Reflections and Fleeting Thoughts........and collections

A few minutes later

2012-02-02T15:09:00.000+08:00

Saw this on 'Our Daily Bread ' a few minutes after I put up the last post.

Let’s study the Word, pray for God’s direction, and trust His leading (Ps. 91:2) before we step out in any venture of faith.

My times are in my Father’s hand;
How could I wish or ask for more?
For He who has my pathway planned
Will guide me till my journey’s o’er. —Fraser

We see in part; God sees the whole.

So I still can feel and think.

.......................................

2012-02-02T15:03:00.001+08:00

One of those days when you want to write something but your mind is is blank. Totally not thinking and not having any opinions.One of those days when anything can happen and nothing affects me.

Post CNY

2012-01-28T21:32:00.000+08:00

Chinese new year start with the cleaning up, the baking and the cooking.It climax when second son is back and the series of reunions, makans and visits. It run over with the young ones going back to work.

To me, it has been tiring but satisfying when the cookies turn out nice, the dishes well cooked,the family sitting together.It was good to met up with everyone while I still miss my girl in Glasgow.

Things should get back to normal and the next item on the agenda will be our visit to UK to see my daughter.

So how do I feel now?To tell the truth, the euphoria is over and I do not feel anything. I want to get back to my routine and I want to get back to my list of to-do.

Maybe church will perk me up again tomorrow

With Time and Repeats

2012-01-24T01:22:00.001+08:00

One and half years,
three and a half years,
countless times
Is it better, is it less painful?

No
it is just the same, no different.
Will I ever overcome it
Will I ever get used to it,
Will my hart be hardened one day

No
I doubt it
It was my wish and my fantasy that with time
and with repeats, it will be better
Yes, it is just a wish
For now years later
I know now it will never get better
My heart is still the same,
my feeling will never change

No
time and repeats won't improve nor will it lessen the pain
So to accept and bear with it

Groundnuts cookies

2012-01-23T23:58:00.002+08:00

Chinese new year favourite that melts in the mouth.

300 g of groundnuts, roasted and grounded fine
225 g of flour, sifted
200 g icing sugar
Oil to bind
Egg yolk to brush

Mix the first 3 ingredients well
use just enough oil so that a dough can be formed
Make little balls and shape it with a small indentation in the centre
Bake at 160 degree C till slightly brown

Recipe courtesy of a fellow teacher.Thanks Pin Sin
Sugar can be reduced and add a pinch of salt

A matter of perspective

2012-01-23T23:52:00.000+08:00

Many a time after church, we talk about what the message was about.Strangely, I find myself interpreting it differently. It gives me the thought that though the message is the same, we hear differently because He wants to tell us different things.Isn't it a miracle how He works things out?

As we were talking about the preparation of a joyous occasion tonight, it is funny too to see how different people view the preparation in so adverse different way. One feels that the cloth to be used need to be prepared months ahead and purchased oversea while another happily suggested recycling . While one feels that comfort is utmost, another feels that it is most important to make sure it match. In the end, I feel the occasion will come to pass and the overall atmosphere will be the same as long as we are happy doing what we feel at peace. We (includes me) can view a function with all the stress in the world or just sit back and enjoy the occasion.The path we take determines the aura we will radiate.How important is it that all things must fall into place with all the plan A,B and C ready? The most perfectly planned function will have it's flaws. The most unplanned occasion will still go on.As for me, looking back and reflecting, I would just like to do my best but still feel comfortable and not get stressed out.

As in all things I now believe we plan but He decides.Such a wonderful peaceful revelation to us who are His sons and daughters.

Chinese New Year 2012

2012-01-23T23:15:00.001+08:00

Chinese New Year 2012 is different and significant in some ways. This is the first year we are having CNY without my mother-in-law. The sisters and brothers in law went on as usual but I just can't help giving her a thought or two now and then. Just that it is without her.It is also the first year I could prepare for the season with my hubby totally at my side as he is fully retired.The companionship and the togetherness made up partly for the absence of my daughter.This year too we enjoyed the environment of our little cosy abode that gives hubby and me a sense of serenity.

Most important, this is the year I give praise to my Lord in full with my heart giving thanks every part of the way.Thanking Him for Ed's save journey and unexpected early arrival. Attending service on the eve before the start of the long celebration also allows me to ask Him to walk alongside me this festivity. I am glad He has help me do away with the idolatry this year Thank You Lord

Tasty Savoury Crispies

2012-01-18T17:44:00.001+08:00

Something I found some where and twisted slightly. Apologies the source which I really can't remember.

Tasty Savoury Crispies for CNY 2012

125 g flour
A handful of chicken floss
75 g butter
100 g chicken flavoured potato chips (crushed and added last)
3 tbsp icing sugar (put less if you don't have a sweet tooth, I did)
1 tbsp paprika (I substitute with pepper)
! egg yolk
4 tbsp milk

As I make biscuits, cream butter with sugar gradually add everything else.
chips last
Optional, add black and normal sesame

bake at 180 deg C for 15 minutes or till slightly brown

Enjoy trying, Glasgow

Good doctors and teachers

2012-01-16T22:35:00.000+08:00

This morning I read a letter in the newspaper written by a doctor. He/she talked about how he/she was affected by a patient's death though he/she has been taught by his/her lecturer that things like that should not disturb a doctor too much.

