The first category are those who love me unconditionally. They place me first above themselves in sickness amd in wealth. To them I could do no wrong and my happiness is theirs as well.They are there with me in my sorrow and pain, holding my hands quietly not saying anything when I am silent, giving me their undivided loyalty at my lowest time, just simply giving me all they have without regret.
Next there is the declaration of the strong, sincere love of how much I am needed and how much I meant to them and how they can't live without me. They promise me the world knowing very well I wouldn't ask for anything from them. Unfortunately they need to fullfill their responsibilities elsewhere and they ask for your understanding and plead for your patience. Everything is for me except that they can't let go of others however much they wanted to .Doesn't this sound awfully familiar to the soap opera you see on TV? The similarity can send a shiver down your spine if you are related to it. They declare you are the one and only one, they lavish you with materal,being cosy when they are around. They are tryng and trying to break other commitments but that never happen after years of the affair.
Yet they re are those who love but have their own life to lead. They are there momentarily but they won't be there all the time. I know it and accepted it. They have my blessings as they walk away. I treasure the moments I have with them.
To all my lovers, I love each and everyone of you. I thank you for the love, the experience and the enlightenment. You played a big part in completing my life.
To the first group, you love and spoilt me and I conciously remind myself to appreciate and say my thanks. I don't know if my love for you is just as strong as yours for me, but I love you the very best I could and if it is not enough, I could only pray that you will be blessed by Him over.
To the second, it is like waking up one of these days and realised that I have given all I have to you and today I wonder if I had been stupid. I danced to the love tunes we hear together and enjoyed all the moments together. It was a good dream. I wish I could be in that dream forever but as He wishes, I woke up.Now I weigh the pros and cons and take a stand.I wonder why no one told me about being a second fiddle. Maybe those who should wasn't around.It is no one's fault but mine that I chose the path.
Lastly, to those who loved me but need to go, go with my blessings. May He look after you when and where I can't be for I love you all no less. Your happiness is mine as well and your pain is mined to share too.Find your love. They that you love, let them go for if they don't return, they were not yours to start with. And if they do, they will truly be yours.
Love is so very fragile to me. You try not to question for you know it might cause a crack. And when a crack is formed, you wonder if it will ever be healed.
Lovely serenate, lovely story.Good to write and interesting to read.Until it pops up from the paper, may it be the fairy tale.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thank You Lord
I have just came back from a follow-up checkup with my gynaecologist. It is good to know that after 6 months of medication and spending RM1K on it, my fibroids are officially gone. Otherwise imagine going through the surgical process of removing my womb which was suggested 6 months ago by another doctor.Both the doctors I believe have done their best in their ability to advice and it is up to me to make the final decision. For now I am happy with mine. Now to wait for my body to give me a quiet peaceful menopause.
In the last 6 months, from the first doctor to the second's D and C. I remembered waiting for the result fearing cancer that was mooted by the first doctor. I also remember thinking at that time what if I was awarded the big C.
I admit it was scary. I started to question myself if I was ready to leave my children. I started thinking deep and long about each and everyone of them including my husband. In a lady's life , the most important people are her children and her husband.(at least to me) When I found out that I was cleared, it was a big relief. But my thoughts didn't stop there.
Over the months, together with other happenings,I began to think of questions which includes whether I was ready to let go, should I let go, is it time to let go, are they ready to be independent. To whom am I letting them off to.What is my stand when they find their life long partner, where do I stand if they are caught between me and their spouses. I had the chance to discuss many of the answers with my chidren and I hope that if they need to, my thoughts will help them to go through certain times of their life.
At the end, I feel at ease that I have shared with them. it is now for them to take note and remember. (don't worry, if I change my mind, I will let them know too : ) )
All these helps me to realise many things, put them into thoughts and words, make certain decisions about my life and once again, thank you Lord, I now see Your reason for all that I am going through.
In the last 6 months, from the first doctor to the second's D and C. I remembered waiting for the result fearing cancer that was mooted by the first doctor. I also remember thinking at that time what if I was awarded the big C.
