yesterday was prayed for by pastor daphne yap at altar call and later chat with khoon leong. Must remember to thank them. Bless them lord. Both the things gave me momentary comfort . Adrian say at worst, just see Jesus first. That stabs
Later on at night felt the tightening of the area under the chest till morning. Didn't want to worry Matthew but in the end need to share. Prayed together and truly feel the Holy Spirit with my speaking of tongue. God needs me to now that to reassure me he is here with me. And when I am well, I can pray for others in tongue better. Thank you Holy Spirit
Took turmeric last on Saturday took soursop, green tea and reserve. Had loose stool twice on Sunday morning. Stopped the turmeric but after soursop, was also a bit queasy so not sure what was the cause.
Two reserve a day is the objective. Took one after breakfast. Went toilet twice. Must go on to some turmeric later.
Mind is aimless and void today
Monday, September 7, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Two days later
I really feel I am not ready to die.
I prayed and prayed until I am suspicious whether I am praying right or if God is hearing me. I am frightened but not sure why. The children are ok, why am I scared of dying. Maybe I just don't want to die yet. Not while I still want to spend time with my husband, cuddling up to him. Not while I feel I am just not ready. But then when is it God wait for us to say ready. He decides everything. So is he deciding that time is up for me
I am so desperate that I am trying anything that sounds right. I am taking turmeric in high dosage until I am scared I have side effects. Constipated and headache but that doesn't seem to be the side effect listed. Maybe I am not taking enough water. I took to green tea. I am taking reserve. I am taking soursop. I am desperate. And I can't says much. Matthew is scared. I can see and he doesn't want me to say anything negative.but I know he is scared so I can't say anything to scare him further. I had to put on a strong front.
The children. Edmund is concerned and try to be a tower. But I am sacred he sees so much death in his job he will be immune. Adrian knows he has to be concern but he has a world of his own. He thinks that avoiding it the thing will go away. So he has his own program me and stays away. In a way it hurts me to see him put his dead friend more important than me. But then, his world. I can't force anything out of him but it hurts and I can't say anything again to Matthew cuz he doesn't like. Me to feel sad or angry with the children. Again denial syndrome.
Audrey, I know she cares and is concern but she is so far away not much she can do but just be there with a phone besides her.
I also feel that some journeys has to be taken on my own. I can't expect anyone nor can they travel with me. I turn to God . And hold him to his world that he will not leave me nor forsake me.you will hear me in heaven when I cry out to you. That I am your child. That you will take care of me and take my worries off me. That you are in control. I believe you can heal me and I pray you will. I pray that you will be there when the lab do my test. Make the results correct and make it negative for cancer. I really want to serve you And I have just started. Heal me, strengthen me, use me, I surrender all to you. In Jesus mighty name I pray amen
I prayed and prayed until I am suspicious whether I am praying right or if God is hearing me. I am frightened but not sure why. The children are ok, why am I scared of dying. Maybe I just don't want to die yet. Not while I still want to spend time with my husband, cuddling up to him. Not while I feel I am just not ready. But then when is it God wait for us to say ready. He decides everything. So is he deciding that time is up for me
I am so desperate that I am trying anything that sounds right. I am taking turmeric in high dosage until I am scared I have side effects. Constipated and headache but that doesn't seem to be the side effect listed. Maybe I am not taking enough water. I took to green tea. I am taking reserve. I am taking soursop. I am desperate. And I can't says much. Matthew is scared. I can see and he doesn't want me to say anything negative.but I know he is scared so I can't say anything to scare him further. I had to put on a strong front.
The children. Edmund is concerned and try to be a tower. But I am sacred he sees so much death in his job he will be immune. Adrian knows he has to be concern but he has a world of his own. He thinks that avoiding it the thing will go away. So he has his own program me and stays away. In a way it hurts me to see him put his dead friend more important than me. But then, his world. I can't force anything out of him but it hurts and I can't say anything again to Matthew cuz he doesn't like. Me to feel sad or angry with the children. Again denial syndrome.
Audrey, I know she cares and is concern but she is so far away not much she can do but just be there with a phone besides her.