This evening while talking to my son, he spoke of how he was sadden by one of his ex-patient(he has since changed department) death. And how 2 of his patients are at near end.

What do the medical profession aspires their young doctors to feel?Basing on their training , (as discussed lately in the newspaper), they seem to be gruelled and hammered and worked to their last bit of energy. Skills and knowledge and stamina has to be trained intensely Unconsciously, we are getting very tired exhausted doctors. To this, they will have no time or energy to 'feel'. A death is just another report to be made. A very sick patient is just a bed that needs monitoring.

Like the writer above said in the letter,beneath the white coat is a human. Beyond getting medication and treatment, the patient needs a tender touch. This goes beyond the sick one to their loved ones. A tender show of care, a word or a smile at the right time can go very far.

But then again what do we want our doctors to be? Is a good doctor someone who is knowledgeable with good medical skills? Or is medical care goes more than that?. To me, when I am sick, I believe my end has been well arranged by some one up there long before my coming into existence. The doctors are just His angels to do the physical work. The final decision is only His to make. So saying, a caring doctor wins hand down as compared to a smart but hard core one.

Medical care, like teaching deals with living souls with feelings. There are guidelines to our profession but every case should be handled with love and a inner commitment before we can be called successful doctors and teachers.

Lastly as teachers and doctors, we also need to know when to leave our work behind when we walk out of the gates so that we can be rejuvenated to a fresh start again the next day.

CNY 2012 Approaching

2012-01-10T21:16:00.002+08:00

CNY is in 2 weeks time. This will be the second year without my daughter. Am I suppose get used to it? I don't know but all I know is that I still don't like it.Whenever the family is not complete, it feel like an arm is missing.It can't be help and I am not lamenting. Just that I won't say I am okay with it. Guess that is just a mother's sentiments or maybe a woman's sentiments as my hubby and son would insist!

To all parents out there, enjoy your children while you can. To all children out there, it is precious moments with your parents.

Only difference this year is that I have hubby with me full time. We are making the best of things, planning the meals, shopping and preparing goodies and decorations. Yes, I am glad he is with me. And I know I have to let go of my children but it would be nice to have them too.

When I amTroubled........

2012-01-05T23:55:00.003+08:00

Remembering the days when I was young (my earliest memories of childhood), when ever I am not happy, I would sit alone with my toy or just a book. Either that or I will do something physically to exhaust myself.

This went on into my teens. Then TV came into being.(Rather when my family could afford a TV) I would use it to numb myself and forget about my troubles. I still remembered when I was offered a place in the Technical College after my Form 3, I couldn't decide whether to accept it or not. My parents wanted me there but my brother who was from there did not want me there. I have no idea why though. My dad took me there to see the place hoping that it would prompt me to say yes. The only guy I met there did not see why a girl would want to be there. In short I was so undecided so I just sat in front of the TV and numb myself with the shows. I remembered my dad was so mad with me assuming I just didn't bother to care or think.

Later in life, when I missed my dad after his death, I used to write a lot. Poems, letters to him or just words depicting my thoughts and feelings. Of course, they had no readers.

When trouble brew in my twenties, I continue to write.

After I got married, I guess I had no time to be troubled because, the job was challenging and being a wife and mother did not give one much time to even stop and think; what more feel.

In between, the saddest part of my life in my thirties was when I lost my mother.I won't say we were the best of pals or that we had the loveliest of relationship but her death affected me a lot. She was very important to me and in a way, I was deeply affected by her feelings, and her very existence. In short, e were close. After her funeral, I used to just sit down and let my tears roll for a long time without crying or sobbing out loud.

Later on I would learn to talk my feelings out with others but looking back, I wonder if it was wise.You will never know how so called friends could use certain knowledge for their own benefit or just give you an odd stare.Sometimes the closest of people don't know how to react and that make me more exasperated.

Much later in life as I reach middle age, I began to see the benefits of walking. When I was troubled, I would think things out with myself and I found walking very refreshing. I would just walk and walk and walk in the out door garden near my house. The trouble will become clearer and the 'worry' energy is channelled out. Maybe stress was reduced too.

Today, I use a combination of writing, physical workout, TV and just being in solitude when I am troubled. I find all these therapeutic. I seldom talked it out but I prayed a lot. So I guess I only talk with Him.

As I enter into the next phase of life and towards my end, will I stay quiet and walk into the sunset?

From the heart

2012-01-03T17:22:00.002+08:00

We hear so often that we should love and care, be thoughtful, empathise etc etc.from church, from leaders and from practically everybody who thinks they can advice. I agree. The world needs more of that.

They also go one step further to tell you how to care , how to show that you love and the steps to take to show that you are a friend again etc etc. Yes, I also agree.

But hardly do I hear of someone telling one very important fact if not the most important point. That is...

to love and care sincerely from the heart.

All that we can do can be done because we should and we must. Maybe because of the role we play. Maybe we are parents. Christians, role models, friends and leaders.

