I am but a mother.grabbing on to time knowing very well it will slip and go as it should be. Three children and many times over, if I was expecting it to be easier, less intense, not as painful; I am very much mistaken.As a matter of fact, the pain started earlier, just as bad and just as painful as the very first time 8 years ago.
When the pain was most intense during the birth of my last child, I remember telling my doctor I can't take it , I wasn't ready. HE told me then that the baby won't wait and it has to come to pass. Look like it is the same for every searing pain onwards whatever the cause may be. And reality tells that it is not the last.
So how do I handle it this time and times to come? Do all mothers go through this?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Her
How do I express my feelings?Love? Yes and no. yes as I care. No as I don't feel the pain
Memories! Unfortunately more unpleasant than pleasant.
Grateful? yes for the duties she perform. Unfortunately it is just duties and not out of love.
Others who are related:
At times I could understand how they feel. Other times, sad for her that she evokes only those feelings.I guess it is more sadness for her than anger.
Also their thoughts and actions are far different from mine. No right, no wrong but odd.
Just how sincere and fair? But not for me to ponder.
He, I saw a side of him I should know but never dwell in. But then again, there is no mathematical equation to solve it.
How different will my life be compared to hers?Will it be better or does it matter ultimately as it is His to see deem fit?
p/s Not being able to sleep at 4 am in the morning make me think too much!
Memories! Unfortunately more unpleasant than pleasant.
Grateful? yes for the duties she perform. Unfortunately it is just duties and not out of love.
Others who are related:
At times I could understand how they feel. Other times, sad for her that she evokes only those feelings.I guess it is more sadness for her than anger.
Also their thoughts and actions are far different from mine. No right, no wrong but odd.
Just how sincere and fair? But not for me to ponder.
He, I saw a side of him I should know but never dwell in. But then again, there is no mathematical equation to solve it.
How different will my life be compared to hers?Will it be better or does it matter ultimately as it is His to see deem fit?
p/s Not being able to sleep at 4 am in the morning make me think too much!
4 am Thoughts
Phew!
That has been a long long time since I last blog.As anticipated, has been a very very busy year to date.(remember talking about it right after CNY)
Renovation is top on the list. It is nearly completed but still a long way more to go before it can be called a home it is meant to be.The process brought about physical exhaustion, mental anguish, personal satisfaction, thankfulness to Him for providing the people and the means and everything else. Now is the time to look forward to moving back, settling in,filling in the gaps and then moving on to other things that has been put aside and postponed the last 8 months.
Next, sweetie pie has been back 2 months and is already preparing to leave again.Where did the days go?Enjoyed every moment I can with her and wished it was more.This time round the months will be more before I get to hug her again.With the eldest boy, I looked forward to our Europe trip where I could see him in December that year.This time round, no plans made.
The first is a plus, the second a negative. Do they cancel out? NO. unfortunately life and emotions are just not mathematics.A positive is a positive. and a negative will remain a negative and they will never met.
That has been a long long time since I last blog.As anticipated, has been a very very busy year to date.(remember talking about it right after CNY)
Renovation is top on the list. It is nearly completed but still a long way more to go before it can be called a home it is meant to be.The process brought about physical exhaustion, mental anguish, personal satisfaction, thankfulness to Him for providing the people and the means and everything else. Now is the time to look forward to moving back, settling in,filling in the gaps and then moving on to other things that has been put aside and postponed the last 8 months.
Next, sweetie pie has been back 2 months and is already preparing to leave again.Where did the days go?Enjoyed every moment I can with her and wished it was more.This time round the months will be more before I get to hug her again.With the eldest boy, I looked forward to our Europe trip where I could see him in December that year.This time round, no plans made.
The first is a plus, the second a negative. Do they cancel out? NO. unfortunately life and emotions are just not mathematics.A positive is a positive. and a negative will remain a negative and they will never met.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Again
In the dark of the night, the feeling of fear.
The mixed feeling of praise, thanks then numbness
Why the feelings?
I asked and I pray.
I had to agree I am tired.
Tired of repetition.
Deja Vu.
This is not the first and I am sure it isn't the last.
I don't want to wonder, I
don't want to ponder.,
I am tired.
