As I blog before, the last 6 to 8 months has been emotional to me. It took me to levels I have never experienced and thoughts I had never given any attention too.It woke me up and made me assess myself and those around me. It is amazing the discoveries one can made. I dug into my inner most feelings and taught me to make a stand.
Let's first look at my health. I guess I am at the age that all kinds of weird complains creeps in. I can blame it on menopause, old age but none the less, they are real. First I was told that cancer might be the reason for my menses problem. Then I discover a growth that is yet to be identified. My palpitations is close to my heart in more ways than one. So the next thought will be death. Couple with the death of friends ' parents due to old age and critical illness., I am once again thrown into the cubicle of morbid thoughts.
When I first thought of the prospect of death,my first thought was my 3 children and hubby. That is normal for a mother and wife. They are the hardest to let go.So I cried about it and even spoke to my children about it. As time goes by and as the months' events unfold, my thoughts evolved too.
I reflect back on my life. I have been the best teacher I know how. I taught the kids in school sincerely and does my part in my role in the school. I have no regrets.As a mother I have given the children the best I have and know. My friends said that I am doing too much but I just wanted to love them in all ways I know how.As I wife, I have kept up to my wedding wows. I place him above me and try to be the best wife possible supporting, protecting him, staying loyal. As a daughter-in-law, I certainly believe I have done the best. I had given her everything I could. My only regret is maybe I hadn't the chance to love my papa and mama as I should have as one died early and the other at a time when I didn't know how to love her.
With that in mind, I have no regrets. I had always reminded myself not to expect thanks and gratitude and in times of pain, I had used that mantra to stay afloat.I had placed my family above all and over me. If my child or children does not or do not feel the same way about me, I remind myself to accept it for it is between them and themselves and maybe God if they believe in one.If my husband do not keep his wows the way I expected him to do so, so be it. I tell myself that 30 years is a wee bit too late to complain or regret.To love and to protect, to detach oneself from one's family and go forth to start anew family is after all a choice with himself.I have always believe that if your other half is not what you expected him to be, there is only 2 ways to the problem that is accept him or walk out.Don't ever wait for him to change or to learn. That never happens.
Of late,I am reminded that all that I gave to my career has not gone to waste and to that, I am grateful.To my parents, maybe there might be an opportunity to fulfill my duties in the after world Otherwise all I could do for the moment is to say I love you two.
I doubt I would cry now if I am met with death now as I did several months back. My children have demonstrated different types of independence. Those who can will be ,he who choose his path has already does.It is a feeling of having walked my path the way to my satisfaction. I lived my life well.I had no regrets and what else would one crave for other than these serene thoughts. What remains is the constant reminder that I should live each day the way I felt best.After all in the end who loves you best other than yourself.
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