But if it not done right ultimately I feel it negates things and even worsen the relationship when it is not done from the heart. Nothing irritates me more than a weak handshake and a quick glance as I pass by. It makes me feel as if I was just in the way of their duty. I rather just go without the handshake just not to receive the vibes. If we do care, do take a few seconds more to look at me in the eyes and give me a smile from the heart that says I truly am glad to see you. Sorry to say that I feel that at a place that I go every week. (Don't get me wrong, not that it only happens there BUT rather that is the place where I interact most with other people as I am now a retiree) I would rather they give me a smile, look at me at the eyes and maybe a nod.A weak handshake gives me the message' OK so you are here, now go so that I can say hi to the next guy' .It doesn't give the warmth that it was meant to be and maybe that is where it has failed.It was meant to make others feel welcome but if it is not done well, it will negates everything else. Making someone feel welcome is not the words 'welcome' and words like 'sorry if I didn't show or do it' has lost it purpose because it is already done, like it or mean it or not.

I feel so sad that those involved just do not understand that when one truly feels and care and love, one do not really need the steps or ways to show it. Your body language, your very action shows it. You will emits the feelings and the vibes. I was never thought to love and care but I am sure my students and friends knew that I do.

Bottom line is when you want to love, sincerely love and care otherwise the recipient will know.Otherwise please do not try to care and love. It emits an uncomfortable aura.

I guess I am lucky that I need not pretend but then I have never wanted or need to pretend. I always avoid people I don't particularly feel 'loving' to. And then again others may view that as my negative point and that was my downfall 5 years ago. That was when I allowed politics to take over my career and cut it short.But then again I say, I had no regrets.

My God love first and I pray that more (including myself) could grow to be more like Him

Talking

2011-12-19T16:21:00.000+08:00

Talking about people, talking about events and talking about ideas.

Well the saying goes about the different minds doing different things. Naturally it can be seen that people and events takes popularity.That is all the newspaper do and that is most popular at social networks. It has been said and I have seen the proof that the best way to get someone to talk is to ask about themselves.It may be due to ego or maybe it is the topic most familiar but the fact is it get the conversation going.

The upper class of people is suppose to talk about ideas and it is suppose to put them higher up the ladder. Definitely so brain wise but are they better? Is the cleverer better? Does the more intellectual belongs to an elite group? Should we all aim for that?

Or
Is simplicity a sign of peace and mere serenity? In many occasions, they don't seem to feel a lacking and what you don't see as lacking, you never miss it.Having said that what about those who are mentally challenged. Are they happier? Do we want to be like that?

What is child-like innocence? What is childish innocence?

Looking Forward

2011-12-17T22:42:00.002+08:00

With all that went on for the year, there are things that I had to postpone or put aside.With the arrival of 2012, I look forward to going back to some of these things and also pick up a few along the way

My reading has definitely been put aside. Unfortunately hubby is not as much into this as I am. The home library is set up and the public library has so many new books. Maybe I could get him into reading magazines for a start especially on food and garden. As for myself my reading list will definitely includes a deeper understanding into my faith.

I want to test out more recipes and get into the adventure of cooking.This I know he would enjoy as he enjoys cooking for the family.

I have never like gardening though I love greenery and flowers. But I would like to pick it up and see how far I could go.For a starter I should try to maintain what the gardener has done and then go from there.

I have been blessed with a good wide circle of friends. It is time I should plan out a better timetable to meet up and just enjoy their company.

Lastly, travelling has been at the back of our heads now that the house is done up.I pray that good health will allow me to do so .

As we travel and move around, I hope to enhance the aesthetic part of our abode with our shopping.

Not much the list but not little too. We will see.

Thanksgiving

2011-12-17T22:12:00.000+08:00

Thanksgiving is at different time to different people. To me I would say this is a good time as the end of the calender year of 2011 approaches.

After I rededicate myself to the Lord, my view changes too.I learn to be more deeply appreciative towards the same things. After serious illnesses, I am grateful I could stand up and lead a normal life and look after myself. After a series of problems with the dentists, I thank Him every morning as I brush my teeth that they are all in tact and I could chew. Looking at landslides and floods, I am grateful that my house is intact. Reading the news about the young people today, I am so ever proud of my three children.

This year has been a year of happenings
Daddy stopped work,
for the first time, Audrey wasn't home with us at Chinese New Year,
House was totally renovated,
Edmund graduated from medical school
Popo passed away
We venture into the financial world to give us a new interest
I had a chance to see many people with a different view.

We moved into an apartment for 6 months giving me a total new experience
With the house done up to what we wanted, hubby and me are enjoying every part of it. It is no grand mansion but it has a patio for us to enjoy our simple meals together, a big enough TV to watch the astro programme as we relax, a kitchen comfortable for us to bake, cook for our children and all we love, air condition if we ever feel the discomfort, a cosy room as we retire into the night. Yes this home that the Lord gave us is definitely our paradise.PTL

W have finance enough to sustain our prudent expenditure. With the little investment adventure we have in one commodity business, it keeps us alert, active and supply a small income.

We boast of no great material gain nor any power or recognition but to us, we are already amongst the richest people. We are peaceful and we are thankful. We enjoyed the time together, all the time that we missed as we hurried through life with our career and family the last 30 years.

At last, we are learning to breathe normally again with His grace.

Of course there are things that I see and are unhappy about. But I have learn to worry less, let go and trust.I know not how long more all these blessings will last or when He will decide for me to move on (OK I agree I am paranoid about death but I have accepted it as something that will come) but I am at peace.