I also feel that some journeys has to be taken on my own. I can't expect anyone nor can they travel with me. I turn to God . And hold him to his world that he will not leave me nor forsake me.you will hear me in heaven when I cry out to you. That I am your child. That you will take care of me and take my worries off me. That you are in control. I believe you can heal me and I pray you will. I pray that you will be there when the lab do my test. Make the results correct and make it negative for cancer. I really want to serve you And I have just started. Heal me, strengthen me, use me, I surrender all to you. In Jesus mighty name I pray amen
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
That dreadful day
walking into ummc to seek the doctor was like a nightmare. Hearing from her that the lump was my breast was like a stub
Went straight to tdmc for the mammogram cuz I can't wait . That one hour with the radiologist being to
D that it is not good, the lump has spread to the nodes was like being slapped multiple times.
Back home, it is like the nightmare is not over. It is like as if we are talking about someone else and the lump is not mine.
Cried until my eyes can't open. So lost so lost for words
Went straight to tdmc for the mammogram cuz I can't wait . That one hour with the radiologist being to
D that it is not good, the lump has spread to the nodes was like being slapped multiple times.
Back home, it is like the nightmare is not over. It is like as if we are talking about someone else and the lump is not mine.
Cried until my eyes can't open. So lost so lost for words
Monday, August 31, 2015
A lump at my armpit
A week ago, after coming back from mission meeting, I felt a lump at my left armpit. We were watching a drama show on my iPad and I don't know what made me touch it but the sensation ran chills down my spine.
What are my first thoughts? I thought of breast cancer. Terrible thoughts ran through my mind like a train. I admit I am a pessimist and I had been having end of life thoughts lately so I guess it didn't help. I wanted to ask my little doctor son but he was on call. I turn to my husband I could see the same kind of thoughts running thro his mind too. As such, I had to calm down and not let him see my fears. At least not at the depth I was feeling.
First thought was to do a mammogram at tdmc, the nearest and fastest solution.
Prayed hard that night. Had a restless night. Next morning a little calmer , we talk about spiritual attack and decided to wait for my son to talk it out. Daddy had earlier SMS him and he said what was expected.
Evening came, he came back and felt it, it wasn't the breast but my lymph node. But it is no consolation. The lump is still a lump.
From then on, all kind is thoughts has gone thro my head. Cancer, death, spiritual attack, what happens upon my death etc etc.
Last Monday it was discovered. Today on Monday again, it is no better but I am having other discomforts. Psychologically or otherwise I don't know.
Tomorrow is decision day to see uh doctor, mammogram or any other ideas. Disturbed.
What are my first thoughts? I thought of breast cancer. Terrible thoughts ran through my mind like a train. I admit I am a pessimist and I had been having end of life thoughts lately so I guess it didn't help. I wanted to ask my little doctor son but he was on call. I turn to my husband I could see the same kind of thoughts running thro his mind too. As such, I had to calm down and not let him see my fears. At least not at the depth I was feeling.
First thought was to do a mammogram at tdmc, the nearest and fastest solution.
Prayed hard that night. Had a restless night. Next morning a little calmer , we talk about spiritual attack and decided to wait for my son to talk it out. Daddy had earlier SMS him and he said what was expected.
Evening came, he came back and felt it, it wasn't the breast but my lymph node. But it is no consolation. The lump is still a lump.
From then on, all kind is thoughts has gone thro my head. Cancer, death, spiritual attack, what happens upon my death etc etc.
Last Monday it was discovered. Today on Monday again, it is no better but I am having other discomforts. Psychologically or otherwise I don't know.
Tomorrow is decision day to see uh doctor, mammogram or any other ideas. Disturbed.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Suspended mood
This month is a month where I feel as if I am floating in a crowd. As if I am standing in a crowded train station not walking but being carried by the crowd into the train. No turning back, no planning your next step. One just stand and cannot help but be carried forward not by choice but by events. No stopping for whatever reasons. Not wanting it to go on but nothing you can do. No turning back.
When I was at the delivery room, when the pain is most intense, I felt I could not take it, I wanted to say, stop it, wait, I am not ready but the baby hears not. I cried now too but circumstances too do not hear me. I will survive both time but I do not have a lovely baby to bring home this time. Only memories of a good month kept in my mind.
