I was talking to my sweetie pie as she pack from her present place to move to her new place . She also need to pack to come back home for two months. Boxes have to be send to her new place , new apartment need to be found,work is still going on and she has to decide not only how but also what to pack to go where. My heart goes out to her as I could feel her thoughts and the decisions that she has to make. As a mum, my heart aches for her and wishes so much that I could be there to help. I obviously can't as I am thousands of kilometres away from my little baby
So what could I do but to ask questions and comments as I watch helplessly.
Her reaction to my actions was that I was checking on and evaluating her capability in finishing the tasks ahead. Obviously I know she was wrong in her thoughts. I am not angry as my heart still goes out to her.
But it brought me to realise that it has been a recurring happening with my children when many a times, they felt that I was testing them, analysing and judging them. I did some soul searching. I realised that their words and feelings are identical to those I said and felt when I was the daughter. I felt the same way and uttered the same words with my mum years ago.
My next thought is why it happened. I tried to remember why I felt that way and why I said those words. I then realised that I had always wanted to be the child my mum would be proud off. I always felt that I couldn't attain the standard she had set for me. That is why I always felt that she is belittling me and checking on me. I now realised that they were actually actions stem from concern and love for me. She wasn't judging but was trying to help in her own helpless way. Back to the future, I now need to stem out the wrong message send out. I need to think about how I should express my love without stressing them out. What different words should I use, how should I approach the situation in future.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Roller coaster thots
Haven't been feeling too well lately. Chest congestion and tired. Obviously that will make me think of many things.
Death. ........... I think I choose cremation and then ashes in the sea. Clean and finished. Good to know that all are independent and that will allow me to move on with a light heart.
Pulpit speaker say we rejoice as we go nearer because we will be with The Lord faster. Sorry I can't achieved that level of feelings yet. So much more love I want to shower.
A bout of happiness, a round of sadness. Relieved but also tired.
Death. ........... I think I choose cremation and then ashes in the sea. Clean and finished. Good to know that all are independent and that will allow me to move on with a light heart.
Pulpit speaker say we rejoice as we go nearer because we will be with The Lord faster. Sorry I can't achieved that level of feelings yet. So much more love I want to shower.
A bout of happiness, a round of sadness. Relieved but also tired.
Friday, July 5, 2013
SMK(L) Bukit Bintang
This is the school I did two years of per u studies
This is the school I first met my husband.
This is the school I did my teaching practise
This is the school I spend 95 percent of my teaching career
This is the school where I was a student, teacher, administrator and also an OBA committee member.
This is the school my sons went through their secondary school life
This is the school that I was so much part of at all levels not out of choice and seriously not out of instant love.
This week the school sees the retirement of two administrators who are also good friends. Ever since I left it seven years ago, I had wanted to go back just to see the school and ex colleagues . For various reasons, I did not. Now, the reasons get smaller and more distant. It is the ending of an era of my involvement with SMK (L) BB.
The school is unique in a way. The first four headmasters whom I have the privilege to know comes in sizes s, m, l and a lady all very different in physical sense. They are four different races and they each have years and years in the school.
The students are unique too. We have the powerful, the best , the rich, the poor. Most from the 70s through the change of the century have a common opinion of the school if ever they are called back. Personally I think they are wonderful and they have strong attachment to certain teachers.
Other personal opinions are best not said or written.
Happy retirement to my two friends
This is the school I first met my husband.
This is the school I did my teaching practise
This is the school I spend 95 percent of my teaching career
This is the school where I was a student, teacher, administrator and also an OBA committee member.
This is the school my sons went through their secondary school life
This is the school that I was so much part of at all levels not out of choice and seriously not out of instant love.
This week the school sees the retirement of two administrators who are also good friends. Ever since I left it seven years ago, I had wanted to go back just to see the school and ex colleagues . For various reasons, I did not. Now, the reasons get smaller and more distant. It is the ending of an era of my involvement with SMK (L) BB.
The school is unique in a way. The first four headmasters whom I have the privilege to know comes in sizes s, m, l and a lady all very different in physical sense. They are four different races and they each have years and years in the school.
The students are unique too. We have the powerful, the best , the rich, the poor. Most from the 70s through the change of the century have a common opinion of the school if ever they are called back. Personally I think they are wonderful and they have strong attachment to certain teachers.
Other personal opinions are best not said or written.
Happy retirement to my two friends
Siblings
From the viewpoint of parents, they pray that there is love and loyalty. From the spouses directions, they wonder why they are like that. For the siblings themselves, well .......... They are people you are genetically linked not due to your choice. You share a lot of similarities but are never the same. sometimes they are a pain in the neck, at other times, they are the first people you turn to. they are people you can talk to. they are also the ones that gives you the most bias opinions. They are people you are sometimes jealous of, they are the same people you can't get the concern out when they are in trouble.
And they say love is complicated. I think siblings are a mixed jumble of feelings and more complicated.
And they say love is complicated. I think siblings are a mixed jumble of feelings and more complicated.
