Religion

I have pondered over this question many a time. It is strictly my own assessment and not any particular religion’s philosophy so please don't come attacking me that it is wrong. It might be wrong to your faith but they are my own thoughts till I change them.
Is it a way of life and the way of thinking to help us through life? It sounds like a set of thoughts and rules to follow and to have total trust.
For me, I always believe there is a God and He is almighty. He decides and rule over all. We can plan but He decides. But I believe too that He gave us a brain so He expects us to use it too. Not only to decide His role but to be conscious of consequences and results. Some call for blind fate. It is good if one can attain it. Then all one does is sits on the train and do as one feels since He is at the wheel and He knows all. What a blissful way to live this life? But what if it has consequences on others. What if the train causes accidents and hurt others along the way. What if others you love are not on the train? Do we leave them behind if they refuse to get on? After all we are on it? Isn’t it selfish? I don’t think I can do that. I will get off the train and do what I can to help those that are not on it. It is good to find bliss for oneself but we are not solitary. There are others and if I am to attain bliss through their pain, I won't want it. No one wants Hell. I don't either but if the fare is bought by the expense of others,( believers or otherwise), I want to reconsider.
Life is a series of tests by Him. He is supposed to only give tests that we can pass. How do we explain those who fail and maybe take their own life? Maybe then we say they don't have enough fate. If that is so, then it boils down on them again and it is their own fault.So you are responsible for yourself. Then you are alone again isn’t it so?
Afterlife. This life is temporary. This I believe so. We have a number of years here only. I strongly believe I am here on borrowed time and I will leave one day decided by Him. While I am here I believe I should do the best I can with this life but not so much to be rewarded in the next life but because I believe we are all here for a purpose. So I will always go ahead and do what the inner voice says so. Be it from God, my conscience or otherwise.
Wow reading back, if I am in any specific congregation, I am sure I will be called up for counseling. ; ) ha ha ha But then I am not and I will find it difficult to associate myself to any particular ideology as long as I am not prepare to take a gamble on humans. I prefer to get my message from Him direct in this complex world.

Scenarios

• Child goes oversea to study. Towards the end of study, decided that course was not the one he wanted so decided to quit and rest for a period (probably running into months or years) before deciding further. In the meantime family just wait and pray.
• 
  Child went oversea to work. After an initial period of communication, stop all contacts with family. Family at a lost of what to do.
• 
  Child decides to take off after period of time to do non financial returning work for self satisfaction. Parents are expected to continue supporting them financially.
• 
  Child comes home to introduce his or spouse. FAmily to accept their sudden appearance and accept it.
• 
  Child came back bundling his or her spouse with children saying he or she needs financial aid from parent because of lost of income. Parents who were hoping for otherwise now has to continue slogging.

Scenes from Chinese drama? At least that was what I thought until one realizes that they are as real as the toothache you can have. As parents we used to read books after books to learn parenting skills when the child is young. Somewhere along the line we stopped. We forget that parenting never stops. So do we still continue getting the skills we need? Why have we stop learning? How do we assess our skills before we are dead and gone? Can we then at any time claim that we were good parents?
At what stage does the child take charge and be responsible for his or her own life? Is there a seminar or course to teach children about caring for the parents and putting them as part of their life? Where does their responsibilities lie or is it true that the question was never asked by them or worst still not expected of them?

I now understand why in the Chinese drama, the matriarch wants to go off to the temple to clear her mind through prayers to attain peace. I wish I could do that. At least if not at the temple just a peaceful quiet place. Maybe one can then hear the answers.

Thunderstorm

Today the internet is down for the second day. But I just want to put my say in words first.
I have always experience thunderstorm periodically that I came to believe it has to run once every few months. Recently, it has been dizzily for some time. Wonder if it means the thunderstorm is spread out over a period of time instead of a single blow or is it an indication of a tornado to come.

A Prayer for Her

She was reputed to be the craftsman behind my problems. She was to be the instigator. I believe it is true knowing her character and the way she speaks and think.What more thinking back when I was in my pits, she was no way near. I am sure she is the culprit.
She then received more and more rewards from Him that at an instant I did ask, 'Where are You?'
Today, she must be undergoing tremendous emotional turmoil. I can't bring myself not to care nor rejoice in her pain. The judgement is not mine to make. My pain has not totally gone but I will still say a prayer for her and will go to her if she needs a friend. My hand is extended. My prayer that she will be strong is said.

Blessings

Thanking God for the following blessings this weekend
Au did OK in her IELTS. Now to wait for the results. She is coping much better than expected about E's leaving.
A has been making a strong effort to be with the family more. He is also trying to help out as much as he could.
E is settling in well with his friends. Though he couldn't be with his housemates in his surgery group, he has a good mate and has found new friends. On the other hand I guess everyone should know the batch's assistant rep wouldn't they?

