Thanking God for the following blessings this weekend
Au did OK in her IELTS. Now to wait for the results. She is coping much better than expected about E's leaving.
A has been making a strong effort to be with the family more. He is also trying to help out as much as he could.
E is settling in well with his friends. Though he couldn't be with his housemates in his surgery group, he has a good mate and has found new friends. On the other hand I guess everyone should know the batch's assistant rep wouldn't they?
E came back last weekend and during the 40 odd hours home everyone was trying to do the maximum. I was trying to get his nutrition in place, daddy try to get the family together for a meal, (everybody was having so much to do) A went down town to get his books and choose a printer for him.Au was maximising manja time while preparing for her exam. E himself was rattling off like a bullet train trying to update us on all his activities, academic needs, projects, etc etc. and before we know it, we need to prepare him for his trip down to S'ban again and his first week of lectures. All in all it was like a mini hurricane passing through the weekend.
All these I feel is because basically the family is closely knitted. The children share their thoughts, fears, feelings and concern with us and their siblings.The only feelings we keep to ourselves are those we think will hurt others. Having such a family is another blessing from above.
We thank Thee for being here with us and may you keep an eye out for all of us as we all go our separate ways for the week.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Back on Track
Now that E has started, slowly I am picking up the pieces and getting back to routine.
Been neglecting the mail both virtual and real for about 2 weeks. Finally cleared my table and inbox today.Next to clear the children's table and cupboard especially E's 'leftovers'.
The neck and shoulder has been hurting and had no time to look into it. Need to start on some stretching and maybe back to my morning walks.I took 3 days to recover from the muscle ache after the room painting project in S'ban! This is bad.
Au is doing her English workshop and is starting her preparations for SAM in November. Need to give her some time and look into her tertiary education. Not that we haven't been doing anything. Guess she is pretty sure of Pharmacy. Now left to see which U to put her into. Australia means she leave next February which means another round of physical and emotional runabout. If she ends up in IMU, she will have a 9 months break in 2 years time before leaving for UK. Nottingham and SEGI means 9 months break next year. Decisions decisions decisions. Maybe should let time tells.
Ad is ever so active in church irregardless what happens at home. 5 years time and I will say if it is a blessing or an agony.
Had a ton of books which I had put aside. Started picking up last night (need to get back to my sleeping routine!) My projects including handicraft should start soon. My gosh, I wanted to start 14 months ago and I haven't found my sewing machine yet Help! Someone show me how to get one!
Of course tuition is still on going. It might be a good idea to go into individual home tuition next year but then I will need the car, Well, we'll see when the time comes.Who knows I may find a companion to do other things like learn to lepak and go shopping or maybe daddy may quit and we go travelling. Sure is windy when one is dreaming in the air!!! Phew.
Been neglecting the mail both virtual and real for about 2 weeks. Finally cleared my table and inbox today.Next to clear the children's table and cupboard especially E's 'leftovers'.
The neck and shoulder has been hurting and had no time to look into it. Need to start on some stretching and maybe back to my morning walks.I took 3 days to recover from the muscle ache after the room painting project in S'ban! This is bad.
Au is doing her English workshop and is starting her preparations for SAM in November. Need to give her some time and look into her tertiary education. Not that we haven't been doing anything. Guess she is pretty sure of Pharmacy. Now left to see which U to put her into. Australia means she leave next February which means another round of physical and emotional runabout. If she ends up in IMU, she will have a 9 months break in 2 years time before leaving for UK. Nottingham and SEGI means 9 months break next year. Decisions decisions decisions. Maybe should let time tells.
Ad is ever so active in church irregardless what happens at home. 5 years time and I will say if it is a blessing or an agony.
Had a ton of books which I had put aside. Started picking up last night (need to get back to my sleeping routine!) My projects including handicraft should start soon. My gosh, I wanted to start 14 months ago and I haven't found my sewing machine yet Help! Someone show me how to get one!
Of course tuition is still on going. It might be a good idea to go into individual home tuition next year but then I will need the car, Well, we'll see when the time comes.Who knows I may find a companion to do other things like learn to lepak and go shopping or maybe daddy may quit and we go travelling. Sure is windy when one is dreaming in the air!!! Phew.
Monday, September 1, 2008
feelings of a Mother
Finally the day is here. the day E will leave for S'ban to further his studies. Yes he is only an hour drive away. Yes, he is only one phone call away. Yes, he is with good friends and has everything prepared for him the best we know how. Yes he is the second child of mine that is leaving the nest officially. But how does a mother feel? All that was mentioned is of no relevance. He is still and will always be my baby. He will always be my little baby that sat on the potty pot and not make a noise until someone is free to attend to him. He will not be within my arm's reach. I won't be able to walk to the study room to kiss him goodnight physically. I won't be able to hug him anytime I want. I won't see him on the dining table every night.