Other things that saddens me are when my loved ones are hurt,injustice being done, hatred and jeolousy prevailed and saying goodbye to mu little gil as she leav for Glasgow pricks me deep. But all things come to pass.I learn to pray even harder and to pray more frequently to overcome these.

I also saw that even as time goes by, even decades, people character do not change. Physically they may have changed so much that we can't recognise them, but underneath all the, people are still the same.Sometimes I even detect feelings and way of thoughts that are so steadfast. There were things I forgot about people but the minute we interact, all memories come back.

The stillness of the night

2011-12-16T06:54:00.003+08:00

There are many things I enjoyed as I retire. One of them is the slowing down of the pace of life thus allowing me to
sit and reflect,
see and react,
be still and praise ,
feel thankful for the many things in life

And of the beauty of writing a blog is that I can just let my feelings flow. with no need to plan the sequence and check the presentation. Oh the freedom of stress to write it well. :)

The last 2 months have been a series of meeting up with old friends, renewing friendship thus recalling memories, observing and reflecting. It brought about a whole new lot of thoughts as suddenly, I am opened to so many lives, observing lives over a span of 30 to 40 years,

Then I began to feel more thankful and grateful for the things I am given. A good life, a roof over my head, food on my table, a loving husband, good children, a life free from serious illnesses. More important an ability to love others and to feel loved by family, friends, acquaintances and more important by Him. Without my God, how could all these be possible.
I begin to truly realise what is meant by His will, not mine. I truly see what it meant by going with what He has planned. He has trully planned our lives even as we were formed in the womb. I realied once again why He say to just love as I see what it brings. The life He gave us on earth is so temporary and so ever short but He has already given me so very much. Once again we should not waste precious time to hate, to harbour bad thoughts , jealousy, bitterness, anger. Why do we waste so much time giving up all the good things He has given us to chase for things like power, recognition and material gain We do our part, and let Him do the rest. If power, material and recognition is meant for us, it will be there by His will.

I enjoy the chance to wake up in the stillness of the night, praise Him and reflect. It is something magical about listening to the quietness, not worrying about getting enough rest so that I could rush off the next morning, to just spend time with Him. Many mornings, I wanted toget up and pen my thoughts but just does not want to leave His cosiness. Sadly the many thoughts lost their ways once the briskness of the morning sets in.(ha ha ha even this morning, I have to overcome the sighing of my lovely husband) This is another of His gifts to me in my 50s. He gave me strength and health to go on with my hectic life the last 40 years and now He gave me mere ability to sit, ponder and enjoy His presence .

I lost my Alumni member card( I idid not even realised it), a kind and lovely soul found it and returned it to the Alumni office. The office took the trouble to keep it and send it together with my yearly report. To them whom I will never know who they are, God bless you.

And now to receive the breaking of my magical stillness and go into the awakened world around me. Good morning to all.

cheese dessert, my friend's style

2011-10-08T22:08:00.002+08:00

This is a recipe a fellow teacher came up with after spending some time in Italy. She made it, we ate it, loved it, asked her for the recipe but no one knows what it is. But it has some similarity to tiramisu.

A packet of xhortbread biscuit, cut inti smaller pieces.
dipped in strong nescafe and lined on a 2 inch deep plate

Soften 250 g of cream cheese to room temperature,
beat it with 1/2 cup of whipping cream,
add 1 egg
1/2 a cup of caster sugar (or less if u don't have a sweet tooth)
a few drops of vanilla essence

Pour it over the biscuit. chill it as cold as u can but not frozen,

Before serving, sift cocoa powder over it.

Warning, it is lovely to taste but serve only a small portion as it tends to be very overwhelming

2011-10-08T21:57:00.001+08:00

This is a savoury biscuit I like to bake. It is not sweet so it need an acquired taste for it.
Actually it s just pastry

Rub 100 g of self raising flour with
50 g of butter
add a bit of water to bind
add another 50 to 100 g of cheddar cheese
salt , pepper and sesame seeds

Roll out half cm thick,cut in shapes you like( I usually just cut then into 4 cm stripes)
bake till slightly brown, coll and keep in airtight container.

2011-10-07T20:24:00.000+08:00

Dear Father in heaven,

I have plenty to be thankful.

Thank You for the blessings You rain on me.
a beautiful family,
a good and loving husband,
a roof over my head,
ability to move and to love my loved ones
food on my table,
peace of mind to sleep at night

You kept my loved ones safe and You guide them in their every act
Thank You for being in my mouth when I talk, in my eyes when I see and my ears when I listen, in my heart when I decides; guiding me in every way.

Thank You Lord in Jesus name
Amen

Prayer

2011-10-04T08:13:00.000+08:00

dear Father in heaven, holy is thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give me my daily bread,forgive my sins as i have forgiven others,distance me fr evil and all temptations.

I prayed and prayed. Yes this is another time I feel the emptiness and the loneliness. No I am not doubting You hearing me. I am not questioning Your will. Just that I am tired ,tired like a dying man, For years I am in pain. For years I have been bloody. I have developed so many phobias that I am becoming a burden to others.I don't want to die a bloody or painful death but then it is still Your will not mine.

