cancer two months ago is so alien. Beginning of the year heard that me I chee has it and she is about the only person I know personally that is a patient. I can't even think of another person I know. Today it is me!
I wish I have a magic formula but I don't. I don't know how to react and what to do. It brings you down on your knees and you only have Him for support.
You don't know if it ever ends. And when and how it ends. A painful death is so frightening.
So you kinda think you don't mind dying fast. But than dying is so sad. So your mood turn bad.
Then you tell yourself to be happy so that you can fight this monster and so the circle turns. Not only does it turn it goes up and down with your mood.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Friday, October 30, 2015
Surrender
this morning I know the most important reason why I am not going for chemotherapy any more.
It not only bring the worse of my character and temper, it takes me away from my God.
Yesterday at the specialist dentist, I was taken aback when he prayed for me. I now realised that God has been really really sending his people around me every corner I turn. The oncologist the dentists,he hasn't left me.
But in my pain and desperation I had been unfaithful. I doubted him and I shut him out. I am sorry God. I am so sorry. At that instant I realised cannot let this cancer treatment do that to me. I am now more sure it is s the right decision to make. I cannot let it take my god away from me.
Today I am going to surrender not only my soul and spirit but literally my body over to Him. It is His temple after all. My job is yo keep it as clean as possible. The rest is His to do. The day will come when he decides the take my soul back and throw away this body. I will be there in no pain to say. Your will not mine
It not only bring the worse of my character and temper, it takes me away from my God.
Yesterday at the specialist dentist, I was taken aback when he prayed for me. I now realised that God has been really really sending his people around me every corner I turn. The oncologist the dentists,he hasn't left me.
But in my pain and desperation I had been unfaithful. I doubted him and I shut him out. I am sorry God. I am so sorry. At that instant I realised cannot let this cancer treatment do that to me. I am now more sure it is s the right decision to make. I cannot let it take my god away from me.
Today I am going to surrender not only my soul and spirit but literally my body over to Him. It is His temple after all. My job is yo keep it as clean as possible. The rest is His to do. The day will come when he decides the take my soul back and throw away this body. I will be there in no pain to say. Your will not mine
Thursday, October 29, 2015
16 th day after first round
I am so angry, the sores are getting worst and today is 16 days after chemotherapy. I am suppose to eat to strengthen my abode for the next bashing. Right now I am still talking about getting out of the downhill effect of the first round
What the lump did to me
The little two cm li lump and the five nodes had made me into a person I hate.
I became the selfish person I am thinking only about me, my pain, my sufferings. And it is a person I hate
It made me doubt my faiths, the existence of the god that I have always prayed to, wondering about the love he talks about he has for me. It shakes me up so much that I don't think rationally any more. And I don't want to think. I only react
And I react angrily, so angry with the world and everything that goes with it.
People kind words are no longer welcomed. Their Wellington tension if not carried further becomes a hated thing instead of being kinder
I hate it I hate I hate it, I hate what it is doing to me and I hate it more when I don't know when it can subside.
The sores are not going away d. For everyone that is subsiding slightly , another one comes up stronger. When will it end. So far one one has fully gone but three or four more has come up. When when when when will it end
At the beginning, it was denial, when I accepted it, I was ready to fight. I had the books, the puzzle and the bible all ready. Then I realise every little step was actually a giant mountain to my body and my soul. It whack me hard and then I decided to just look at one day at a time. Then it slap me and made me lost my senses.then you say you win, I sit back. It was still not satisfied, the bashing still come none stop till I say ok I am ready to go, just take me. Still no stop, I have now been reduced to say, just give me a moment of peace when you take me. If God has ang existence or any care or other forme, just give my last days painless and peaceful and fast
This is what the lump has done to me. And I hate it
I became the selfish person I am thinking only about me, my pain, my sufferings. And it is a person I hate
It made me doubt my faiths, the existence of the god that I have always prayed to, wondering about the love he talks about he has for me. It shakes me up so much that I don't think rationally any more. And I don't want to think. I only react
And I react angrily, so angry with the world and everything that goes with it.