I admit it was scary. I started to question myself if I was ready to leave my children. I started thinking deep and long about each and everyone of them including my husband. In a lady's life , the most important people are her children and her husband.(at least to me) When I found out that I was cleared, it was a big relief. But my thoughts didn't stop there.
Over the months, together with other happenings,I began to think of questions which includes whether I was ready to let go, should I let go, is it time to let go, are they ready to be independent. To whom am I letting them off to.What is my stand when they find their life long partner, where do I stand if they are caught between me and their spouses. I had the chance to discuss many of the answers with my chidren and I hope that if they need to, my thoughts will help them to go through certain times of their life.
At the end, I feel at ease that I have shared with them. it is now for them to take note and remember. (don't worry, if I change my mind, I will let them know too : ) )
All these helps me to realise many things, put them into thoughts and words, make certain decisions about my life and once again, thank you Lord, I now see Your reason for all that I am going through.
Love
#Love me and honour me by honouring all those around you. Let me spread my love and care through you. Loving me does not require a specify place. Honouring me can be done everywhere.Let others know that together with you, we love all and we want to spread love and peace.There is no need to shout about it. Just go about things and all will know.
#Love me and make sure that I am above all. You must choose me when there is a need to choose between me and anything else and everybody else. You show your love by being with me only at this place and no where else. Tell others loud and clear about how great I am and why you love me so that they will do the same.It doesn't matter if it hurts for that is a sacrifice they must make to show their trust in me.
Which is me?
It is the first kind of love that I would like to be associated with. To me love is quiet, but lots can be done. Love is possible everywhere and not at anyone place. As life unfold itself for me at my fifties, I do a lot of soul searching. With time at my side, I ask and I answer. I may be advised to change, maybe I should change but to me I prefer to be me.I have never been loud and being loud is not me.I know I have duties and responsibilities and I have and will perform them to my best. But at certain junction, I will not allow it to hurt me.
At my fifties, I have completed quite a few of my 'jobs'. It is not my nature to expect thanks so that will not hurt me. But that does not mean that I don't know when I am placed second, performing duties that is liking throwing salt into the sea and I will definitely response to it.I don't take revenge for that is not me but I will stop non appreciated acts and withdrawn if the situation renders it. Lastly, once withdreawned I will think doubly hard before I extend again. I prefer to extend elsewhere instead of going back to the original and hope for it to have changed.
#Love me and make sure that I am above all. You must choose me when there is a need to choose between me and anything else and everybody else. You show your love by being with me only at this place and no where else. Tell others loud and clear about how great I am and why you love me so that they will do the same.It doesn't matter if it hurts for that is a sacrifice they must make to show their trust in me.
Which is me?
It is the first kind of love that I would like to be associated with. To me love is quiet, but lots can be done. Love is possible everywhere and not at anyone place. As life unfold itself for me at my fifties, I do a lot of soul searching. With time at my side, I ask and I answer. I may be advised to change, maybe I should change but to me I prefer to be me.I have never been loud and being loud is not me.I know I have duties and responsibilities and I have and will perform them to my best. But at certain junction, I will not allow it to hurt me.
At my fifties, I have completed quite a few of my 'jobs'. It is not my nature to expect thanks so that will not hurt me. But that does not mean that I don't know when I am placed second, performing duties that is liking throwing salt into the sea and I will definitely response to it.I don't take revenge for that is not me but I will stop non appreciated acts and withdrawn if the situation renders it. Lastly, once withdreawned I will think doubly hard before I extend again. I prefer to extend elsewhere instead of going back to the original and hope for it to have changed.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Potato Chips Biscuit
Last weekend Au and I tried this 'savoury' recipe that I got from a book in the library.Apologies to the author as I have no idea the source.As I said before, the family do not have a sweet toooth but cookies to munch is something we learn to enjoy. So I had been trying to satisfy both needs.
130 g butter
50 g sugar
1 egg yolk
1/4 tsp vanilla
40 g cornflour
180 g flour
45 g ground potato chip
Followed normal lili's method ie cream the first 2 and add the rest! I guess I am no novice cook or chef. Just someone who does it.
Bake at 160 deg celcius for 15 minutes.