I pray and I ask, I plead and then I pray. I am not angry and I am not questioning. They don't seem to see the point. I am at peace but tired, very tired.Maybe I shouldn't but I can't help it.

All this I pray in Jesus mighty name. amen

Another 3.30 am

2011-09-19T03:56:00.001+08:00

Look like 3.30 am is a common time for me to blog lately. Truly I can't sleep. Things and thoughts fly through my mind like jet planes and causes a haze so thick and I know I need to put it to rest. But it is never easy.

So many things go through my thoughts that I know not where to start. She left and I prayed that she is OK at this transition time.

He worked till he knows not time and day what more eat and I know he is tired. And pray for his physical strength and his faith.Gong through his pain and not being there physically to help, which mum is at peace.

My health is playing up with me. An old problem has to surface and insist on giving me pain, lost and concern. Again I pray.I know He hears and I believe He has His reasons but I am tired. I hold on fast and tight but I am tired.

A shock is a shock. It does not come any softer just because you are more experience and ready. From day one, you never let me rest and I wonder when can I do so. It is not that I don't want to let you go but I have my doubts just as any normal mother do. I pray as I have been praying for years .You hear ; You will respond at Your time but I am getting weaker.

If there are times in one's life that one is pushed to the wall, I have plenty of those.I surrender and I commit to You but in the meantime,can I rest.Every time I want to rest You shook me up.How long can I take this? How long do You want it to last? I am tired. I need Your strength. Again I know You know. What next?

3.30 am thoughts

2011-08-16T03:02:00.003+08:00

Maybe it is God's way to help me handle it. It is less than half a month to my sweetiepie's leaving for Glasgow and He knows how emotional I get every time I say goodbye to any of my children far or near, long or short. The renovations and all the activities that comes along with it gives me little time to ponder over her leaving. It also leaves me minimal time to wonder how my son is fairing in his new posting.

It is time like this, way pass midnight when eyes and body are tired but the mind refuse to sleep that I start counting days and thinking, feeling and reflecting.

The mind shoot from flights to dinners to renovation problems to moving complications.
After sometime and after a few days, I just feel tired, physically and emotionally.It is time like this that again I want to say 'stop, wait' but knowing very well that it is not to be so.Then I again pray fervently and then I think of things past and present, home, family, people I love, my future, my health, my faith and then I tell myself to stop, seriously stop. And so I stop.

Tunnels

2011-08-14T01:44:00.003+08:00

In the journey of life, one goes through lots of tunnels of darkness.I went through many and many a time wonder why I seem to have so many.Is it really that I have more than others or is it that I am more light sensitive than others?

It is said that in the tunnel of darkness He will be there to carry me through. I believe He does but while I am there it is scary as one really could not see the end of it. One only trust that He is there and trust that there is an end to the tunnel.Because in pitch darkness there is no way one can move except on faith and if one do not move, one will never be out of the tunnel because the tunnel will never move on it's own.

So as I move from one tunnel to another,I move in faith.I thank God when I am in the light as I wonder when is it the next tunnel will come by. Without fail it will come. And as I enter it, again I see no light and no end.Again I know that only He can bring on the light when He sees deem right.Again I walk in faith praying that I will not give up.

Sometimes one walks alone and sometimes one walk with loved ones. When that happen, one also need to strong for the other one. At times like that, one needs to be even stronger in faith.

I see no light now but I need to believe that there is an end and again close my eyes, hold each others hands and walk and walk and walk,

Pain

2011-08-09T01:01:00.003+08:00

I am but a mother.grabbing on to time knowing very well it will slip and go as it should be. Three children and many times over, if I was expecting it to be easier, less intense, not as painful; I am very much mistaken.As a matter of fact, the pain started earlier, just as bad and just as painful as the very first time 8 years ago.

When the pain was most intense during the birth of my last child, I remember telling my doctor I can't take it , I wasn't ready. HE told me then that the baby won't wait and it has to come to pass. Look like it is the same for every searing pain onwards whatever the cause may be. And reality tells that it is not the last.

So how do I handle it this time and times to come? Do all mothers go through this?

Her

2011-08-03T05:37:00.001+08:00

How do I express my feelings?Love? Yes and no. yes as I care. No as I don't feel the pain

Memories! Unfortunately more unpleasant than pleasant.

Grateful? yes for the duties she perform. Unfortunately it is just duties and not out of love.

Others who are related:
At times I could understand how they feel. Other times, sad for her that she evokes only those feelings.I guess it is more sadness for her than anger.

Also their thoughts and actions are far different from mine. No right, no wrong but odd.
Just how sincere and fair? But not for me to ponder.

He, I saw a side of him I should know but never dwell in. But then again, there is no mathematical equation to solve it.

How different will my life be compared to hers?Will it be better or does it matter ultimately as it is His to see deem fit?

p/s Not being able to sleep at 4 am in the morning make me think too much!

4 am Thoughts

2011-08-03T04:57:00.004+08:00

Phew!

That has been a long long time since I last blog.As anticipated, has been a very very busy year to date.(remember talking about it right after CNY)

Renovation is top on the list. It is nearly completed but still a long way more to go before it can be called a home it is meant to be.The process brought about physical exhaustion, mental anguish, personal satisfaction, thankfulness to Him for providing the people and the means and everything else. Now is the time to look forward to moving back, settling in,filling in the gaps and then moving on to other things that has been put aside and postponed the last 8 months.

