Sunday, September 27, 2015
Feeling angry
tonight feeling angry, feel like dying want to give up. Feeling lonely. I am sweating profusely as I hear he tv and snoring from next door. You wonder why you want to live. Maybe God is telling me that is why he is taking me away. So ok God do it. Take me away to heaven or to hell. It doesn't matter nothing to live for nothing I can't leave behind. Just take me. No more pain no more fear no more anything. Just take me.
Monday, September 14, 2015
i don't know
Things are moving so fast I don't know what is happening. Just as I got adjusted to the idea of my cancer, the operation is brought forward two weeks and that causes turmoil in my emotion again.
Just as I was so down, adrian held a family prayer and zest us up to a prayer of full recovery by month end. Less than 12 hours after that I had the operation brought forward. Is that gods will again what is going on. I can't comprehend. So I don't comprehend but why I feel so sad
After much discussion audrey will be coming back for month end. Now can she be back?
The operation is not the end it is just the beginning if it is gods will that I continue with the cancer. His plans is so scary and I am so disturb. I don't know if I am scared or self pity or worry for myself or Mathew or The children.
Again I remind myself to surrender to him and ask him to rebuke the cancer, heal me in Jesus name.
I find difficulty breathing and I don't know if it is due to the haze or am I getting sick and weak.
Just as I was so down, adrian held a family prayer and zest us up to a prayer of full recovery by month end. Less than 12 hours after that I had the operation brought forward. Is that gods will again what is going on. I can't comprehend. So I don't comprehend but why I feel so sad
After much discussion audrey will be coming back for month end. Now can she be back?
The operation is not the end it is just the beginning if it is gods will that I continue with the cancer. His plans is so scary and I am so disturb. I don't know if I am scared or self pity or worry for myself or Mathew or The children.
Again I remind myself to surrender to him and ask him to rebuke the cancer, heal me in Jesus name.
I find difficulty breathing and I don't know if it is due to the haze or am I getting sick and weak.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
as the hours goes by
As the hours goes by, the mind wanders. Not that I want to think but it comes by.
Maybe I shouldn't have mess with the faith.maybe I should have just stay quiet. So it might have been bad but is my life any better now? It is beginning to felt like as if I am in a cult. Caught deep in it in the web of things that can't get out.
Stronger? Better? Highly doubtful. In the first place will I be around to see any changes what else if it is good? The number of days to the start of the journey felt like the number of days a convict counts before the death sentence.
Any use? No use, can I just crawl out of this? Can I just sleep it through but then maybe I will never wake up from it all.
And in all these, those who love me most is hurt most. Those who doesn't care either rejoice or couldn't be bother. I had punish those who love me. I am sorry. I did wrong.
Maybe I shouldn't have mess with the faith.maybe I should have just stay quiet. So it might have been bad but is my life any better now? It is beginning to felt like as if I am in a cult. Caught deep in it in the web of things that can't get out.
Stronger? Better? Highly doubtful. In the first place will I be around to see any changes what else if it is good? The number of days to the start of the journey felt like the number of days a convict counts before the death sentence.
Any use? No use, can I just crawl out of this? Can I just sleep it through but then maybe I will never wake up from it all.
And in all these, those who love me most is hurt most. Those who doesn't care either rejoice or couldn't be bother. I had punish those who love me. I am sorry. I did wrong.
Non thinking
don't know what to think and who to target at. Guess just fleeting thoughts.
Am I punished? Am I challenged? Am I tested. Whatever, I am tired. It is gods will, so be it. No one can do anything about it. So be it. Do I have any choice in the first place.
Dreary life. Tired life.
Am I punished? Am I challenged? Am I tested. Whatever, I am tired. It is gods will, so be it. No one can do anything about it. So be it. Do I have any choice in the first place.
Dreary life. Tired life.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
D day
d day. Results at hand. Confirm cancer. Operation, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, hormone, . All was a chunk of words I don't know how much I herd and absorbed. lucky edmund was there. All was a blur
You just do what ever instructions they gave.
You just got waken up to what was gods will for you. What you do but accept. My world is crumpled. My faith is a blur. I find it so hard to push on. When it end how it end.
I don't question why for I accept it is his will. Full stop. Am I angry a little bit but the word is more numb than anything.
You just do what ever instructions they gave.
You just got waken up to what was gods will for you. What you do but accept. My world is crumpled. My faith is a blur. I find it so hard to push on. When it end how it end.
I don't question why for I accept it is his will. Full stop. Am I angry a little bit but the word is more numb than anything.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Tuesday 8th
Talking to audrey calmed me down. Her wish to come back to be with me was comforting. At the end, unless I need it most, I wouldn't want to disturb her. I do know the children have a life of their own and I can't expect them to run to me every time I want them. It is ok, my children. I love you all . Your thoughts and your prayers are comforting.
Some journeys have to be taken alone. This is another lesson I learn and to help me help others when all of this Is done and the lord allows me to comfort others. No family or love ones can walk through certain path with you. Love ones can get you the best doctors, doctors can be the most comforting and caring but at the ot, you are alone. It has to be your hand to be prick, it is your skin that has to be cut. The post operation pain can't be felt by anyone but you. The pain of leaving your love ones is only yours and no one earthly can go through it for you. In the deepest of thought, emotion, feelings , there is where we find God. At the operation table, he is the only one that is with. You,. At the toughest of time, and most intense of pain, only God can be thereto help me go through,he is the only one who can hold me and go through the Journey with me. Only he can be your companion and you know you are not alone.
Today I also thank the holy spiritual for truly being with me as I pray in the morning . Thank you in Jesse Name . Amen
Some journeys have to be taken alone. This is another lesson I learn and to help me help others when all of this Is done and the lord allows me to comfort others. No family or love ones can walk through certain path with you. Love ones can get you the best doctors, doctors can be the most comforting and caring but at the ot, you are alone. It has to be your hand to be prick, it is your skin that has to be cut. The post operation pain can't be felt by anyone but you. The pain of leaving your love ones is only yours and no one earthly can go through it for you. In the deepest of thought, emotion, feelings , there is where we find God. At the operation table, he is the only one that is with. You,. At the toughest of time, and most intense of pain, only God can be thereto help me go through,he is the only one who can hold me and go through the Journey with me. Only he can be your companion and you know you are not alone.
Today I also thank the holy spiritual for truly being with me as I pray in the morning . Thank you in Jesse Name . Amen
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