When A left for UK 5 years ago, close friends and my sister told me that whatever happened, I must be strong at the airport and not shed a single tear. I mustn't let him leave with unnecessary worries. This time round, I need to be strong for Au's sake. She is especially attached to E and I know it will be hard for her. It is just as hard for me but again I must be strong.
5 years ago, the pain was so internalised that I can't find the words to describe it. I remember feeling as if a limb of mine was torn off me and I can't scream. Now it is more an active acceptance of the realities that is a start for more to come. You know that 2 years down the line he is moving even further. When he graduate, he will be posted away from home and encounter more hardship during his housemanship. It will be of the slimmest chance that he will be next to me all the time. So how do I feel? it is a mixture of, sadness, happiness, worry, acceptance, blessed amongst others. My son is finally grown up and E is going through a period of independence and maturity. He is much better prepared than most others physically and emotionally. I will block away negative thoughts and concentrate on the positive.It is a pathway all mothers need to undergo and just as he need to grow, I need to let go.He will meet with a lot of obstacles as he walk the path and I need to let him clear the route himself. I will be there at anytime he calls out and I will assist without retarding him. Lastly, I will say my silent prayers to Him to keep a lookout for my son which just as much His son.
I need to go back to normal life giving time to my books, my interests and the rest of the family. I will also spend time to see what others things I need to do to help him through this journey of life. It will be difficult and painful and I may never recover fully from it but I will certainly try for my sake as well as E's and Au's sake.
All these are the feelings of a mother.
When A left for UK 5 years ago, close friends and my sister told me that whatever happened, I must be strong at the airport and not shed a single tear. I mustn't let him leave with unnecessary worries. This time round, I need to be strong for Au's sake. She is especially attached to E and I know it will be hard for her. It is just as hard for me but again I must be strong.
5 years ago, the pain was so internalised that I can't find the words to describe it. I remember feeling as if a limb of mine was torn off me and I can't scream. Now it is more an active acceptance of the realities that is a start for more to come. You know that 2 years down the line he is moving even further. When he graduate, he will be posted away from home and encounter more hardship during his housemanship. It will be of the slimmest chance that he will be next to me all the time. So how do I feel? it is a mixture of, sadness, happiness, worry, acceptance, blessed amongst others. My son is finally grown up and E is going through a period of independence and maturity. He is much better prepared than most others physically and emotionally. I will block away negative thoughts and concentrate on the positive.It is a pathway all mothers need to undergo and just as he need to grow, I need to let go.He will meet with a lot of obstacles as he walk the path and I need to let him clear the route himself. I will be there at anytime he calls out and I will assist without retarding him. Lastly, I will say my silent prayers to Him to keep a lookout for my son which just as much His son.
I need to go back to normal life giving time to my books, my interests and the rest of the family. I will also spend time to see what others things I need to do to help him through this journey of life. It will be difficult and painful and I may never recover fully from it but I will certainly try for my sake as well as E's and Au's sake.
All these are the feelings of a mother.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Time Together
Last weekend has been meaningful. Daddy and A took Monday off and together the family has an outing.Everyone slept in and this is especially so for me and dad cuz we hardly does that. Woke up at 10 and sat down to decide the day's programme.
With the help of A's navigation and E's guide to the food stations, we decided on The Curve. What a difference from those days of going to gardens and parks with prepacked picnics and playground.
We ended up at House of Pancake for brunch which came up to RM150.It was a new idea having savoury and sweet pancakes and at such a price for breakfast! But I guess we would have spend more for a buffet breakfast in a hotel if we were on outstation.
The boys took us walking and I was confused where we were. It started off as the Curve, then Ikano and then Ikea. I decided to just follow them and not let them jab me about being old and dazed. We tried to look at the different microwave and conventional ovens and finally decided on a microwave one which we will buy later at OKR.
At Ikea we finally found the bedroom slippers we wanted for E in S'ban His room down there is marbled floored. Anyway that was Au's belated birthday present for him. Ended the walk to Ikea with Swedish meatballs and light lunch (all were still full from breakfast 3 hours ago) courtesy of A.By then Au was tired and we decided to just sit down for a while.
Next stop was Borders where the 2 younger ones got themselves 2 books with E's credit card. He loves to be able to sign but not pay!!
Back to cinepleasure for Wall-e. Everybody was happy; some for the show while others for the opportunity to sit for 2 hours.
