How I feel

when I hear of me I chee dying, I have deep fear. Fear of being like her, fear of my cancer spreading. I start to feel a foment discomfort thinking of bone cancer and stomach cancer. Then I look at my hand and the swelling wondering if it will ever end. I feel lousy. Fearful, depressed.i Brooke down.
I pray and I pray. I pray that God hear me, see my fear, heal me.
I next tell Him I don't want to die. I ask fOr 10 more years. He gave so many others so many years can he give me just 10 years. Then you realise it is individual what he gave others has nothing to do with what he will give me. I feel down and down. I am not even telling my family about nothing.
I pray and I pray. Then I look at the way my husband and my sons are loving me. What they have gone through the last six months. Nursing me, driving me at least once a week to hospital. The physical strain my husband went through. The emotional of sadness but giving me a positive look to boost me up. It has to be tiring for him.physically and emotional.
Ed has to postpone his career movement, go through leave plans and changing working schedule, rushing in and out. How he purchase anything that he think wills contribute to my wellbeing, hats, machines, how to tie scarves
Adrian has grown up a lot, helping in all the ways he can. Being home as much as possible.
Tes the family has gone through a lot. If God wants to take me, maybe it is because the family needs a relieve. I thank them for all the love. I am at peace. It is ok. Pray Lord to make it peaceful and not painful
Thank you Lord for this family.thank you Lord for the grace

High and low

there are days when you are high. You feel you are having God behind you and nothing can defeat you. I have been prepping myself up and has been successful. I tot I manage it. But no I must have new challenges. Two round into new regime I must have heart palpitations and high pulse rate.it tired me out and push me down I am beginning to feel depressed.
Not only I can help, l need to be. Helped for most things.this is the time when you don't mind dying.if God has no function for me here and I only add to burden, you know your existence is of no used.i am prepared to saymygoodbye and pray that the family is tired enough to say goodbye.
I will see what I need to do but really God I has been and is always a simple person. Nothing complicated nothing demanding. Just that you decide my life should be otherwise