Next, sweetie pie has been back 2 months and is already preparing to leave again.Where did the days go?Enjoyed every moment I can with her and wished it was more.This time round the months will be more before I get to hug her again.With the eldest boy, I looked forward to our Europe trip where I could see him in December that year.This time round, no plans made.

The first is a plus, the second a negative. Do they cancel out? NO. unfortunately life and emotions are just not mathematics.A positive is a positive. and a negative will remain a negative and they will never met.

Again

2011-05-28T00:46:00.003+08:00

In the dark of the night, the feeling of fear.
The mixed feeling of praise, thanks then numbness
Why the feelings?
I asked and I pray.
I had to agree I am tired.
Tired of repetition.
Deja Vu.
This is not the first and I am sure it isn't the last.
I don't want to wonder, I
don't want to ponder.,
I am tired.
I want little
But maybe it is too much.
I want to rest
Just let it be.

Feelings

2011-05-14T20:43:00.003+08:00

When you see someone sick, you feel sad,

When someone doesn't appreciate your good deed, you feel disappointed,

When you see a loved one disappointed, you only want to hug and console

When siblings fight, you pray that you will not be the parents,

When closed ones are sceptical of each other, you wish others will not worsen the situation,

When you are not suppose to butt in, you feel so helpless

When things go wrong one after another, you ask for patience

Oh what an assortment of feelings!

Praise the Lord

2011-05-09T20:36:00.003+08:00

Another long and tiring day. Oh My gosh, I can imagine some individuals' glare! A retired lady of leisure saying that!!!

While the renovations is going on, we have to be ready to go shopping with our renovation manager. We have been to tiles shops (I think ) three times, gone shopping for toilet fittings twice each lasting half a day, looked through endless designs for the kitchen cabinets, fittings, wardrobes, colour plates, endless trips to the library to get ideas, yam cha sessions with manager to discuss and finalise ideas. Not forgetting reading quotations and quotations and going through bank accounts to see where the finance is coming from.

Every time, I remember to say my thanks that hubby is retired and alongside to make decisions. I am so thankful too that at times when we are so tired and was saying 'whatever lah', my manager is still so dedicated going through suggestions after suggestions( until he himself forgets some ideas that we agreed upon) thinking through the night on what he should do (honestly, he mails us at 3 am and 5 am). Asked him if he ever sleeps, he said he go for power naps!

Colour plates has been flying through the emails too and he takes the trouble to show us houses he did in Melawati and Kota Damansara and send photos through his phones Many a time, hubby and me were ready to let him make the decisions and he still have energy to go on.Obviously it is his passion.

While all this is going on, I got interested in some investment ideas.I went into it as I always think that if I only live on my savings and fixed deposits interest, I can't even overcome the inflation rates what more survive! After all life is about taking some risks. After hubby retired, he was worried with my ideas and sat down to investigate and probe. Thank goodness, he too is won over. With that, we are busy minimum 2 to 3 days a week.

I too want to get back to my christian courses online which was interrupted when I was without Internet for more than a month.

Phew, I am tired but very very happy feeling blessed with His grace. I really really couldn't stop saying thanks and praising Him. Even when I couldn't sleep at night due to his snoring, I thank God for giving me my hubby! : ) Isn't it fantastic?

Mothers' Day

2011-05-08T15:57:00.003+08:00

When I first became a mother, my husband celebrated mothers' day for me. I remember him writing on a card telling me that my son is still young. One day, when the children are older they will celebrate mothers' day for me and thus he can go into the background for the day.

Fast forward a quarter of a century, today I have three children age 27, 24 and 21.So how did I celebrate mothers' day this year? My second child who has just got his first salary wanted to 'surprise ' me with a bouquet of flowers. Being a practical mother, and a 'too smart' one, I didn't want him to spend so much especially when I don't even have a vase to put the flowers in my temporary home now (so say daddy...... he hasn't faded into the background) So daddy bought a cake on the son's behalf and we shot down to Muar since the son from Muar couldn't come back to KL due to work commitments.

Eldest boy paid for lunch and dinner ( so daddy save the day's food bill. ha ha ha . I guess he faded off in that sense)

The youngest is studying in UK so obviously, at best she could only be on skype. What more with her finals on next week. It was good that she could even give us the half an hour when I cut the cake.

So how is today compared to the same day approximately 25 years ago? I loved the children, hugged them and kiss them as much as I did all through the years. I loved without reservations and I am as proud of them as I was 25 years ago. I thank God for the three of them and I enjoyed and treasured all the days and minutes I have with them. I was well aware of the empty nest syndrome even as far back as 5 years ago.

As any mother does, I went through their ups and downs and sat for every exams they went through. and felt the pain and disappointments with them as well as their happiness.

Today, though I love them so very much, I had to remind myself to let go of them as they spread their wings.I shouldn't and can't cuddle them as they cross every barrier but could only pray a mother's prayer more and more fervently.I need to not suffocate them but rather look calm while I tear my hair out. (What a skill!)

I guess with those thoughts in mind, I couldn't stand up at church today when they honour mothers. Without them by my side I am not a mother. I am just a lady who brought up 3 kids.

