Year end but it is not the end or is it the end

I am  surprised that I wrote this year. It seems like ages .

This year has been one of the most challenging year in my life. Met the first death of a sibling. Was an eye opening even though it was expected. Hit hard at the face that death is near we are all ageing.

Next health wise, I haven't been well ever since I can remember. Not sick enough to cause a panic but bad enough to cause unrest, distress and overall depressing mood all year round. As the year end, things are not getting better. The problems are accumulating.

From the bleeding in my gums, to the fear of losing my teeth, fear of mouth cancer, neck and shoulder pains, heel pains, fear of tumour all has been racing through my mind non stop and sad to say it hasn't stopped. It hasn't ended neither do I see the end of the tunnel.

Where to I turn to? I had my faith and that too has became a challenge as I suffer in silent. Only lately do I dare to share with my husband. I questioned my God, I pleaded, I prayed, I scream silently, I mourned; what else have I not done. I searched through my bible for an answer. Silence. I know He is there but the silence is deafening. Is it my fault ? What is wrong? Why? How? It hasn't stopped. When will it end? Have I reached my lowest or is there much more to go on? Will I ever get out of this? Will it end with my death? What is happening at my mind? My thoughts?

Am I going mad? Am I going through depression?

What a year it has been.
Should I freeze my thoughts and my mind? Problems do not see the gregorian calendar. They do not know that it is December. They only take a rest if they kind enough? They have not gone away.

In Poole

Fast forward, this is the second oversea trip this year after Bali  during cny. This time is to UK to bring the whole family together as we visit the youngest child.
 27 hours flight and bus ride. Reaching in the middle of the night at 3 am. Caught in the cold weather. Not forgetting the stress before the trip over my Heath and leaving the house .

Seeing her after so many months. Having the children altogether warms up over the cold weather. Satisfied that she is independent and settled. Not that there is no problem but that she can handle everything. After all what more does a mother want.

This trip brought forth many different thoughts on many different things. I realise the many things He wanted me to note and see. The many things He want me to be awaken to. Nothing happy, nothing sad but just knowing, learning, accepting, acknowledging and moving on. Important and essential.

A new year

With the passing of my brother a week ago, the negativity should have reach its lowest. Starting November, I had been physically sick with all kinds of ailments from my gums to my throat and a long list of little nagging. When I saw my brother in hospital, he had deteriorated so much and I was in shock. During cny, I had a short break with another brother and my sister's families. It didn't perk me up that much but nevertheless a good break. I just need a change.

Two days after our return, I went into the dumps again as I see my brother pass away. With that, my mind went into another whirlwind of thoughts and pondering.

Was his death a shock? I cannot say that because we were prepared way back a year ago. Do I miss him, no, I am not that close to my siblings. Why then am I so sad and disturbed?

It just go to show that blood is thicker than water. Irregardless how close we were, he was still my blood brother.

Seeing other siblings talking to the agent on their own packages and seeing their 'bought' eternal location make me realise the angel of death is as near as my own siblings. Whether I amò prepared or not.

A family discussion to move our parents bones that sounds more like a quarrel didn't help. I suddenly remember what it was like and how it affected me. That much hasn't change. Why am I still so emotional then?

I looked around at my nieces and nephews. All are grown up. They have their weakness but seriously , I see them an improvement of their parents. We talked about getting the next generation to bond. So true as we can see the number of actual siblings are dwindling so the next best is cousins. But how do we do it? I pray about it and may God use this empty vessel to do His will.

I look at all of them, and I look at my siblings. I hope to share with them values and  thoughts that they may need to handle life situations. I seriously is worried  as I see things that are already here. I want to tell them what  I think about marriage, family life, honouring parents, not stressing up children. Not to brush aside their parents but to tell them to step back and see a bigger picture. Then make their own mind. Life is not about me, I and myself and you can't say I don't care.. We are put here as part of a family so accept it and work on it. You can't run away. The choice does not exist. Talk to them about empathy, sympathy, sincere care and concern. Put aside comparison , jealousy, selfishness. All to make ourselves better and have a more fruitful life.