People kind words are no longer welcomed. Their Wellington tension if not carried further becomes a hated thing instead of being kinder
I hate it I hate I hate it, I hate what it is doing to me and I hate it more when I don't know when it can subside.
The sores are not going away d. For everyone that is subsiding slightly , another one comes up stronger. When will it end. So far one one has fully gone but three or four more has come up. When when when when will it end
At the beginning, it was denial, when I accepted it, I was ready to fight. I had the books, the puzzle and the bible all ready. Then I realise every little step was actually a giant mountain to my body and my soul. It whack me hard and then I decided to just look at one day at a time. Then it slap me and made me lost my senses.then you say you win, I sit back. It was still not satisfied, the bashing still come none stop till I say ok I am ready to go, just take me. Still no stop, I have now been reduced to say, just give me a moment of peace when you take me. If God has ang existence or any care or other forme, just give my last days painless and peaceful and fast
This is what the lump has done to me. And I hate it
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Praying for my family's faith
in all these, I am at peace to find
Out that the husband and the children has not lose their faith in you lord. I might lose sight of you and I want to be back to you every time. I know it is wrong but sometimes it takes s just so difficult. But the last thing I want is for anyone especially my family to lose you because of me.
Thank you lord for still keeping them with you. May they never lose you. In Jesus name I pray amen
Out that the husband and the children has not lose their faith in you lord. I might lose sight of you and I want to be back to you every time. I know it is wrong but sometimes it takes s just so difficult. But the last thing I want is for anyone especially my family to lose you because of me.
Thank you lord for still keeping them with you. May they never lose you. In Jesus name I pray amen
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
I don't want
i just spend nearly two hours with Audrey won the Skype and I can't speak a word. That is not what I want. This is ridiculous!
I go in to bath and as I rub shampoo, I only felt hair on my hand. It is so dramatic but I can't say anything.
I came out and daddy prayed for me but I feel so void. Ed hold my hands and I feel nothing in my mind.
I just want to collapse into a hole and stay there.i want to go to sleep and sleep through it and if it never ends, I don't want to wake up
Stay positive stay positive stay positive. But how to stay positive.
I am not sure if I am having constipation but really nothing much is coming out. What comes out is not hard but really can't push
No appetite no nothing. Can I just stare and have no relation.that is exactly how I feel. Nothing
I go in to bath and as I rub shampoo, I only felt hair on my hand. It is so dramatic but I can't say anything.
I came out and daddy prayed for me but I feel so void. Ed hold my hands and I feel nothing in my mind.
I just want to collapse into a hole and stay there.i want to go to sleep and sleep through it and if it never ends, I don't want to wake up
Stay positive stay positive stay positive. But how to stay positive.
I am not sure if I am having constipation but really nothing much is coming out. What comes out is not hard but really can't push
No appetite no nothing. Can I just stare and have no relation.that is exactly how I feel. Nothing
Why post
why am I posting every few minutes. That is because I don't know how much time I have left and I can't talk so this is my only means
In this journey, I found those true friends who made the extra extra effort. Extra because like others a they do t know what to do but felt they must do something.
Those constantly at my side are yokes, my lay swan, Kay wan, my sister
Those who felt that they have to do something are also plenty. Can't blame them. Everyone have their own life and we are just a minuscule part of it.
There are those who did all they could at that moment of need. Those who send contacts for help and tried to make things better. They tried
And of course those ........
No regrets. I have no request, no e pectations, I have no anger with anyone.i a m at peace.
Just want to let them know I am grateful for for every little thing done. I can't thank you but only pray that God bless you
In this journey, I found those true friends who made the extra extra effort. Extra because like others a they do t know what to do but felt they must do something.
Those constantly at my side are yokes, my lay swan, Kay wan, my sister
Those who felt that they have to do something are also plenty. Can't blame them. Everyone have their own life and we are just a minuscule part of it.
There are those who did all they could at that moment of need. Those who send contacts for help and tried to make things better. They tried
And of course those ........
No regrets. I have no request, no e pectations, I have no anger with anyone.i a m at peace.
Just want to let them know I am grateful for for every little thing done. I can't thank you but only pray that God bless you
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