ttoday I had bone scan done. Also one day short of 3 weeks after the surgery
Evidence of how the supernatural wonderful God has been in my life
The Angels he send to be in my path. Khoon leong, breast clinic nurses, the lady at the pendaftaran counter, the technicians in nuclear clinic that make he encounter so comforting
How he answered prayer remove the dark shadow at the bone scan
The reduced pain post surgery at night when I prayed
The reduced pain in the teeth, the mysterious pain
The intercession at tower villa over the journey and my toothache
How the tooth ache leads to oil pulling which will improve mouth ulcer during chemotherapy
Me finding peace and letting his will be done. Either taking me home or using me,he answer with shoeing called to serve at communion, finding strength to hold the trays and collecting tithes.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Thursday, October 1, 2015
One month
In one month , my life took a turn of 180 degrees . I have been reduced to a wreck. Felt a lump, did a biopsy, confirmed cancer, did an operation. Next month sees more scans and the start of chemotherapy and radiotherapy and all other normal cancer stuff.
My body and and health took a bashing, a bashing never so hard in my life.so hard till I am not sure at all tonight that I will survived it. I really not sure.
Everyone tells me that breast cancer is not bad compare to others etc etc. but to me, the patient, it is everything . And my journey is complicated with problems in my teeth that makes it difficult to eat when I most need to take in nutrition. With that problem I mind, how am I to battle when my shield is taken away before I start.
My family is turned upside down. None complain . As a matter of fat I have their strong support. I thank god for that.
I ask God again again why, but if it is so, I need the strength. He is the only one that can heal me.
I thank friends who knew who had send messages and offers to help. I truly appreciate it but I don't know what I need except that I need God and indeed your prayers to tie me over. I need prayers to go through chemotherapy and radiotherapy with minimal side effects. And the physical and emotional strength to last the sessions through. In the meantime, I need the healing in my mouth so that I can eat with ease.
If I don't write again, thank you friends.
My body and and health took a bashing, a bashing never so hard in my life.so hard till I am not sure at all tonight that I will survived it. I really not sure.
Everyone tells me that breast cancer is not bad compare to others etc etc. but to me, the patient, it is everything . And my journey is complicated with problems in my teeth that makes it difficult to eat when I most need to take in nutrition. With that problem I mind, how am I to battle when my shield is taken away before I start.
My family is turned upside down. None complain . As a matter of fat I have their strong support. I thank god for that.
I ask God again again why, but if it is so, I need the strength. He is the only one that can heal me.
I thank friends who knew who had send messages and offers to help. I truly appreciate it but I don't know what I need except that I need God and indeed your prayers to tie me over. I need prayers to go through chemotherapy and radiotherapy with minimal side effects. And the physical and emotional strength to last the sessions through. In the meantime, I need the healing in my mouth so that I can eat with ease.
If I don't write again, thank you friends.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Feeling angry
tonight feeling angry, feel like dying want to give up. Feeling lonely. I am sweating profusely as I hear he tv and snoring from next door. You wonder why you want to live. Maybe God is telling me that is why he is taking me away. So ok God do it. Take me away to heaven or to hell. It doesn't matter nothing to live for nothing I can't leave behind. Just take me. No more pain no more fear no more anything. Just take me.
Monday, September 14, 2015
i don't know
Things are moving so fast I don't know what is happening. Just as I got adjusted to the idea of my cancer, the operation is brought forward two weeks and that causes turmoil in my emotion again.
Just as I was so down, adrian held a family prayer and zest us up to a prayer of full recovery by month end. Less than 12 hours after that I had the operation brought forward. Is that gods will again what is going on. I can't comprehend. So I don't comprehend but why I feel so sad
After much discussion audrey will be coming back for month end. Now can she be back?
The operation is not the end it is just the beginning if it is gods will that I continue with the cancer. His plans is so scary and I am so disturb. I don't know if I am scared or self pity or worry for myself or Mathew or The children.
Again I remind myself to surrender to him and ask him to rebuke the cancer, heal me in Jesus name.
I find difficulty breathing and I don't know if it is due to the haze or am I getting sick and weak.
Just as I was so down, adrian held a family prayer and zest us up to a prayer of full recovery by month end. Less than 12 hours after that I had the operation brought forward. Is that gods will again what is going on. I can't comprehend. So I don't comprehend but why I feel so sad
After much discussion audrey will be coming back for month end. Now can she be back?
The operation is not the end it is just the beginning if it is gods will that I continue with the cancer. His plans is so scary and I am so disturb. I don't know if I am scared or self pity or worry for myself or Mathew or The children.
Again I remind myself to surrender to him and ask him to rebuke the cancer, heal me in Jesus name.
I find difficulty breathing and I don't know if it is due to the haze or am I getting sick and weak.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
as the hours goes by
As the hours goes by, the mind wanders. Not that I want to think but it comes by.
Maybe I shouldn't have mess with the faith.maybe I should have just stay quiet. So it might have been bad but is my life any better now? It is beginning to felt like as if I am in a cult. Caught deep in it in the web of things that can't get out.
Stronger? Better? Highly doubtful. In the first place will I be around to see any changes what else if it is good? The number of days to the start of the journey felt like the number of days a convict counts before the death sentence.
Any use? No use, can I just crawl out of this? Can I just sleep it through but then maybe I will never wake up from it all.
And in all these, those who love me most is hurt most. Those who doesn't care either rejoice or couldn't be bother. I had punish those who love me. I am sorry. I did wrong.
Maybe I shouldn't have mess with the faith.maybe I should have just stay quiet. So it might have been bad but is my life any better now? It is beginning to felt like as if I am in a cult. Caught deep in it in the web of things that can't get out.
Stronger? Better? Highly doubtful. In the first place will I be around to see any changes what else if it is good? The number of days to the start of the journey felt like the number of days a convict counts before the death sentence.
Any use? No use, can I just crawl out of this? Can I just sleep it through but then maybe I will never wake up from it all.
And in all these, those who love me most is hurt most. Those who doesn't care either rejoice or couldn't be bother. I had punish those who love me. I am sorry. I did wrong.
Non thinking
don't know what to think and who to target at. Guess just fleeting thoughts.
Am I punished? Am I challenged? Am I tested. Whatever, I am tired. It is gods will, so be it. No one can do anything about it. So be it. Do I have any choice in the first place.
Dreary life. Tired life.
Am I punished? Am I challenged? Am I tested. Whatever, I am tired. It is gods will, so be it. No one can do anything about it. So be it. Do I have any choice in the first place.
Dreary life. Tired life.
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