Oh so much to say and I still not sure how to do it. But today I decided to put behind the negative and move forward positive. All is possible only if He is willing. In His will, guide me.

Mother and daughter

I was talking to my sweetie pie as she pack from her present place to move to her new place . She also need to pack to come back home for two months. Boxes have to be send to her new place , new apartment need to be found,work is still going on and she has to decide not only how but also what to pack to go where. My heart goes out to her as I could feel her thoughts and the decisions that she has to make. As a mum, my heart aches for her and wishes so much that I could be there to help. I obviously can't as I am thousands of kilometres away from my little baby

So what could I do but to ask questions and comments as I watch helplessly.

Her reaction to my actions was that I was checking on and evaluating her capability in finishing the tasks ahead. Obviously I know she was wrong in her thoughts. I am not angry as my heart still goes out to her.

But it brought me to realise that it has been a recurring happening with my children when many a times, they felt that I was testing them, analysing and judging them. I did some soul searching. I realised that their words and feelings are identical to those I said and felt when I was the daughter. I felt the same way and uttered the same words with my mum years ago.

My next thought is why it happened. I tried to remember why I  felt that way and why I said those words. I then realised that I had always wanted to be the child my mum would be proud off. I always felt that I couldn't attain the standard she had set for me. That is why I always felt that she is belittling me and checking on me. I now realised that they were actually actions stem from concern and love for me. She wasn't judging but was trying to help in her own helpless way. Back to the future, I now need to stem out the wrong message send out. I need to think about how I should express my love without stressing them out. What different words should I use, how should I approach the situation in future.

Roller coaster thots

Haven't been feeling too well lately. Chest congestion and tired. Obviously that will make me think of many things.

Death. ........... I think I choose cremation and then ashes in the sea. Clean and finished. Good to know that all are independent and that will allow me to move on with a light heart.

Pulpit speaker say we rejoice as we go nearer because we will be with The Lord faster. Sorry I can't achieved that level of feelings yet. So much more love I want to shower.

 A bout  of happiness, a round of sadness. Relieved but also tired.

SMK(L) Bukit Bintang

This is the school I did two years of per u studies
This is the school I first met my husband.
This is the school I did my teaching practise
This is the school I spend 95 percent of my teaching career
This is the school where I was a student, teacher, administrator and also an OBA committee member.
This is the school my sons went through their secondary school life
This is the school that I was so much part of at all levels not out of choice and seriously not out of instant love.

This week the school sees the retirement of two administrators who are also good friends. Ever since I left it seven years ago, I had wanted to go back just to see the school and ex colleagues . For various reasons, I did not. Now, the reasons get smaller and more distant. It is the ending of an era of my involvement  with SMK (L) BB.

The school is unique in a way. The first four headmasters whom I have the privilege to know comes in sizes s, m, l and a lady all very different in physical sense. They are four different races and they each have years and years in the school.

The students are unique too. We have the powerful, the best , the rich, the poor. Most from the 70s through the change of the century have a common opinion of the school if ever they are called back. Personally I think they are wonderful and they have strong attachment to certain teachers.

Other personal opinions are best not said or written.
Happy retirement to my two friends

Siblings

From the viewpoint of parents, they pray that there is love and loyalty. From the spouses directions, they wonder why they are like that. For the siblings themselves, well .......... They are people you are genetically linked not due to your choice. You share a lot of similarities but are never the same. sometimes they are a pain in the neck, at other times, they are the first people you turn to. they are people you can talk to. they are also the ones that gives you the most bias opinions. They are people you are sometimes jealous of, they are the same people you can't get the concern out when they are in trouble.

 And they say love is complicated. I think siblings are a mixed jumble of feelings and more complicated.