Two days later

I really feel I am not ready to die.

I prayed and prayed until I am suspicious whether I am praying right or if God is hearing me. I am frightened but not sure why. The children are ok, why am I scared of dying. Maybe I just don't want to die yet. Not while I still want to spend time with my husband, cuddling up to him. Not while I feel I am just not ready. But then when is it God wait for us to say ready. He decides everything. So is he deciding that time is up for me

I am so desperate that I am trying anything that sounds right. I am taking turmeric in high dosage until I am scared I have side effects. Constipated and headache but that doesn't seem to be the side effect listed. Maybe I am not taking enough water. I took to green tea. I am taking reserve. I am taking soursop. I am desperate. And I can't says much. Matthew is scared. I can see and he doesn't want me to say anything negative.but I know he is scared so I can't say anything to scare him further. I had to put on a strong front.

The children. Edmund is concerned and try to be a tower. But I am sacred he sees so much death in his job he will be immune. Adrian knows he has to be concern but he has a world of his own. He thinks that avoiding it the thing will go away. So he has his own program me and stays away. In a way it hurts me to see him put his dead friend more important than me. But then, his world. I can't force anything out of him but it hurts and I can't say anything again to Matthew cuz he doesn't like. Me to feel sad or angry with the children. Again denial syndrome.

Audrey, I know she cares and is concern but she is so far away not much she can do but just be there with a phone besides her.

I also feel that some journeys has to be taken on my own. I can't expect anyone nor can they travel with me. I turn to God . And hold him to his world that he will not leave me nor forsake me.you will hear me in heaven when I cry out to you. That I am your child. That you will take care of me and take my worries off me. That you are in control. I believe you can heal me and I pray you will. I pray that you will be there when the lab do my test. Make the results correct and make it negative for cancer. I really want to serve you  And I have just started. Heal me, strengthen me, use me, I surrender all to you. In Jesus mighty name  I pray amen