Amount should turn out 50 cookies
edit
used 40 g sugar
55 g chips
180 deg and waited till cookies turn light brown
verdict
At first try, we felt that it is nothing spectacular, not sweet or savoury just a bit. But after a few more cookies, we begin to feel it gives a special crunch to it and according to daddy, has a potato taste to it. So we decided it is worth an edited version
So I plan to do it again with a bbq or tomato based chips, to increase the chips to 60 g and see the difference.
130 g butter
50 g sugar
1 egg yolk
1/4 tsp vanilla
40 g cornflour
180 g flour
45 g ground potato chip
Followed normal lili's method ie cream the first 2 and add the rest! I guess I am no novice cook or chef. Just someone who does it.
Bake at 160 deg celcius for 15 minutes.
Amount should turn out 50 cookies
edit
used 40 g sugar
55 g chips
180 deg and waited till cookies turn light brown
verdict
At first try, we felt that it is nothing spectacular, not sweet or savoury just a bit. But after a few more cookies, we begin to feel it gives a special crunch to it and according to daddy, has a potato taste to it. So we decided it is worth an edited version
So I plan to do it again with a bbq or tomato based chips, to increase the chips to 60 g and see the difference.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Be Counted
Some days I woke up fresh and ready to go. Somedays I wake up all tired and wanted to crawl under the blanket.And there are days when you decided to wake up, stand up firm and state your stand. Today is one of those days for me.
Starting from my maternal grandma, we hold the ancient chinese character of 'yun'. It incoperates tolerates, acceptances, swallowing the bitter quietly and avoiding conflicts.I can't think of an english equivalent word.My grandma was a second wife of a rich herbal merchant. Being the second wife in a large extended family was not easy.The first wife treated her well (basing on my mother's stories) but the children from the first wife definitely saw her as a threat and regarfed her as a maid. Anyway she is a soft spoken gentle lady (with all the hard work, her hands are as soft as candy) and you never hear her voice above a certain decibel. Whenever we spoke of how she is treated, she will smile and tell us to 'yun'.
Next come my mother She is well educated and refined. For a lady at her times(early 1900s) she is an accounting graduate,plays the classical musical instuments and and does emboideries beautifully. If she sees any of my needlework today, she will turn in her grave! She again resembles her mother in subscibing to 'yun'. No quarrels no shouting but she does shows her displeasure at times.Until I am married, I have NEVER heard a profanity murmured.
Coming to my sister and I, we are still strongly influenced. When we meet with unpleasant people ,our first instint is to avoid.When we have nasty colleagues and bosses, we were train to walk off rather than confront. I can't speak for my sister, but for me, I still hates to confront. I move off, I steer clear and in the case of my career, I was even ready to quit than to creat a scene or involved anybody else. It is funny how so many of her level so called friemds decided to stand up for me and was all ready to storm it out with her for me!
In the home front, I allowed my MIL to rule my home and life all these years. Not because I like it but just to keep the peace. Any unhappy feelings, I keep to myself. I refraim from shouting and telling people off. As long as it doesn't hurt my chidren, I stomach it because they are the most important people in my life.
But today (though I don't know if it will last), I decided to make my stand. I decided that there is no need to be a nice guy at the expence of myself. TOday I decided I am important I will call a spade a spade, tell things as it is even if it will cause hurt.My children are big enough and they are ready to be on their own.It is time for me to let go of them. I am ready to stand up and be counted. I can and will make decisions if it comes to it and I will survived.
I am sorry mummy and grandma that I have evolved from you all but I believe sometimes we need to be counted.
Starting from my maternal grandma, we hold the ancient chinese character of 'yun'. It incoperates tolerates, acceptances, swallowing the bitter quietly and avoiding conflicts.I can't think of an english equivalent word.My grandma was a second wife of a rich herbal merchant. Being the second wife in a large extended family was not easy.The first wife treated her well (basing on my mother's stories) but the children from the first wife definitely saw her as a threat and regarfed her as a maid. Anyway she is a soft spoken gentle lady (with all the hard work, her hands are as soft as candy) and you never hear her voice above a certain decibel. Whenever we spoke of how she is treated, she will smile and tell us to 'yun'.
