At midnight tonight 2009 will come to a close and brings us the new year 2010.
It has been an eventul year for me. In the middle third of the year I had a cancer scare and after getting a second opinion , a D & C, the big C was cancelled out. Next came the 6 months medication which brought about the total dissappearance of my much trouble giving fibroids. At present it look as if it also mark the onset of my menopause with my palpitation problems.
All these got me sitting down and dwell on life and death, how I felt about leaving my kids and finally surrendering my life to Him again.
On the family front, changes in the family structure brought about quite a bit of anxiety to me and hubby. For me, I don't know whether the anxiety came first or the change. Whatever it is, I pray that all will turn out fine for everybody with minimal hurt and pain especially to my special love.
On the cyberworld, I was reminded how blessed I am as I got connected with so many of my ex students who felt that I still has a place in their life. I had a drink and short chat with one them this afternoon that brings about further reminder to me that it is true that I did touch life as I went along.
Coming to the children, A moves along well and ended the year with a new job beginning next year. I believe He will look after him as he goes along. E looks more relaxed after his EOS and ended the year with a semi 2 months holiday in Singapore. His stint also allows the family to reconnect with my sister, and her kids. It was a good reminder once again of those whom we love and who loved us.Little sweetheart is still the happiness of the family bringing tears of laughter and smiles to everyone with her antics. She is growing up fine.
With that, happy new year to all and may 2010 brings everything we wish for to all my loved ones including my family friends and ex-students.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Having live with her for 26 years listening to her complains, scoldings, swearing and all else help me to know her through and through. I know what are the things she is capable of including dealing with charms and all these is so frightening.
All these years I hear her scolding and targets of her scolding and swearing includes mtself, my parents, ,my siblings, her siblings, her relatives, her inlaws and practically everyone that comes along her way. How she tries to turn their children against their parents. How she was the saviour of everyone and everything.
I ignored all these for 26 years. Now the spear is coming nearer ans nearer. it is approaching my children and that means ultimately me.
At this instant I am just very tired.
All these years I hear her scolding and targets of her scolding and swearing includes mtself, my parents, ,my siblings, her siblings, her relatives, her inlaws and practically everyone that comes along her way. How she tries to turn their children against their parents. How she was the saviour of everyone and everything.
I ignored all these for 26 years. Now the spear is coming nearer ans nearer. it is approaching my children and that means ultimately me.
At this instant I am just very tired.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Wows
To love and to cherish
For better or worse
In sickness and in health
So easily and eagerly said,
So hard to carry out.
When we said our marriage wows, it came so automatically and natural on that fateful day that we give it no second thoughts
If we are lucky we never have to recollect what we promise on the day Oh what bliss that will be.
In times of turmoil and junctions of our life, when we have to face the truth and make a choice, demonstrate or carry out this promise, only then do people find it so very hard. When we have to choose, when we have to put our foot down, when we have to show we meant it, the weight of that promise weight so heavily upon us that we wish all evidence of it is gone.
life is fragile, love is even more delicate. If we don't conciously define what we want and place our priority, all could be confusing and painful especially when others are selfish.
And with a soft blow, all can go up in smoke. In the end, we found out that we are the only losers but by then, all is lost and gone.
For better or worse
In sickness and in health
So easily and eagerly said,
So hard to carry out.
When we said our marriage wows, it came so automatically and natural on that fateful day that we give it no second thoughts
If we are lucky we never have to recollect what we promise on the day Oh what bliss that will be.
In times of turmoil and junctions of our life, when we have to face the truth and make a choice, demonstrate or carry out this promise, only then do people find it so very hard. When we have to choose, when we have to put our foot down, when we have to show we meant it, the weight of that promise weight so heavily upon us that we wish all evidence of it is gone.
life is fragile, love is even more delicate. If we don't conciously define what we want and place our priority, all could be confusing and painful especially when others are selfish.
And with a soft blow, all can go up in smoke. In the end, we found out that we are the only losers but by then, all is lost and gone.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Era Update
The light is flickering but I am going to make sure it goes on lighting. I am even willing to let go other things. I am furious enough . Too bad if others don't sense it.
End or an Era or Start of an Era
It is like the end of an era, a long overdue end.Hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel will not flicker off but grow brighter.
For 20 over years, I had been submitting and 'yun'. I step aside, I step back. I allowed my personal life to be taken over by her. All for the peace in the house and for his peace of mind. I have reach the end of the road. It has been coming and no one wanted to face it. Everyone thought it will be a phase that will go off. I too wanted it to be but I found out that when I take a step backwards, she takes a step forward and that I decide is not the way it should be. I finally stood up and say that's it.
