How I feel

when I hear of me I chee dying, I have deep fear. Fear of being like her, fear of my cancer spreading. I start to feel a foment discomfort thinking of bone cancer and stomach cancer. Then I look at my hand and the swelling wondering if it will ever end. I feel lousy. Fearful, depressed.i Brooke down.
I pray and I pray. I pray that God hear me, see my fear, heal me.
I next tell Him I don't want to die. I ask fOr 10 more years. He gave so many others so many years can he give me just 10 years. Then you realise it is individual what he gave others has nothing to do with what he will give me. I feel down and down. I am not even telling my family about nothing.
I pray and I pray. Then I look at the way my husband and my sons are loving me. What they have gone through the last six months. Nursing me, driving me at least once a week to hospital. The physical strain my husband went through. The emotional of sadness but giving me a positive look to boost me up. It has to be tiring for him.physically and emotional.
Ed has to postpone his career movement, go through leave plans and changing working schedule, rushing in and out. How he purchase anything that he think wills contribute to my wellbeing, hats, machines, how to tie scarves
Adrian has grown up a lot, helping in all the ways he can. Being home as much as possible.
Tes the family has gone through a lot. If God wants to take me, maybe it is because the family needs a relieve. I thank them for all the love. I am at peace. It is ok. Pray Lord to make it peaceful and not painful
Thank you Lord for this family.thank you Lord for the grace

High and low

there are days when you are high. You feel you are having God behind you and nothing can defeat you. I have been prepping myself up and has been successful. I tot I manage it. But no I must have new challenges. Two round into new regime I must have heart palpitations and high pulse rate.it tired me out and push me down I am beginning to feel depressed.
Not only I can help, l need to be. Helped for most things.this is the time when you don't mind dying.if God has no function for me here and I only add to burden, you know your existence is of no used.i am prepared to saymygoodbye and pray that the family is tired enough to say goodbye.
I will see what I need to do but really God I has been and is always a simple person. Nothing complicated nothing demanding. Just that you decide my life should be otherwise

Second try at chemo

tonight is Sunday two days before my second try at chemo with a new regime. The last few nights has been waking up in fear. Meditating on his words. I wish I am strong and can go in with a brave front but I can't abba father.
I know you didn't give me a spirit of fear and I feel such a failure disappointing you. Forgive me lord.
It is just the time when I am beyond words. Lord, cover me. Cover me Jesus. Jesus jesus
I know Edmunds little tender heart as he hugs me, massage me, pack my medicine, hold my hands, console me. I have such a gentile son in him. He makes my bed and tuck me in. He sees to so many of my needs that I feel lost when he is not around. It is so unfair to Matthew and him but I can't change me feelings.

Things I don't like

in all these, I noticed I am selfish. I do not have others in my mind as much as I want it to be. I need to restart praying for others.
I don't like the mood swings I have. Happy sad, worry, angry. The negative I know but I can't control as it creeps up on me

The feeling of loneliness, self pity wanting to crawl into a hole.

My husbandth

looking at my husband drooping off to sleep while watching a show really hurts me.
This monster I am tagged with has taken a toll on the man I love most. He has to see yo my unique needs in juicing, preparing special food for me and seeing me suffer and trying in all ways to make things more pleasant for me. He made special porridge trying to give me variety when I can't eat. He ate with me food thaticouldhold ate just yo keep me company even if it is food he doesn't like. The emotional strain plus the physical strain has been tremendous on him. Ferrying me to the hospitals to see the various doctors for different reasons.
He has to run the household on his own while last time we always could discuss and made decisions together.
I am so angry and so sad.angry with myself and angry at the monster.. And to think that the journey is still at its initial stage.
Why and how I could only surrender to you lord. Pray lord your grace upon my husband. In Jesus name I pray amen.

Next step

Today will be making a second attempt to see the oncologist. Going to inform her that I do not wish to cont with the chemotherapy
Obviously very nervous and troubled over it
Basing on every medical book, it is like telling the world I would like to live a few years less and I am walking on glass. If I try to look at the side effects, it is so frightening and nobody dares tell me that it won't be worst. If the last round is still not over, can I take the next round and heap on it.
I feel it in me that the Lord will heal me if I stop. I am to testify that h dis with me. But what if the feeling is wrong . What if I heard him wrong?. I am at peace but what if I am at peace due to human nature and not his peace
That is chemotherapy . What about the next step. The radiotherapy, the on e year infusions what am I suppos e to decide.
Prayed and prayed that I leave it to the Lord. That he will be there at the consultation storm and he will lead the discussion and he will make the decisions. Pray lord lord be there. Be there to lead the meeting and be my father abba to decide on the result. I really only want to strings that pleases you show ever frightening or wrong it is to others. I believe you will carry me through.
Lord lord once again, I cry out to you hear me in heaven, answer me and respond to me.
 I truly have faith that you have a plan for mr a plan to prosper me and not to harm me.oh lord I need the peace you promise and your strength to carry on
Lord lord lord father I can not think of calling out to you in Jesus name I pray amen

Few days in between

Monday suppose to  give blood and Tuesday was suppose to be second round
Instead Monday went in to try to see the oncologist. She was not around. So the meeting was postponed to Thursday afternoon. Wasting Edmunds and Adrian's leave. What to do.
So these few days will be the floating days not knowing what and how.
I was disturbed and wondered if I a
Should give it another try. Immediately my sores flare up. I don't know why. Stress or was it His message.. Truth is when I decided not to carry on, I do feel peace.
I this decide not to think about it. Let Him handle it. At least I had the sense of mind to at least what God has for me as an alternative .
Scanned through the net, read on juicing and turmeric and vitamins.
It is still His plan that matters. I just clean the house the way ai know how. By going it Somme cleaning, boosting it  with what I think it lacks. Whether it is the way or not, mine not to questioned. Just trust