The best to become headmasters
Phew, at last, they came to their senses when it comes to choosing administrators in school
The fact that they must be a class above should be obvious. After all they have a group of teachers and hundreds of young people in their hands. Why shouldn't they be a class above when they are going to determine the school direction and the future of so many young people?
Out with HM s who doesn't know the basic ministry's ruling and instructions. Out with HEM who doesn't put students affairs above all else. They better know how to disciple, why they discipline and when to discipline. PK and GKM must have a vision of the academic achievement and a good idea of how to attain it.
Have a vision for the future. Know where the school should be heading, in a year, in two years, in five years.
More importantly, make sure you get the respect of the teachers who are going to help you see things through. Getting their agreement, making them want to contribute and not have to contribute.
If I have a say , all promotions should start with a simple test to show that they have basic knowledge of what is expected of them. Next have a 6 months probation period to see if they are suitable and if they themselves are ready for the challenge .
Okay, now I am getting myself into big trouble hahahaa. All teachers and administrators will swear at me. So sorry the above is just my personal opinion. No affence meant to anyone. And I will never have a say so that will put things back to what it is today. Just an old lady silly rantings
The fact that they must be a class above should be obvious. After all they have a group of teachers and hundreds of young people in their hands. Why shouldn't they be a class above when they are going to determine the school direction and the future of so many young people?
Out with HM s who doesn't know the basic ministry's ruling and instructions. Out with HEM who doesn't put students affairs above all else. They better know how to disciple, why they discipline and when to discipline. PK and GKM must have a vision of the academic achievement and a good idea of how to attain it.
Have a vision for the future. Know where the school should be heading, in a year, in two years, in five years.
More importantly, make sure you get the respect of the teachers who are going to help you see things through. Getting their agreement, making them want to contribute and not have to contribute.
If I have a say , all promotions should start with a simple test to show that they have basic knowledge of what is expected of them. Next have a 6 months probation period to see if they are suitable and if they themselves are ready for the challenge .
Okay, now I am getting myself into big trouble hahahaa. All teachers and administrators will swear at me. So sorry the above is just my personal opinion. No affence meant to anyone. And I will never have a say so that will put things back to what it is today. Just an old lady silly rantings
Ironing
Most housewives hate the thought of ironing. I guess because it is hot, tiring and never ending.
For me, I love the ironing time. That is the time I would be reflecting on things past and present, articles I read and things people say. I guess it is also the time I do most of my literally virtual blogging because most of those thoughts never made it in writing here.
It builds me up in a sweat frenzy and I imagine myself doing a sauna and it is nice to think that my sweat pores are all opened to get rid of dirt and toxin.
Thirdly, it gives me a chance to pamper my children ( those days including my hubby). I like the thought that they have a bit of my love with them everyday as they step out into the world. After all how long more can I do that before their new 'queen' of their life takes over! Not that it is bad.
For me, I love the ironing time. That is the time I would be reflecting on things past and present, articles I read and things people say. I guess it is also the time I do most of my literally virtual blogging because most of those thoughts never made it in writing here.
It builds me up in a sweat frenzy and I imagine myself doing a sauna and it is nice to think that my sweat pores are all opened to get rid of dirt and toxin.
Thirdly, it gives me a chance to pamper my children ( those days including my hubby). I like the thought that they have a bit of my love with them everyday as they step out into the world. After all how long more can I do that before their new 'queen' of their life takes over! Not that it is bad.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Did we play our part well?
Yesterday we completed a hongkie drama that showed the worst side of children who were looking out for the widowed mother's money and discarding her to start their own life, a teenage son who can't communicate with a single parent father, a daughter in law having problems living with the elderly parents, nosy neighbors that worsen situations, overprotective seniors and more. I didn't like the show at first because it is so negative with no good guys at all. I always felt that life has enough negative vibes without having to be reminded of it while relaxing! However towards the end, I realized that it brings forth many thoughts as it is a very real life situation apart from the high density of poor side of us and its dramatization .
I thus begin to wonder
1. As parents, did we make a conscious effort to teach our children about being grateful , appreciation of little things, tolerance, handling differences, seeing things from another's point of view
2. Do we stay quiet, quietly reflecting when things go wrong, reexamine ourselves and our behavior .
3. Do we realize that when an in law moved in with you, it means a lot of adjustment on all sides but that is why love and respect must exist to overcome. Anyway that is a big part of marriage. Marriage is not the ceremonial day with ribbons, fun and a banquet. It is about sharing a life together, finding a balance and much more. Parents has a role today in letting go, children has a responsibility to care for the old.
4. Wives need to find an identity for themselves, help to keep a family to gather and submit to the one you love. On the other hand, a husband role is to provide not forgetting balance work with home and his family.
5. When things go wrong were we thought to look inwards and not always outwards?
And many more.
I had to admit I didn't consciously and formally taught my children and my students the values but I hope my being me had influenced them to be a better person. Don't take things wholesale, reflect, if my contributions is positive, remember it, use it. Otherwise, do discard the negative and make yourselves a better person than me.