Ended the day with dinner at the Walk.Decided it is a good place for the next family celebration.
The outing was the first we take to replace an outstation trip as a family get together. We all know that these time of outing will be few and far between from now on. As it is, we already feel the strain as A can't join us for many things due to his church commitments. This is so for our trip out on Saturday and Sunday before this. With E going off end of the month, his time for us will be reduced too. What more with his busy schedule. Next year Au will be going to Uni and we are not even sure whether she will be in M'sia after February. It is with a tinge of sadness that the young ones need to fly out of the nest. Soon there will be addition to the family even if they came back who may or may not understand the the family jokes and jest. That is inevitable. For the time being, we just say our thanks for the time together teasing, chatting laughing and just being together
With the help of A's navigation and E's guide to the food stations, we decided on The Curve. What a difference from those days of going to gardens and parks with prepacked picnics and playground.
We ended up at House of Pancake for brunch which came up to RM150.It was a new idea having savoury and sweet pancakes and at such a price for breakfast! But I guess we would have spend more for a buffet breakfast in a hotel if we were on outstation.
The boys took us walking and I was confused where we were. It started off as the Curve, then Ikano and then Ikea. I decided to just follow them and not let them jab me about being old and dazed. We tried to look at the different microwave and conventional ovens and finally decided on a microwave one which we will buy later at OKR.
At Ikea we finally found the bedroom slippers we wanted for E in S'ban His room down there is marbled floored. Anyway that was Au's belated birthday present for him. Ended the walk to Ikea with Swedish meatballs and light lunch (all were still full from breakfast 3 hours ago) courtesy of A.By then Au was tired and we decided to just sit down for a while.
Next stop was Borders where the 2 younger ones got themselves 2 books with E's credit card. He loves to be able to sign but not pay!!
Back to cinepleasure for Wall-e. Everybody was happy; some for the show while others for the opportunity to sit for 2 hours.
Ended the day with dinner at the Walk.Decided it is a good place for the next family celebration.
The outing was the first we take to replace an outstation trip as a family get together. We all know that these time of outing will be few and far between from now on. As it is, we already feel the strain as A can't join us for many things due to his church commitments. This is so for our trip out on Saturday and Sunday before this. With E going off end of the month, his time for us will be reduced too. What more with his busy schedule. Next year Au will be going to Uni and we are not even sure whether she will be in M'sia after February. It is with a tinge of sadness that the young ones need to fly out of the nest. Soon there will be addition to the family even if they came back who may or may not understand the the family jokes and jest. That is inevitable. For the time being, we just say our thanks for the time together teasing, chatting laughing and just being together
Sunday, August 17, 2008
A Sea of Feelings
As the end of the month draws in, I am undergoing a variety of feelings. Sad, happy, relieve, worry, reluctance , giving up,etc.
E will be moving off to to continue his studies. Unlike A he is much nearer and the family will be seeing him much more often. Unlike A he is older and in many ways much more matured and responsible. Unlike A, he is moving in with a group of friends close to him going through the process together. He is also less expressive, keeping a lot of thoughts to himself but not necessarily having less. But what is the difference to a mum? Still a son who is moving on with his life. Another phase where a mum wants to hold on tight to his hand but knows that one shouldn't and mustn't.
A feeling of relieve that one's son is growing up fine and approaching adulthood. A feeling that one more baby is ready to leave the nest. One then wonder if one has done the job well and prepared him for this next part of his journey. Have one done all there is to do? What if one hasn't? What is the next step? Let go and hope for the best? Hold on tight and not let go till one is 100%sure? Will that ever happen? Is these all the imagination of a mother? Is it normal and occur to all mums? Am I more a burden than a help with all these emotions?
His course is not one that he will sail through with minimal effort? Will the distance from home hinder him? What need to be done?
But is having a child within physical reach a solution? One may be near but if the heart is away and can't be reached, accepting the fact is another lesson a mum has to learn. Not an easy one but no doubt one that has to be learned.
During the time of planning, think hard to make sure that all is done to the best. Sit still a while then the emotions settle in in.Looking at a table of dinner with one child less in a moment when soon it will has to be so more often, wondering why the other is choosing not to be there. The occasions to be together as a whole is going to be less and his choices to be away will no doubt hasten the process. Is it fair to expect otherwise from him? Am I asking for too much? Should I just let go? Most probably the answer is yes if a survey is done. Will that make it any easier?
A nostalgic feeling that need to be punctuated with practicality and reality. An emotional time that needs to be awaken with a approach of acceptance. Appreciate what is there and enjoy every moment there is.Push aside all that is negative and re enforce whatever that is positive. What a sea of feelings!Another phase of motherhood. Another phase of life.