Next come my mother She is well educated and refined. For a lady at her times(early 1900s) she is an accounting graduate,plays the classical musical instuments and and does emboideries beautifully. If she sees any of my needlework today, she will turn in her grave! She again resembles her mother in subscibing to 'yun'. No quarrels no shouting but she does shows her displeasure at times.Until I am married, I have NEVER heard a profanity murmured.
Coming to my sister and I, we are still strongly influenced. When we meet with unpleasant people ,our first instint is to avoid.When we have nasty colleagues and bosses, we were train to walk off rather than confront. I can't speak for my sister, but for me, I still hates to confront. I move off, I steer clear and in the case of my career, I was even ready to quit than to creat a scene or involved anybody else. It is funny how so many of her level so called friemds decided to stand up for me and was all ready to storm it out with her for me!
In the home front, I allowed my MIL to rule my home and life all these years. Not because I like it but just to keep the peace. Any unhappy feelings, I keep to myself. I refraim from shouting and telling people off. As long as it doesn't hurt my chidren, I stomach it because they are the most important people in my life.
But today (though I don't know if it will last), I decided to make my stand. I decided that there is no need to be a nice guy at the expence of myself. TOday I decided I am important I will call a spade a spade, tell things as it is even if it will cause hurt.My children are big enough and they are ready to be on their own.It is time for me to let go of them. I am ready to stand up and be counted. I can and will make decisions if it comes to it and I will survived.
I am sorry mummy and grandma that I have evolved from you all but I believe sometimes we need to be counted.
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Week that Was
Started this week planning to have some good times with Au since it is her last week of hols before she start 3rd semester. At the same time, MIL was not around so another reason to relax.
Unfortunately, palpitations turn bad. it was so bad that I needed a few days to recuperate. It was the second time it went on for approximate 8 hours and the body felt exhausted after that.I guess I aggravated it by being uptight about certain things. Good time to make a stronger effort to block out unpleasant things.
Good thing that came out from it: I was pampered the whole week by the family. Au spend her last week of hols looking after me and daddy took care of the food. I wasn't even allowed to wash and iron or clean.
In the end, need to do some more tests to establish the reasons for the palpitations. though I suspect it has something to do with my menopausing. In the meantime, have to try to block unhappy things and just stay immuned.
Did had a good afternoon making sardine and tuna rolls with Au though.
Pastry from
250 g butter
500 g flour
cold water
pepper salt
parmeson cheese
Au did it with me overseeing and it turn out just fine. It was so nice that we enjoyed the pastry even without the sardine.
making the sardine, this time I remember to add
lemon juice,
salt
pepper
chillies
to one tin of mashed sardine
cooked with chopped onions
Tuna was a last minute thing when we have extra pastry so we miss out on the chillies. Also it was in oil and we didn't add any mayonnaise, it was easier to make.
Taste wise, sardine is stronger.
My little brain is thinking of using minced meat like Char siew and making them into little round disc like the spaceship when I next try it.
Unfortunately, palpitations turn bad. it was so bad that I needed a few days to recuperate. It was the second time it went on for approximate 8 hours and the body felt exhausted after that.I guess I aggravated it by being uptight about certain things. Good time to make a stronger effort to block out unpleasant things.
Good thing that came out from it: I was pampered the whole week by the family. Au spend her last week of hols looking after me and daddy took care of the food. I wasn't even allowed to wash and iron or clean.
In the end, need to do some more tests to establish the reasons for the palpitations. though I suspect it has something to do with my menopausing. In the meantime, have to try to block unhappy things and just stay immuned.
Did had a good afternoon making sardine and tuna rolls with Au though.
Pastry from
250 g butter
500 g flour
cold water
pepper salt
parmeson cheese
Au did it with me overseeing and it turn out just fine. It was so nice that we enjoyed the pastry even without the sardine.
making the sardine, this time I remember to add
lemon juice,
salt
pepper
chillies
to one tin of mashed sardine
cooked with chopped onions
Tuna was a last minute thing when we have extra pastry so we miss out on the chillies. Also it was in oil and we didn't add any mayonnaise, it was easier to make.
Taste wise, sardine is stronger.
My little brain is thinking of using minced meat like Char siew and making them into little round disc like the spaceship when I next try it.
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