out more recipes and get into the adventure of cooking.This I know he would enjoy as he enjoys cooking for the family.
I have never like gardening though I love greenery and flowers. But I would like to pick it up and see how far I could go.For a starter I should try to maintain what the gardener has done and then go from there.
I have been blessed with a good wide circle of friends. It is time I should plan out a better timetable to meet up and just enjoy their company.
Lastly, travelling has been at the back of our heads now that the house is done up.I pray that good health will allow me to do so .
As we travel and move around, I hope to enhance the aesthetic part of our abode with our shopping.
Not much the list but not little too. We will see.
My reading has definitely been put aside. Unfortunately hubby is not as much into this as I am. The home library is set up and the public library has so many new books. Maybe I could get him into reading magazines for a start especially on food and garden. As for myself my reading list will definitely includes a deeper understanding into my faith.
I want to test out more recipes and get into the adventure of cooking.This I know he would enjoy as he enjoys cooking for the family.
I have never like gardening though I love greenery and flowers. But I would like to pick it up and see how far I could go.For a starter I should try to maintain what the gardener has done and then go from there.
I have been blessed with a good wide circle of friends. It is time I should plan out a better timetable to meet up and just enjoy their company.
Lastly, travelling has been at the back of our heads now that the house is done up.I pray that good health will allow me to do so .
As we travel and move around, I hope to enhance the aesthetic part of our abode with our shopping.
Not much the list but not little too. We will see.
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is at different time to different people. To me I would say this is a good time as the end of the calender year of 2011 approaches.
After I rededicate myself to the Lord, my view changes too.I learn to be more deeply appreciative towards the same things. After serious illnesses, I am grateful I could stand up and lead a normal life and look after myself. After a series of problems with the dentists, I thank Him every morning as I brush my teeth that they are all in tact and I could chew. Looking at landslides and floods, I am grateful that my house is intact. Reading the news about the young people today, I am so ever proud of my three children.
This year has been a year of happenings
Daddy stopped work,
for the first time, Audrey wasn't home with us at Chinese New Year,
House was totally renovated,
Edmund graduated from medical school
Popo passed away
We venture into the financial world to give us a new interest
I had a chance to see many people with a different view.
We moved into an apartment for 6 months giving me a total new experience
With the house done up to what we wanted, hubby and me are enjoying every part of it. It is no grand mansion but it has a patio for us to enjoy our simple meals together, a big enough TV to watch the astro programme as we relax, a kitchen comfortable for us to bake, cook for our children and all we love, air condition if we ever feel the discomfort, a cosy room as we retire into the night. Yes this home that the Lord gave us is definitely our paradise.PTL
W have finance enough to sustain our prudent expenditure. With the little investment adventure we have in one commodity business, it keeps us alert, active and supply a small income.
We boast of no great material gain nor any power or recognition but to us, we are already amongst the richest people. We are peaceful and we are thankful. We enjoyed the time together, all the time that we missed as we hurried through life with our career and family the last 30 years.
At last, we are learning to breathe normally again with His grace.
Of course there are things that I see and are unhappy about. But I have learn to worry less, let go and trust.I know not how long more all these blessings will last or when He will decide for me to move on (OK I agree I am paranoid about death but I have accepted it as something that will come) but I am at peace.
Other things that saddens me are when my loved ones are hurt,injustice being done, hatred and jeolousy prevailed and saying goodbye to mu little gil as she leav for Glasgow pricks me deep. But all things come to pass.I learn to pray even harder and to pray more frequently to overcome these.
I also saw that even as time goes by, even decades, people character do not change. Physically they may have changed so much that we can't recognise them, but underneath all the, people are still the same.Sometimes I even detect feelings and way of thoughts that are so steadfast. There were things I forgot about people but the minute we interact, all memories come back.
After I rededicate myself to the Lord, my view changes too.I learn to be more deeply appreciative towards the same things. After serious illnesses, I am grateful I could stand up and lead a normal life and look after myself. After a series of problems with the dentists, I thank Him every morning as I brush my teeth that they are all in tact and I could chew. Looking at landslides and floods, I am grateful that my house is intact. Reading the news about the young people today, I am so ever proud of my three children.
This year has been a year of happenings
Daddy stopped work,
for the first time, Audrey wasn't home with us at Chinese New Year,
House was totally renovated,
Edmund graduated from medical school
Popo passed away
We venture into the financial world to give us a new interest
I had a chance to see many people with a different view.
We moved into an apartment for 6 months giving me a total new experience
With the house done up to what we wanted, hubby and me are enjoying every part of it. It is no grand mansion but it has a patio for us to enjoy our simple meals together, a big enough TV to watch the astro programme as we relax, a kitchen comfortable for us to bake, cook for our children and all we love, air condition if we ever feel the discomfort, a cosy room as we retire into the night. Yes this home that the Lord gave us is definitely our paradise.PTL
W have finance enough to sustain our prudent expenditure. With the little investment adventure we have in one commodity business, it keeps us alert, active and supply a small income.
We boast of no great material gain nor any power or recognition but to us, we are already amongst the richest people. We are peaceful and we are thankful. We enjoyed the time together, all the time that we missed as we hurried through life with our career and family the last 30 years.
