I ant take it anymore

i want yo die but how do you die.how to you just die fast and quick

Feeling angry

tonight feeling angry, feel like dying want to give up. Feeling lonely. I am sweating profusely as I hear he tv and snoring from next door. You wonder why you want to live. Maybe God is telling me that is why he is taking me away. So ok God do it. Take me away to heaven or to hell. It doesn't matter nothing to live for nothing I can't leave behind. Just take me. No more pain no more fear no more anything. Just take me.

i don't know

Things are moving so fast I don't know what is happening. Just as I got adjusted to the idea of my cancer, the operation is brought forward two weeks and that causes turmoil in my emotion again.
Just as I was so down, adrian held a family prayer and zest us up to a prayer of full recovery by month end. Less than 12 hours after that I had the operation brought forward. Is that gods will again what is going on. I can't comprehend. So I don't comprehend but why I feel so sad

After much discussion audrey will be coming back for month end. Now can she be back?

The operation is not the end it is just the beginning if it is gods will that I continue with the cancer. His plans is so scary and I am so disturb. I don't know if I am scared or self pity or worry for myself or Mathew or The children.
 Again I remind myself to surrender to him  and ask him to rebuke the cancer, heal me in Jesus name.

I find difficulty breathing and I don't know if it is due to the haze or am I getting sick and weak.

as the hours goes by

As the hours goes by, the mind wanders. Not that I want to think but it comes by.

Maybe I shouldn't have mess with the faith.maybe I should have just stay quiet. So it might have been bad but is my life any better now? It is beginning to felt like as if I am in a cult. Caught deep in it in the web of things that can't get out.

Stronger? Better? Highly doubtful. In the first place will I be around to see any changes what else if it is good? The number of days to the start of the journey felt like the number of days a convict counts before the death sentence.

Any use? No use, can I just crawl out of this? Can I just sleep it through but then maybe I will never wake up from it all.

And in all these, those who love me most is hurt most. Those who doesn't care either rejoice or couldn't be bother. I had punish those who love me. I am sorry. I did wrong.

Non thinking

don't know what to think and who to target at. Guess just fleeting thoughts.

Am I punished? Am I challenged? Am I tested. Whatever, I am tired. It is gods will, so be it. No one can do anything about it. So be it. Do I have any choice in the first place.

Dreary life. Tired life.

D day

d day. Results at hand. Confirm cancer. Operation, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, hormone,  . All was a chunk of words I don't know how much I herd and absorbed. lucky edmund was there. All was a blur

You just do what ever instructions they gave.

You just got waken up to what was gods will for you. What you do but accept. My world is crumpled. My faith is a blur. I find it so hard to push on. When it end how it end.

I don't question why for I accept it is his will. Full stop. Am I angry a little bit but the word is more numb than anything.

Tuesday 8th

Talking to audrey calmed me down. Her wish to come back to be with me was comforting. At the end, unless I need it most, I wouldn't want to disturb her. I do know the children have a life of their own and I can't expect them to run to me every time I want them. It is ok, my children. I love you all . Your thoughts and your prayers are comforting.

Some journeys have to be taken alone. This is another lesson I learn and to help me help others when all of this Is done and the lord allows me to comfort others. No family or love ones can walk through certain  path with you. Love ones can get you the best doctors, doctors can be the most comforting and caring but at the ot, you are alone. It has to be your hand to be prick, it is your skin that has to be cut. The post operation pain can't be felt by anyone but you. The pain of leaving your love ones is only yours and no one earthly can go through it for you. In the deepest of thought, emotion, feelings , there is where we find God. At the operation table, he is the only one that is with. You,. At the toughest of time, and most intense of pain, only God can be thereto help me go through,he is the only one who can hold me and go through the Journey with me. Only he can be your companion and you know you are not alone.

Today I also thank the holy spiritual for truly being with me as I pray in the morning . Thank you in Jesse Name . Amen

Monday 7th

yesterday was prayed for by pastor daphne yap at altar call and later chat with khoon leong. Must remember to thank them. Bless them lord. Both the things gave me momentary comfort . Adrian say at worst, just see Jesus first. That stabs

Later on at night felt the tightening of the area under the chest till morning. Didn't want to worry Matthew but in the end need to share. Prayed together and truly feel the Holy Spirit with my speaking of tongue.  God needs me to now that to reassure me he is here with me. And when I am well, I can pray for others in tongue better. Thank you Holy Spirit

Took turmeric last on Saturday took soursop, green tea and reserve. Had loose stool twice on Sunday morning. Stopped the turmeric but after soursop, was also a bit queasy so not sure what was the cause.

Two reserve a day is the objective. Took one after breakfast. Went toilet twice. Must go on to some turmeric later.

Mind is aimless and void today

Two days later

I really feel I am not ready to die.

I prayed and prayed until I am suspicious whether I am praying right or if God is hearing me. I am frightened but not sure why. The children are ok, why am I scared of dying. Maybe I just don't want to die yet. Not while I still want to spend time with my husband, cuddling up to him. Not while I feel I am just not ready. But then when is it God wait for us to say ready. He decides everything. So is he deciding that time is up for me

I am so desperate that I am trying anything that sounds right. I am taking turmeric in high dosage until I am scared I have side effects. Constipated and headache but that doesn't seem to be the side effect listed. Maybe I am not taking enough water. I took to green tea. I am taking reserve. I am taking soursop. I am desperate. And I can't says much. Matthew is scared. I can see and he doesn't want me to say anything negative.but I know he is scared so I can't say anything to scare him further. I had to put on a strong front.

The children. Edmund is concerned and try to be a tower. But I am sacred he sees so much death in his job he will be immune. Adrian knows he has to be concern but he has a world of his own. He thinks that avoiding it the thing will go away. So he has his own program me and stays away. In a way it hurts me to see him put his dead friend more important than me. But then, his world. I can't force anything out of him but it hurts and I can't say anything again to Matthew cuz he doesn't like. Me to feel sad or angry with the children. Again denial syndrome.

Audrey, I know she cares and is concern but she is so far away not much she can do but just be there with a phone besides her.

I also feel that some journeys has to be taken on my own. I can't expect anyone nor can they travel with me. I turn to God . And hold him to his world that he will not leave me nor forsake me.you will hear me in heaven when I cry out to you. That I am your child. That you will take care of me and take my worries off me. That you are in control. I believe you can heal me and I pray you will. I pray that you will be there when the lab do my test. Make the results correct and make it negative for cancer. I really want to serve you  And I have just started. Heal me, strengthen me, use me, I surrender all to you. In Jesus mighty name  I pray amen

That dreadful day

walking into ummc to seek the doctor was like a nightmare. Hearing from her that the lump was my breast was like a stub

Went straight to tdmc for the mammogram cuz I can't wait . That one hour with the radiologist being to
D that it is not good, the lump has spread to the nodes was like being slapped multiple times.

Back home, it is like the nightmare is not over. It is like as if we are talking about someone else and the lump is not mine.

Cried until my eyes can't open. So lost so lost for words