I want to take over my role as the mother of my children, mistress of my home and family. I will start to decide where to place my things in my house, get my privacy of my own room, walk to every part of my house at any time of the day,openly goes for holiday, spend my own hard earned money the way I want to for a better quality of life. I want to be able to throw away things I don't want, buy things I want, use things the way I want.I want to be able to sit down in my own hall and read the newspaper and watch the TV.I want to tell the helper what and how to clean my house. I want to invite who I want to my house at any time. In short I want to be me leading my own life in my own home.
I hope to do it with the loyalty of my loved ones but if they decide otherwise. I will accept it because I believe at some part of my life I want to put myself first. I need to be selfish sometimes because I am the only one I know will stay with me for the rest of my life. As I was forced to drove away from my own home in my loneliness, tears and pain that morning,I decided it is only me for myself. I am the only one that will never leave me at all times.It is OK. We all need to wake up at some part of our life. It is going to be a big change and it is going to be tough for me but I think it is long dued and I will walk through it. After this, I am awake to reality.
In the darkest of my hours, years leading to my mother's death and after, months before I resign from my job, and these few weeks, I feel so alone. No, nobody please don't take offence. It is not because you all were not there. It is just that you didn't know exactly my feelings and it is not your fault. It is partly because I don't share completely and I don't ask or insist you are not at fault again.I spend a lot of hours alone, sometimes yearning for that hug, that comforting right words and the mere presence. Maybe it is the passage of life I need to go through. In the darkness of the night, it can be cold and quiet. But I grow stronger.This time, I feel the presence of my mother. Mama rest in peace. I know you love me but you have done all you can bringing me up. I know the pain you feel now but it's ok. Your daughter will survive. I know you are beside me. Go in peace.
To the sister, her hubby, her maid, my brother thanks for being there every second. I know how much you have done.You are truly loyal and I feel so comforted. Right now the road is mine to walk. I know you are always be there when I stretch out my hands just the way you will stay in the shadow when I am well.
Note: With due respect for me, no comments for this blog
For 20 over years, I had been submitting and 'yun'. I step aside, I step back. I allowed my personal life to be taken over by her. All for the peace in the house and for his peace of mind. I have reach the end of the road. It has been coming and no one wanted to face it. Everyone thought it will be a phase that will go off. I too wanted it to be but I found out that when I take a step backwards, she takes a step forward and that I decide is not the way it should be. I finally stood up and say that's it.
I want to take over my role as the mother of my children, mistress of my home and family. I will start to decide where to place my things in my house, get my privacy of my own room, walk to every part of my house at any time of the day,openly goes for holiday, spend my own hard earned money the way I want to for a better quality of life. I want to be able to throw away things I don't want, buy things I want, use things the way I want.I want to be able to sit down in my own hall and read the newspaper and watch the TV.I want to tell the helper what and how to clean my house. I want to invite who I want to my house at any time. In short I want to be me leading my own life in my own home.
I hope to do it with the loyalty of my loved ones but if they decide otherwise. I will accept it because I believe at some part of my life I want to put myself first. I need to be selfish sometimes because I am the only one I know will stay with me for the rest of my life. As I was forced to drove away from my own home in my loneliness, tears and pain that morning,I decided it is only me for myself. I am the only one that will never leave me at all times.It is OK. We all need to wake up at some part of our life. It is going to be a big change and it is going to be tough for me but I think it is long dued and I will walk through it. After this, I am awake to reality.
In the darkest of my hours, years leading to my mother's death and after, months before I resign from my job, and these few weeks, I feel so alone. No, nobody please don't take offence. It is not because you all were not there. It is just that you didn't know exactly my feelings and it is not your fault. It is partly because I don't share completely and I don't ask or insist you are not at fault again.I spend a lot of hours alone, sometimes yearning for that hug, that comforting right words and the mere presence. Maybe it is the passage of life I need to go through. In the darkness of the night, it can be cold and quiet. But I grow stronger.This time, I feel the presence of my mother. Mama rest in peace. I know you love me but you have done all you can bringing me up. I know the pain you feel now but it's ok. Your daughter will survive. I know you are beside me. Go in peace.
To the sister, her hubby, her maid, my brother thanks for being there every second. I know how much you have done.You are truly loyal and I feel so comforted. Right now the road is mine to walk. I know you are always be there when I stretch out my hands just the way you will stay in the shadow when I am well.
Note: With due respect for me, no comments for this blog
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