When I was at the delivery room, when the pain is most intense, I felt I could not take it, I wanted to say, stop it, wait, I am not ready but the baby hears not. I cried now too but circumstances too do not hear me. I will survive both time but I do not have a lovely baby to bring home this time. Only memories of a good month kept in my mind.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Year end but it is not the end or is it the end
I am surprised that I wrote this year. It seems like ages .
This year has been one of the most challenging year in my life. Met the first death of a sibling. Was an eye opening even though it was expected. Hit hard at the face that death is near we are all ageing.
Next health wise, I haven't been well ever since I can remember. Not sick enough to cause a panic but bad enough to cause unrest, distress and overall depressing mood all year round. As the year end, things are not getting better. The problems are accumulating.
From the bleeding in my gums, to the fear of losing my teeth, fear of mouth cancer, neck and shoulder pains, heel pains, fear of tumour all has been racing through my mind non stop and sad to say it hasn't stopped. It hasn't ended neither do I see the end of the tunnel.
Where to I turn to? I had my faith and that too has became a challenge as I suffer in silent. Only lately do I dare to share with my husband. I questioned my God, I pleaded, I prayed, I scream silently, I mourned; what else have I not done. I searched through my bible for an answer. Silence. I know He is there but the silence is deafening. Is it my fault ? What is wrong? Why? How? It hasn't stopped. When will it end? Have I reached my lowest or is there much more to go on? Will I ever get out of this? Will it end with my death? What is happening at my mind? My thoughts?
Am I going mad? Am I going through depression?
What a year it has been.
Should I freeze my thoughts and my mind? Problems do not see the gregorian calendar. They do not know that it is December. They only take a rest if they kind enough? They have not gone away.
This year has been one of the most challenging year in my life. Met the first death of a sibling. Was an eye opening even though it was expected. Hit hard at the face that death is near we are all ageing.
Next health wise, I haven't been well ever since I can remember. Not sick enough to cause a panic but bad enough to cause unrest, distress and overall depressing mood all year round. As the year end, things are not getting better. The problems are accumulating.
From the bleeding in my gums, to the fear of losing my teeth, fear of mouth cancer, neck and shoulder pains, heel pains, fear of tumour all has been racing through my mind non stop and sad to say it hasn't stopped. It hasn't ended neither do I see the end of the tunnel.
Where to I turn to? I had my faith and that too has became a challenge as I suffer in silent. Only lately do I dare to share with my husband. I questioned my God, I pleaded, I prayed, I scream silently, I mourned; what else have I not done. I searched through my bible for an answer. Silence. I know He is there but the silence is deafening. Is it my fault ? What is wrong? Why? How? It hasn't stopped. When will it end? Have I reached my lowest or is there much more to go on? Will I ever get out of this? Will it end with my death? What is happening at my mind? My thoughts?
Am I going mad? Am I going through depression?
What a year it has been.
Should I freeze my thoughts and my mind? Problems do not see the gregorian calendar. They do not know that it is December. They only take a rest if they kind enough? They have not gone away.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
In Poole
Fast forward, this is the second oversea trip this year after Bali during cny. This time is to UK to bring the whole family together as we visit the youngest child.
27 hours flight and bus ride. Reaching in the middle of the night at 3 am. Caught in the cold weather. Not forgetting the stress before the trip over my Heath and leaving the house .
Seeing her after so many months. Having the children altogether warms up over the cold weather. Satisfied that she is independent and settled. Not that there is no problem but that she can handle everything. After all what more does a mother want.
This trip brought forth many different thoughts on many different things. I realise the many things He wanted me to note and see. The many things He want me to be awaken to. Nothing happy, nothing sad but just knowing, learning, accepting, acknowledging and moving on. Important and essential.
27 hours flight and bus ride. Reaching in the middle of the night at 3 am. Caught in the cold weather. Not forgetting the stress before the trip over my Heath and leaving the house .
Seeing her after so many months. Having the children altogether warms up over the cold weather. Satisfied that she is independent and settled. Not that there is no problem but that she can handle everything. After all what more does a mother want.
This trip brought forth many different thoughts on many different things. I realise the many things He wanted me to note and see. The many things He want me to be awaken to. Nothing happy, nothing sad but just knowing, learning, accepting, acknowledging and moving on. Important and essential.
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