feelings of a Mother

Finally the day is here. the day E will leave for S'ban to further his studies. Yes he is only an hour drive away. Yes, he is only one phone call away. Yes, he is with good friends and has everything prepared for him the best we know how. Yes he is the second child of mine that is leaving the nest officially. But how does a mother feel? All that was mentioned is of no relevance. He is still and will always be my baby. He will always be my little baby that sat on the potty pot and not make a noise until someone is free to attend to him. He will not be within my arm's reach. I won't be able to walk to the study room to kiss him goodnight physically. I won't be able to hug him anytime I want. I won't see him on the dining table every night.
When A left for UK 5 years ago, close friends and my sister told me that whatever happened, I must be strong at the airport and not shed a single tear. I mustn't let him leave with unnecessary worries. This time round, I need to be strong for Au's sake. She is especially attached to E and I know it will be hard for her. It is just as hard for me but again I must be strong.
5 years ago, the pain was so internalised that I can't find the words to describe it. I remember feeling as if a limb of mine was torn off me and I can't scream. Now it is more an active acceptance of the realities that is a start for more to come. You know that 2 years down the line he is moving even further. When he graduate, he will be posted away from home and encounter more hardship during his housemanship. It will be of the slimmest chance that he will be next to me all the time. So how do I feel? it is a mixture of, sadness, happiness, worry, acceptance, blessed amongst others. My son is finally grown up and E is going through a period of independence and maturity. He is much better prepared than most others physically and emotionally. I will block away negative thoughts and concentrate on the positive.It is a pathway all mothers need to undergo and just as he need to grow, I need to let go.He will meet with a lot of obstacles as he walk the path and I need to let him clear the route himself. I will be there at anytime he calls out and I will assist without retarding him. Lastly, I will say my silent prayers to Him to keep a lookout for my son which just as much His son.
I need to go back to normal life giving time to my books, my interests and the rest of the family. I will also spend time to see what others things I need to do to help him through this journey of life. It will be difficult and painful and I may never recover fully from it but I will certainly try for my sake as well as E's and Au's sake.
All these are the feelings of a mother.