E came back last weekend and during the 40 odd hours home everyone was trying to do the maximum. I was trying to get his nutrition in place, daddy try to get the family together for a meal, (everybody was having so much to do) A went down town to get his books and choose a printer for him.Au was maximising manja time while preparing for her exam. E himself was rattling off like a bullet train trying to update us on all his activities, academic needs, projects, etc etc. and before we know it, we need to prepare him for his trip down to S'ban again and his first week of lectures. All in all it was like a mini hurricane passing through the weekend.
All these I feel is because basically the family is closely knitted. The children share their thoughts, fears, feelings and concern with us and their siblings.The only feelings we keep to ourselves are those we think will hurt others. Having such a family is another blessing from above.
We thank Thee for being here with us and may you keep an eye out for all of us as we all go our separate ways for the week.

Back on Track

Now that E has started, slowly I am picking up the pieces and getting back to routine.
Been neglecting the mail both virtual and real for about 2 weeks. Finally cleared my table and inbox today.Next to clear the children's table and cupboard especially E's 'leftovers'.
The neck and shoulder has been hurting and had no time to look into it. Need to start on some stretching and maybe back to my morning walks.I took 3 days to recover from the muscle ache after the room painting project in S'ban! This is bad.
Au is doing her English workshop and is starting her preparations for SAM in November. Need to give her some time and look into her tertiary education. Not that we haven't been doing anything. Guess she is pretty sure of Pharmacy. Now left to see which U to put her into. Australia means she leave next February which means another round of physical and emotional runabout. If she ends up in IMU, she will have a 9 months break in 2 years time before leaving for UK. Nottingham and SEGI means 9 months break next year. Decisions decisions decisions. Maybe should let time tells.
Ad is ever so active in church irregardless what happens at home. 5 years time and I will say if it is a blessing or an agony.
Had a ton of books which I had put aside. Started picking up last night (need to get back to my sleeping routine!) My projects including handicraft should start soon. My gosh, I wanted to start 14 months ago and I haven't found my sewing machine yet Help! Someone show me how to get one!
Of course tuition is still on going. It might be a good idea to go into individual home tuition next year but then I will need the car, Well, we'll see when the time comes.Who knows I may find a companion to do other things like learn to lepak and go shopping or maybe daddy may quit and we go travelling. Sure is windy when one is dreaming in the air!!! Phew.

feelings of a Mother

Finally the day is here. the day E will leave for S'ban to further his studies. Yes he is only an hour drive away. Yes, he is only one phone call away. Yes, he is with good friends and has everything prepared for him the best we know how. Yes he is the second child of mine that is leaving the nest officially. But how does a mother feel? All that was mentioned is of no relevance. He is still and will always be my baby. He will always be my little baby that sat on the potty pot and not make a noise until someone is free to attend to him. He will not be within my arm's reach. I won't be able to walk to the study room to kiss him goodnight physically. I won't be able to hug him anytime I want. I won't see him on the dining table every night.
When A left for UK 5 years ago, close friends and my sister told me that whatever happened, I must be strong at the airport and not shed a single tear. I mustn't let him leave with unnecessary worries. This time round, I need to be strong for Au's sake. She is especially attached to E and I know it will be hard for her. It is just as hard for me but again I must be strong.
5 years ago, the pain was so internalised that I can't find the words to describe it. I remember feeling as if a limb of mine was torn off me and I can't scream. Now it is more an active acceptance of the realities that is a start for more to come. You know that 2 years down the line he is moving even further. When he graduate, he will be posted away from home and encounter more hardship during his housemanship. It will be of the slimmest chance that he will be next to me all the time. So how do I feel? it is a mixture of, sadness, happiness, worry, acceptance, blessed amongst others. My son is finally grown up and E is going through a period of independence and maturity. He is much better prepared than most others physically and emotionally. I will block away negative thoughts and concentrate on the positive.It is a pathway all mothers need to undergo and just as he need to grow, I need to let go.He will meet with a lot of obstacles as he walk the path and I need to let him clear the route himself. I will be there at anytime he calls out and I will assist without retarding him. Lastly, I will say my silent prayers to Him to keep a lookout for my son which just as much His son.
I need to go back to normal life giving time to my books, my interests and the rest of the family. I will also spend time to see what others things I need to do to help him through this journey of life. It will be difficult and painful and I may never recover fully from it but I will certainly try for my sake as well as E's and Au's sake.
All these are the feelings of a mother.