E will be moving off to to continue his studies. Unlike A he is much nearer and the family will be seeing him much more often. Unlike A he is older and in many ways much more matured and responsible. Unlike A, he is moving in with a group of friends close to him going through the process together. He is also less expressive, keeping a lot of thoughts to himself but not necessarily having less. But what is the difference to a mum? Still a son who is moving on with his life. Another phase where a mum wants to hold on tight to his hand but knows that one shouldn't and mustn't.
A feeling of relieve that one's son is growing up fine and approaching adulthood. A feeling that one more baby is ready to leave the nest. One then wonder if one has done the job well and prepared him for this next part of his journey. Have one done all there is to do? What if one hasn't? What is the next step? Let go and hope for the best? Hold on tight and not let go till one is 100%sure? Will that ever happen? Is these all the imagination of a mother? Is it normal and occur to all mums? Am I more a burden than a help with all these emotions?
His course is not one that he will sail through with minimal effort? Will the distance from home hinder him? What need to be done?
But is having a child within physical reach a solution? One may be near but if the heart is away and can't be reached, accepting the fact is another lesson a mum has to learn. Not an easy one but no doubt one that has to be learned.
During the time of planning, think hard to make sure that all is done to the best. Sit still a while then the emotions settle in in.Looking at a table of dinner with one child less in a moment when soon it will has to be so more often, wondering why the other is choosing not to be there. The occasions to be together as a whole is going to be less and his choices to be away will no doubt hasten the process. Is it fair to expect otherwise from him? Am I asking for too much? Should I just let go? Most probably the answer is yes if a survey is done. Will that make it any easier?
A nostalgic feeling that need to be punctuated with practicality and reality. An emotional time that needs to be awaken with a approach of acceptance. Appreciate what is there and enjoy every moment there is.Push aside all that is negative and re enforce whatever that is positive. What a sea of feelings!Another phase of motherhood. Another phase of life.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Loving What You Do
Was on the mail with a close friend who is better than me in that she is still 'surviving' in the service.
Sad thing is that she is feeling tired and is wondering what her next step should be. This got me thinking on the paradox-like situation. She who is dedicated is tired and needed the rest. But if she rest, it is a lost to others.
She who view the profession as a form of passing time will never be tired. She in turn will stay on and on but with no passion for the job.The clients in turn will not receive what is due to them.
If I had been able to let go and just sit it out like my 'superior' at PPD advised, wouldn't I be still in the service?. Wouldn't I have benefited from the extra income?
But then will that be me? No.If I couldn't even take my medical leave and recover, how could I sit in the chair and do the minimum.
Bottom line is ..... we do what we feel we need to do. As I always tell the children, there can never be a right or wrong decision. We can never run our life twice parallel with that one different decision so how are we to know if the particular decision is right or wrong.
More important is before making a decision,we should consider as many aspect as we can and choose the path we think is best. Once decided ,never look back. Look only forward and take the next possible positive action.
Unconsciously, I have always subscribe to this. That is why from young, whenever I was asked if I have any regrets the answer is always in the negative. Over love, over family, over my career and my actions. I believe in loving all you can, giving my best, working out every obstacles the best way I could find and more importantly, never expecting returns.They will come if it is to be.Otherwise, happiness should be just doing it. If along the way we could help others, all is well. If we can't help others, at least try not to hurt others. ( at the same tone, I would also declare that I for one will not insist if others resist.That means never say no to me . I will not extend the hand again. Is that bad? well................................ I don't know but for the time being that is me!)
ps ST ,everything will be OK. There is no wrong decision . Will stand by you whatever you do. love
Sad thing is that she is feeling tired and is wondering what her next step should be. This got me thinking on the paradox-like situation. She who is dedicated is tired and needed the rest. But if she rest, it is a lost to others.
She who view the profession as a form of passing time will never be tired. She in turn will stay on and on but with no passion for the job.The clients in turn will not receive what is due to them.
If I had been able to let go and just sit it out like my 'superior' at PPD advised, wouldn't I be still in the service?. Wouldn't I have benefited from the extra income?
But then will that be me? No.If I couldn't even take my medical leave and recover, how could I sit in the chair and do the minimum.
Bottom line is ..... we do what we feel we need to do. As I always tell the children, there can never be a right or wrong decision. We can never run our life twice parallel with that one different decision so how are we to know if the particular decision is right or wrong.
More important is before making a decision,we should consider as many aspect as we can and choose the path we think is best. Once decided ,never look back. Look only forward and take the next possible positive action.