I want little
But maybe it is too much.
I want to rest
Just let it be.
The mixed feeling of praise, thanks then numbness
Why the feelings?
I asked and I pray.
I had to agree I am tired.
Tired of repetition.
Deja Vu.
This is not the first and I am sure it isn't the last.
I don't want to wonder, I
don't want to ponder.,
I am tired.
I want little
But maybe it is too much.
I want to rest
Just let it be.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Feelings
When you see someone sick, you feel sad,
When someone doesn't appreciate your good deed, you feel disappointed,
When you see a loved one disappointed, you only want to hug and console
When siblings fight, you pray that you will not be the parents,
When closed ones are sceptical of each other, you wish others will not worsen the situation,
When you are not suppose to butt in, you feel so helpless
When things go wrong one after another, you ask for patience
Oh what an assortment of feelings!
When someone doesn't appreciate your good deed, you feel disappointed,
When you see a loved one disappointed, you only want to hug and console
When siblings fight, you pray that you will not be the parents,
When closed ones are sceptical of each other, you wish others will not worsen the situation,
When you are not suppose to butt in, you feel so helpless
When things go wrong one after another, you ask for patience
Oh what an assortment of feelings!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Praise the Lord
Another long and tiring day. Oh My gosh, I can imagine some individuals' glare! A retired lady of leisure saying that!!!
While the renovations is going on, we have to be ready to go shopping with our renovation manager. We have been to tiles shops (I think ) three times, gone shopping for toilet fittings twice each lasting half a day, looked through endless designs for the kitchen cabinets, fittings, wardrobes, colour plates, endless trips to the library to get ideas, yam cha sessions with manager to discuss and finalise ideas. Not forgetting reading quotations and quotations and going through bank accounts to see where the finance is coming from.
Every time, I remember to say my thanks that hubby is retired and alongside to make decisions. I am so thankful too that at times when we are so tired and was saying 'whatever lah', my manager is still so dedicated going through suggestions after suggestions( until he himself forgets some ideas that we agreed upon) thinking through the night on what he should do (honestly, he mails us at 3 am and 5 am). Asked him if he ever sleeps, he said he go for power naps!
Colour plates has been flying through the emails too and he takes the trouble to show us houses he did in Melawati and Kota Damansara and send photos through his phones Many a time, hubby and me were ready to let him make the decisions and he still have energy to go on.Obviously it is his passion.
While all this is going on, I got interested in some investment ideas.I went into it as I always think that if I only live on my savings and fixed deposits interest, I can't even overcome the inflation rates what more survive! After all life is about taking some risks. After hubby retired, he was worried with my ideas and sat down to investigate and probe. Thank goodness, he too is won over. With that, we are busy minimum 2 to 3 days a week.
I too want to get back to my christian courses online which was interrupted when I was without Internet for more than a month.
Phew, I am tired but very very happy feeling blessed with His grace. I really really couldn't stop saying thanks and praising Him. Even when I couldn't sleep at night due to his snoring, I thank God for giving me my hubby! : ) Isn't it fantastic?
While the renovations is going on, we have to be ready to go shopping with our renovation manager. We have been to tiles shops (I think ) three times, gone shopping for toilet fittings twice each lasting half a day, looked through endless designs for the kitchen cabinets, fittings, wardrobes, colour plates, endless trips to the library to get ideas, yam cha sessions with manager to discuss and finalise ideas. Not forgetting reading quotations and quotations and going through bank accounts to see where the finance is coming from.
Every time, I remember to say my thanks that hubby is retired and alongside to make decisions. I am so thankful too that at times when we are so tired and was saying 'whatever lah', my manager is still so dedicated going through suggestions after suggestions( until he himself forgets some ideas that we agreed upon) thinking through the night on what he should do (honestly, he mails us at 3 am and 5 am). Asked him if he ever sleeps, he said he go for power naps!
Colour plates has been flying through the emails too and he takes the trouble to show us houses he did in Melawati and Kota Damansara and send photos through his phones Many a time, hubby and me were ready to let him make the decisions and he still have energy to go on.Obviously it is his passion.