Happy Mothers' Day to all mothers at all stages of your life.

Last two months

2011-04-25T23:06:00.002+08:00

Definitely a long absence. Have since moved out of the house, renovations started and looking menacing. Son has graduated with a MBBS and has started work in Muar.

In the last two plus months, emotions and feelings went up and down, worry, happy, concern, comforted, exasperated and settled.

Moving house is not a simple activity what more when it is only for six months thereafter will be going back to a renovated house.Decisions, selections and more decisions and selections.Thank God I had Him and hubby to share the roller coaster ride.

Next read the pastor's book. Felt I knew him better but didn't gave me the comfort I need even though it brought some calm.

Next one is in hospital, one so sick, another down with dengue, yet another with complains and all the negative s with it. Praise the Lord for the peace I still have with all these. The marvel of His love and protection. Prayers help and the comfort of His presence after commiting everything to Him.

Butter Cookies

2011-02-14T16:51:00.002+08:00

Butter cookies

345 g SCS butter (1 1/2 slab of 250 g) 250 g
8 oz plain flour 150 g
8 oz corn flour 150 g
4 oz icing sugar 75 g

Cream butter and sugar, fold in flour,piped out
Bake in 180 for 20 minutes

use good buttery butter
blend sugar and butter well
use cups for easy handling
add vanilla to get rid of flour smell
pinch of salt is optional

Choc Chip Macadamia Cookies

2011-02-14T16:38:00.003+08:00

Recipe for choc chip macadamia cookies

125 g butter
110 g soft brown sugar
3/4 tsp vanilla essence
1 egg
195 g plain flour
3/4 tsp bic of soda
1/4 tsp salt
85 g choc chip
50 g nuts chopped coarsely

Blend butter and sugar. Add ingredients one by one ending with chips and nuts when you just mix
Drop spoonful on tray Bake at 180 till lightly brown or 25 minutes.(average size cookies)

#had used icing sugar before when no brown sugar available.
# sugar amount can be reduced by 10 to 20 g
#used baking powder instead of bic of soda but increase to 1 1/4 tsp
# chips and nuts have always increased to much more than mentioned at the request of children (for chips) and hubby(for nuts)

Leopards and spots

2011-02-08T16:20:00.003+08:00

Leopards doesn't change their spots. How true. People whom you don't meet for years are still the same.Different time, years later, different place but the spots are still unchanged. People 's characters are so much a signature of them.The lambs will still be lambs, the tigers will still be tigers. Only difference is that sometimes we hope the tigers will change to lambs which unfortunately is never possible. Sigh!

...............

2011-02-08T16:18:00.002+08:00

CNY came and went off. Though I miss her a lot, I was glad she was well occupied in Glasgow during the period. Ultimately, I just want her to be happy.

And So It Is

2011-01-30T23:37:00.004+08:00

So I know things will be different this year.
So I know it is a time of happenings.
So I know it is talking about changes.
So it is a time of adjustments and acceptance.
I knew it and I knew it months ahead. Nothing that is happening is out of my expectation except some new developments.( Even then they were things I knew could happened and should not be come as a shock)

But it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't change the way I feel.

Growing apart

2011-01-21T18:57:00.002+08:00

When it was the time for it to happen, it didn't really happened. But now it is noticeable. Yes change is inevitable but couldn't it be drawing nearer rather than further. Maybe deep down I only expected it to be nearer so when there are hints of further, it hurts.

How far will it go? Will it reach a fearful unpleasant distance or is it something temporary?
Did any of my actions activated it ?
Or was it other factors that they have to sort out themselves.
Is it a natural process that they go through but at a different time from others?
Will it change direction later on?
Relatively speaking, I am lucky that there exist other stable ones. So is it His way to wean me off some and get closer to others?
Maybe time will tell. If there are things I am suppose to see and notice, I hope He will open my eyes to it.

My 3 Kids

2011-01-18T10:07:00.003+08:00

I have every reason to be a proud mum. Ever so often, I hear praises about my children. In school, teachers (with the exception of one kindy teacher, one year 6 teacher who told gory stories in class and a spinster who has a reputation to upkeep :) ) have only good things to say about them, friends always felt that they are good kids. Fair enough teachers have over the years learn to be diplomatic and friends normally do not complain about one's kids. But deep down, I always feel so blessed. I couldn't ask more more.

Academically they are not the cream ala cream but they are always near the top until they join the top most sorted careers.Well, they are not nerds or geeks but lead a balanced lifestyle. They know their limits and do not step over them.At times they are more diligent in their moral values (compare to me!)and are level headed in their views.

All I do nowadays is pray for them every night that they hear and obey His voice,that they do not bow down to pressure be it work or studies, and lastly they find the love of their life when the time is right.

Learning from my children

2011-01-17T11:31:00.002+08:00

I come from the generation of Chinese family(I don't know if it is a habit of other ethnic group) who believes in keeping bad news from those you love. For example if one is sick, they then to keep it from the spouse and children especially those that are far away for fear that it will distract them from whatever they are doing. I subscribed to this philosophy for many years. I also had told my children that if they have to choose between me and their spouse, I would understand if they have to lean over the other side because they have a family of their own. Family peace comes first that I believe, parents need to let go and bless the children.
But over conversations with my children and seeing what has happened around myself recently, I now beg to differ . My children are right. Give them the choice for they are matured enough to know and make their independent decisions. My children reminded me that they would like to know and share what goes around in the family (so don't keep bad news and information). I believe they are right. As parents we have brought them up matured, independent, have a good sense of right and wrong.If we have done a good job, we should allow them to be adults in the true sense of the word.
Respect them to make their decisions on their family and let them learn to approach the realities of life.