It is time for us to realise that formal education and the society around us might not be the influence we want for ourselves. We need to learn to analyse, extract and discard appropriately especially when influence is far and wide.
I thus begin to wonder
1. As parents, did we make a conscious effort to teach our children about being grateful , appreciation of little things, tolerance, handling differences, seeing things from another's point of view
2. Do we stay quiet, quietly reflecting when things go wrong, reexamine ourselves and our behavior .
3. Do we realize that when an in law moved in with you, it means a lot of adjustment on all sides but that is why love and respect must exist to overcome. Anyway that is a big part of marriage. Marriage is not the ceremonial day with ribbons, fun and a banquet. It is about sharing a life together, finding a balance and much more. Parents has a role today in letting go, children has a responsibility to care for the old.
4. Wives need to find an identity for themselves, help to keep a family to gather and submit to the one you love. On the other hand, a husband role is to provide not forgetting balance work with home and his family.
5. When things go wrong were we thought to look inwards and not always outwards?
And many more.
I had to admit I didn't consciously and formally taught my children and my students the values but I hope my being me had influenced them to be a better person. Don't take things wholesale, reflect, if my contributions is positive, remember it, use it. Otherwise, do discard the negative and make yourselves a better person than me.
It is time for us to realise that formal education and the society around us might not be the influence we want for ourselves. We need to learn to analyse, extract and discard appropriately especially when influence is far and wide.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Saying bye bye to my girl
If this blog is human, she would be very upset for I only thinks of her when I am sad. Forgive me at many times, you are the only one I could talk to freely in times like this.
Browsing through my last few blogs, I can draw conclusion that the children's location effects me much. I prayed, I talked to myself, I tried not to think about it but I just can't say that I am over it. I know it is wrong, I know I shouldn't. I know I mustn't but I just miss each and everyone of my children badly. Don't get me wrong. Not that I don't miss my husband. Just that he is always with me.
As my daughter leaves the home, it as just like it was eons ago when the eldest left me. The pain is so great that it feels like a searing tearing of a part of me. a pain can't be described. Again I always ask why I can't get used to it but it is in vain.I never learn, I will never get used to it.
Sometimes it is frightening to think how it will affect me physically. The pain in the chest feel so real. the collapsing of the body is like that of giving up.
So I know I have to work harder on it. I have to pray harder. I need to be able to sit in the chair I shared with her with tearing. I need to look at her photos without wetting my face.
Browsing through my last few blogs, I can draw conclusion that the children's location effects me much. I prayed, I talked to myself, I tried not to think about it but I just can't say that I am over it. I know it is wrong, I know I shouldn't. I know I mustn't but I just miss each and everyone of my children badly. Don't get me wrong. Not that I don't miss my husband. Just that he is always with me.
As my daughter leaves the home, it as just like it was eons ago when the eldest left me. The pain is so great that it feels like a searing tearing of a part of me. a pain can't be described. Again I always ask why I can't get used to it but it is in vain.I never learn, I will never get used to it.
Sometimes it is frightening to think how it will affect me physically. The pain in the chest feel so real. the collapsing of the body is like that of giving up.
So I know I have to work harder on it. I have to pray harder. I need to be able to sit in the chair I shared with her with tearing. I need to look at her photos without wetting my face.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
What now?
What happens as your children grows up and leave the nest?
A question I have ponder many a time.The house looks bigger, the rooms are emptier.Do you do up a room and wait and wait for the day that one of them might drop by one day?
As a parent you would and want to. You will then patiently dust and clean and wait for that one day.
As a practical person, you realize it is like training an army for years to use them for one day. Is it stupid? Is it worth the effort? Should one forget about the years of training sitting down anticipating the war? Or should we just forget about it and just life life as it is .After all what is the worst thing that can happen is that one dies in a war. And everybody dies one day. Is all the years of anticipating and stress worth it? After all the more one anticipate, the more one stretch out to see, the longer one's neck get and the more painful it becomes.In the end it could very well all in vain.
On the other hand, no one will tell you that a country be without an army.It is expected of you. Deep down you also want to raise that army.even if you know that it is useless or worse still , a coup can happen
So the million dollar question in 2013 is........... what now?
A question I have ponder many a time.The house looks bigger, the rooms are emptier.Do you do up a room and wait and wait for the day that one of them might drop by one day?
As a parent you would and want to. You will then patiently dust and clean and wait for that one day.
As a practical person, you realize it is like training an army for years to use them for one day. Is it stupid? Is it worth the effort? Should one forget about the years of training sitting down anticipating the war? Or should we just forget about it and just life life as it is .After all what is the worst thing that can happen is that one dies in a war. And everybody dies one day. Is all the years of anticipating and stress worth it? After all the more one anticipate, the more one stretch out to see, the longer one's neck get and the more painful it becomes.In the end it could very well all in vain.
On the other hand, no one will tell you that a country be without an army.It is expected of you. Deep down you also want to raise that army.even if you know that it is useless or worse still , a coup can happen
So the million dollar question in 2013 is........... what now?
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