While all this is going on, I got interested in some investment ideas.I went into it as I always think that if I only live on my savings and fixed deposits interest, I can't even overcome the inflation rates what more survive! After all life is about taking some risks. After hubby retired, he was worried with my ideas and sat down to investigate and probe. Thank goodness, he too is won over. With that, we are busy minimum 2 to 3 days a week.
I too want to get back to my christian courses online which was interrupted when I was without Internet for more than a month.
Phew, I am tired but very very happy feeling blessed with His grace. I really really couldn't stop saying thanks and praising Him. Even when I couldn't sleep at night due to his snoring, I thank God for giving me my hubby! : ) Isn't it fantastic?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers' Day
When I first became a mother, my husband celebrated mothers' day for me. I remember him writing on a card telling me that my son is still young. One day, when the children are older they will celebrate mothers' day for me and thus he can go into the background for the day.
Fast forward a quarter of a century, today I have three children age 27, 24 and 21.So how did I celebrate mothers' day this year? My second child who has just got his first salary wanted to 'surprise ' me with a bouquet of flowers. Being a practical mother, and a 'too smart' one, I didn't want him to spend so much especially when I don't even have a vase to put the flowers in my temporary home now (so say daddy...... he hasn't faded into the background) So daddy bought a cake on the son's behalf and we shot down to Muar since the son from Muar couldn't come back to KL due to work commitments.
Eldest boy paid for lunch and dinner ( so daddy save the day's food bill. ha ha ha . I guess he faded off in that sense)
The youngest is studying in UK so obviously, at best she could only be on skype. What more with her finals on next week. It was good that she could even give us the half an hour when I cut the cake.
So how is today compared to the same day approximately 25 years ago? I loved the children, hugged them and kiss them as much as I did all through the years. I loved without reservations and I am as proud of them as I was 25 years ago. I thank God for the three of them and I enjoyed and treasured all the days and minutes I have with them. I was well aware of the empty nest syndrome even as far back as 5 years ago.
As any mother does, I went through their ups and downs and sat for every exams they went through. and felt the pain and disappointments with them as well as their happiness.
Today, though I love them so very much, I had to remind myself to let go of them as they spread their wings.I shouldn't and can't cuddle them as they cross every barrier but could only pray a mother's prayer more and more fervently.I need to not suffocate them but rather look calm while I tear my hair out. (What a skill!)
I guess with those thoughts in mind, I couldn't stand up at church today when they honour mothers. Without them by my side I am not a mother. I am just a lady who brought up 3 kids.
Happy Mothers' Day to all mothers at all stages of your life.
Fast forward a quarter of a century, today I have three children age 27, 24 and 21.So how did I celebrate mothers' day this year? My second child who has just got his first salary wanted to 'surprise ' me with a bouquet of flowers. Being a practical mother, and a 'too smart' one, I didn't want him to spend so much especially when I don't even have a vase to put the flowers in my temporary home now (so say daddy...... he hasn't faded into the background) So daddy bought a cake on the son's behalf and we shot down to Muar since the son from Muar couldn't come back to KL due to work commitments.
Eldest boy paid for lunch and dinner ( so daddy save the day's food bill. ha ha ha . I guess he faded off in that sense)
The youngest is studying in UK so obviously, at best she could only be on skype. What more with her finals on next week. It was good that she could even give us the half an hour when I cut the cake.
So how is today compared to the same day approximately 25 years ago? I loved the children, hugged them and kiss them as much as I did all through the years. I loved without reservations and I am as proud of them as I was 25 years ago. I thank God for the three of them and I enjoyed and treasured all the days and minutes I have with them. I was well aware of the empty nest syndrome even as far back as 5 years ago.
As any mother does, I went through their ups and downs and sat for every exams they went through. and felt the pain and disappointments with them as well as their happiness.
Today, though I love them so very much, I had to remind myself to let go of them as they spread their wings.I shouldn't and can't cuddle them as they cross every barrier but could only pray a mother's prayer more and more fervently.I need to not suffocate them but rather look calm while I tear my hair out. (What a skill!)
I guess with those thoughts in mind, I couldn't stand up at church today when they honour mothers. Without them by my side I am not a mother. I am just a lady who brought up 3 kids.
Happy Mothers' Day to all mothers at all stages of your life.
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