Unconsciously, I have always subscribe to this. That is why from young, whenever I was asked if I have any regrets the answer is always in the negative. Over love, over family, over my career and my actions. I believe in loving all you can, giving my best, working out every obstacles the best way I could find and more importantly, never expecting returns.They will come if it is to be.Otherwise, happiness should be just doing it. If along the way we could help others, all is well. If we can't help others, at least try not to hurt others. ( at the same tone, I would also declare that I for one will not insist if others resist.That means never say no to me . I will not extend the hand again. Is that bad? well................................ I don't know but for the time being that is me!)
ps ST ,everything will be OK. There is no wrong decision . Will stand by you whatever you do. love
Saturday, August 2, 2008
After a Love Affair Ends
So how does one suppose to feel after a wrong affair ended?
Well first of all it all depends on who and then why it ended. If you ended it, chances are you feel relieve the problem is solved. At most you pray the other party is OK by it too.
If the other party ended it, it will be a different story. It is equivalent to being told you have cancer or that you have just received the death sentence. In the same way, only those close to you or love you will feel the same way. To the rest of the world they just don't understand the fuss. Some may even think you ask for it. Feelings includes denial, cheated, unhappy, vengeful and maybe shutting oneself from everything. Eventually you accept it and start to learn to plan your next step. How long this entire process take will depend on individuals.
First the denial cuz you can accept the fact. You don't understand why it has to happen to you. You don't know why you can't have a normal life as others do. After all it wasn't much that you ask. You didn't commit in crime. you just fell in love and wanted something that everybody else is having.
Then you feel angry at the world because it is not fair. The other party did not play fair. Maybe he shouldn't have given you false hope. You were so happy. He shouldn't have allow you to think the wrong thoughts.You wish you could stab him and pain him the same way he pained you. At your sane moments, you know it is wrong to think like that. So you stop. After all you still love him and no way do you want anything unpleasant o happen to him.
You want to be alone because you want to think it out. You want to know what and why it went wrong.Were you the one to blame? When it is futile thinking, you want him to leave you alone and not be the good guy staying around looking out for you. Just in case you can't make it, he can be the hero again. But does it matter would you want him back for the wrong reason? or rather will he take pity on you and just come back. Being me. I will definitely not want him back whatever the reason may be.Though I can't say that others will agree with me.
Finally you woke up fully and accept the reality of things and that it is the end and nothing else can be done about it. Any other pain you inflict onto yourself, you are being even more silly. So you numb yourself.
You look for other avenues for your feelings and hope to be smarter the next time round but unfortunately,we are never smarter. We will repeat the same thing and walk the same path. Maybe with just the extra thought that this time it is for real but is it?
Well first of all it all depends on who and then why it ended. If you ended it, chances are you feel relieve the problem is solved. At most you pray the other party is OK by it too.
If the other party ended it, it will be a different story. It is equivalent to being told you have cancer or that you have just received the death sentence. In the same way, only those close to you or love you will feel the same way. To the rest of the world they just don't understand the fuss. Some may even think you ask for it. Feelings includes denial, cheated, unhappy, vengeful and maybe shutting oneself from everything. Eventually you accept it and start to learn to plan your next step. How long this entire process take will depend on individuals.
First the denial cuz you can accept the fact. You don't understand why it has to happen to you. You don't know why you can't have a normal life as others do. After all it wasn't much that you ask. You didn't commit in crime. you just fell in love and wanted something that everybody else is having.
Then you feel angry at the world because it is not fair. The other party did not play fair. Maybe he shouldn't have given you false hope. You were so happy. He shouldn't have allow you to think the wrong thoughts.You wish you could stab him and pain him the same way he pained you. At your sane moments, you know it is wrong to think like that. So you stop. After all you still love him and no way do you want anything unpleasant o happen to him.
You want to be alone because you want to think it out. You want to know what and why it went wrong.Were you the one to blame? When it is futile thinking, you want him to leave you alone and not be the good guy staying around looking out for you. Just in case you can't make it, he can be the hero again. But does it matter would you want him back for the wrong reason? or rather will he take pity on you and just come back. Being me. I will definitely not want him back whatever the reason may be.Though I can't say that others will agree with me.
Finally you woke up fully and accept the reality of things and that it is the end and nothing else can be done about it. Any other pain you inflict onto yourself, you are being even more silly. So you numb yourself.
You look for other avenues for your feelings and hope to be smarter the next time round but unfortunately,we are never smarter. We will repeat the same thing and walk the same path. Maybe with just the extra thought that this time it is for real but is it?
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