I ponder

23 years ago as I gave birth to A, I nearly lost my life. My doctor sent my husband home to prepare for my funeral while I lay in coma .As I woke up from my come of 4 hours, I wanted to say thanks to the Lord and from then on I knew I was a christian. While I was in coma, hubby prayed (he accepted Christ way before that but has never preach to me) and dedicated his wife and son to the Lord.That was the simple way I came to the Lord. Time and again I dedicated A to Him.
Way before that, I believe I was meant to returned to the Lord because of 2 incidents that I could remember. One was when I applied to UM. I knew deep down that the only uni I could go to was University Malaya and the only course I wanted was the B Sc with ed. hopefully super fresh. Reason being, I have no one to depend on financially or otherwise. I figure UM is the nearest Uni to home so I could travel everyday and save on hostel( I could never afford it anyway) So it is the only uni. Next teaching because I like it. Super fresh so that my finance will be reduced by 1 year.I was self supporting with my tuition. Sister in law came in later with the fees and other siblings were off and on at their timing nothing committed, nothing steady. All in all my only steady income was my tuition.I did not know what was the Lord and the role of Jesus Christ but I just prayed. He answered my prayer and I give thanks every time for that.
Next, as a young girl, my friend and me went to see a medium before. Supposedly very accurate. anyway we went out of curiosity. She said something(I can't remember what it was ) and I said thanks to her. At that instance, she said to remember her even when I leave the faith and join the Christian faith. So I felt I was to be His in all ways.
Since accepting Christ then, I had not been attending church because of commitments to mother-in-law but I always believe my faith is with Him alone. I give my thanks and my praise and I believe He has been with me all the way through my mothers' illness and death, and as I move along in life.
Today as I stand before my own image and self, I am a very sad Christian.I see a lot of acts commit ed by so called Christians and elders that I felt so let down. At my hours of greatest need of comfort, I felt betrayed. At a time when I feel I want to devote more time to the church (as my children grows up and as I approaches retirement). I lost my total trust in people who speaks in the name of the Lord. I had been played out, lied to, cheated and destroyed financially, and phychologically by so called Christian, senior Christians and elders of church.
I see myself as His stepchild that He has to put aside while He takes care of His own children. I feel towards Him as a stepchild feels towards a step parent. I still love Him and trust Him irregardless of what He does. I do not question Him on his actions and I still hang on to the belief that He has his own reasons for doing what He did. And I still hopes that one day He could brings me in as His very own.
There is a very fine line between having blind faith and leaving it to fate. I wonder which category I falls to. When one trust that there is a reason for every action and when one has give up trying to see a reason, one's reaction is the same. Again I wonder which am I.