At last, we are learning to breathe normally again with His grace.
Of course there are things that I see and are unhappy about. But I have learn to worry less, let go and trust.I know not how long more all these blessings will last or when He will decide for me to move on (OK I agree I am paranoid about death but I have accepted it as something that will come) but I am at peace.
Other things that saddens me are when my loved ones are hurt,injustice being done, hatred and jeolousy prevailed and saying goodbye to mu little gil as she leav for Glasgow pricks me deep. But all things come to pass.I learn to pray even harder and to pray more frequently to overcome these.
I also saw that even as time goes by, even decades, people character do not change. Physically they may have changed so much that we can't recognise them, but underneath all the, people are still the same.Sometimes I even detect feelings and way of thoughts that are so steadfast. There were things I forgot about people but the minute we interact, all memories come back.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The stillness of the night
There are many things I enjoyed as I retire. One of them is the slowing down of the pace of life thus allowing me to
sit and reflect,
see and react,
be still and praise ,
feel thankful for the many things in life
And of the beauty of writing a blog is that I can just let my feelings flow. with no need to plan the sequence and check the presentation. Oh the freedom of stress to write it well. :)
The last 2 months have been a series of meeting up with old friends, renewing friendship thus recalling memories, observing and reflecting. It brought about a whole new lot of thoughts as suddenly, I am opened to so many lives, observing lives over a span of 30 to 40 years,
Then I began to feel more thankful and grateful for the things I am given. A good life, a roof over my head, food on my table, a loving husband, good children, a life free from serious illnesses. More important an ability to love others and to feel loved by family, friends, acquaintances and more important by Him. Without my God, how could all these be possible.
I begin to truly realise what is meant by His will, not mine. I truly see what it meant by going with what He has planned. He has trully planned our lives even as we were formed in the womb. I realied once again why He say to just love as I see what it brings. The life He gave us on earth is so temporary and so ever short but He has already given me so very much. Once again we should not waste precious time to hate, to harbour bad thoughts , jealousy, bitterness, anger. Why do we waste so much time giving up all the good things He has given us to chase for things like power, recognition and material gain We do our part, and let Him do the rest. If power, material and recognition is meant for us, it will be there by His will.
I enjoy the chance to wake up in the stillness of the night, praise Him and reflect. It is something magical about listening to the quietness, not worrying about getting enough rest so that I could rush off the next morning, to just spend time with Him. Many mornings, I wanted toget up and pen my thoughts but just does not want to leave His cosiness. Sadly the many thoughts lost their ways once the briskness of the morning sets in.(ha ha ha even this morning, I have to overcome the sighing of my lovely husband) This is another of His gifts to me in my 50s. He gave me strength and health to go on with my hectic life the last 40 years and now He gave me mere ability to sit, ponder and enjoy His presence .
I lost my Alumni member card( I idid not even realised it), a kind and lovely soul found it and returned it to the Alumni office. The office took the trouble to keep it and send it together with my yearly report. To them whom I will never know who they are, God bless you.
And now to receive the breaking of my magical stillness and go into the awakened world around me. Good morning to all.
sit and reflect,
see and react,
be still and praise ,
feel thankful for the many things in life
And of the beauty of writing a blog is that I can just let my feelings flow. with no need to plan the sequence and check the presentation. Oh the freedom of stress to write it well. :)
The last 2 months have been a series of meeting up with old friends, renewing friendship thus recalling memories, observing and reflecting. It brought about a whole new lot of thoughts as suddenly, I am opened to so many lives, observing lives over a span of 30 to 40 years,
Then I began to feel more thankful and grateful for the things I am given. A good life, a roof over my head, food on my table, a loving husband, good children, a life free from serious illnesses. More important an ability to love others and to feel loved by family, friends, acquaintances and more important by Him. Without my God, how could all these be possible.
I begin to truly realise what is meant by His will, not mine. I truly see what it meant by going with what He has planned. He has trully planned our lives even as we were formed in the womb. I realied once again why He say to just love as I see what it brings. The life He gave us on earth is so temporary and so ever short but He has already given me so very much. Once again we should not waste precious time to hate, to harbour bad thoughts , jealousy, bitterness, anger. Why do we waste so much time giving up all the good things He has given us to chase for things like power, recognition and material gain We do our part, and let Him do the rest. If power, material and recognition is meant for us, it will be there by His will.
I enjoy the chance to wake up in the stillness of the night, praise Him and reflect. It is something magical about listening to the quietness, not worrying about getting enough rest so that I could rush off the next morning, to just spend time with Him. Many mornings, I wanted toget up and pen my thoughts but just does not want to leave His cosiness. Sadly the many thoughts lost their ways once the briskness of the morning sets in.(ha ha ha even this morning, I have to overcome the sighing of my lovely husband) This is another of His gifts to me in my 50s. He gave me strength and health to go on with my hectic life the last 40 years and now He gave me mere ability to sit, ponder and enjoy His presence .
I lost my Alumni member card( I idid not even realised it), a kind and lovely soul found it and returned it to the Alumni office. The office took the trouble to keep it and send it together with my yearly report. To them whom I will never know who they are, God bless you.
And now to receive the breaking of my magical stillness and go into the awakened world around me. Good morning to all.
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