Reflection from another's Blog

2011-01-06T10:41:00.003+08:00

Just read a blog by a doctor on his involvement with HIV/AIDS patients as he walk in a war memorial. And it jolted my emotions.

We all have our spacial role to play in life.To me a child of Christ, I take it as my way to praise and thank Him for His blessings, my way of life with Him. To others, I pray that it becomes a way of life that we may leave a mark behind after we pass this way.

As we walk along life's path, we are destined to do great things. Some of us could, some of us didn't. If we couldn't invent a machine to stop war, or find a cure for a deadly disease, at least let us learn to love and care. And if we can't or don't know how to extend a hand or lend a hearing ear, at least don't step on others or hurt others.

Is it greed or just insecurity that make man have dangerous ambitions? Is it a wrong nerve triggered that make others enjoy sadistic acts? And is it an unconscious mind that hurt those around us? If it is, may we all say a prayer in our own faith for us and others to control our greed, manage our insecurity and to have a caring heart.

Life on earth is but a hundred years or less.It is so true that that we will leave the same way we came. Live it with our God given gifts, make a purpose in life, if we are to be remembered, may it be something positive Or at least not let someone rejoice at our going.

Happy New Year since it is still January and I feel good.

happy new year 2011

2011-01-03T11:24:00.002+08:00

Happy new year. 2011 is here and I am all ready to ride through it.It will be a busy year as I could see numerous happenings lining up.

First in line will be Daddy's retirement and helping him to adjust.

Next will be CNY with a difference without Au and E in the midst of preparing for finals (his half a million final investment, according to him!).

E's nail biting results and then moving back from BP to KL. He will be able to see to it on his own but being parents, ..................... Hope he will enjoy his nostalgic ball!

Into his holidays, we hope to take him along for a North,South and East trip in peninsula Malaysia in anticipation of his posting and marking daddy's retirement.That is if E is without any other plans.

Following that should be our honeymoon in Japan courtesy of H. That will be our first trip in a long long long time without the children. (Think it is the first). Hope I could enjoy it. Not the scenery and place but without the 3 precious. Daddy think it is time we learn.

All these will be in the midst of looking for a place to move out to and then back fr after 4 months in view of the renovation plans. Of course lots and lots of decisions to make in the meantime from which contractor, what to prioritise, the material proper not forgetting what and how to pack and unpack.

Other things include supporting Ad into his next phase, thinking about Au 21st present,E's convocation, redecorating the house, settling E in his new posting etc etc.

Blogging about it is already so long and I have only reach the first 6 months.Indeed it was so appropriate for pastor to advise preparing a seed bed of prayer. What better way to train myself to pray every minute I have ! For His will to be done, strength, health, patience, clear mind ............ OK I think I am going to tired Him out too : )

My Spiritual Growth this year

2010-12-20T06:15:00.003+08:00

2010 has been a happening year for me. It marked many things very personal to me, I may not remember the year as 2010 in years to come(who knows as age catches up and memory fades) but I will definitely remember the events.

4 years ago, I was hurt so bad that I lost myself. I lost myself mentally and I lost myself spiritually. Mentally because of the emotional pain of being pushed, battered undergoing a feeling of being cornered with nothing but the worst path to take.Spiritually because of the disappointments with so-called Christians who professes to be the know all.
There was one who thinks she knows me, gave me an analyse of me,backbite me and went off to east Malaysia without daring to face me. Another who played the role of a perfect 2 headed snake , ambitious, willing to do all things to get what she wanted and she found the perfect pawn. The third who was the pawn was a simple stupid (sorry I couldn't think of a more accurate description) one who allowed herself to be twisted and turned and used.An elder who out of faith thinks she was helping but actually invaded into my personal spiritual life under false pretence.I believed her and it hurts further to discovered how she lied to me.
Because she was chosen by the church and has all the avenues, she garnered support from the right people,played her moves to achieve her objective. By the time others discovered how I was victimised, I have lost all hope to fight back(not that I did earlier because, I was naif enough not to know any of the plots till it was all over),Me on the receiving end battered and sored finally lost my hope, and vision of my faith. I decided then that if that was the christian faith, I wanted no part of it. I went down so low that I was at the final edge. At the last second, He brought me back.I went on a big circle and finally He brought me back stronger.

This year I have rededicated myself back to the Lord, renewed my faith. I am attending a Church where He uses His weekly message to tell me that I was in the right path. My faith was renewed. I learn to place my faith and trust to Him and His words instead of His people .I learn that being a christian does not make them good or right ll the time.They are after all just fallible humans who has used their faith for their own ends.

I am glad I found my way home. It was a tough journey and there are still undergrowth to overcome but I am glad I am on my way home.I have a very very long way more to go but now I have Him with me.He sends me blessings after blessings to strengthen where they have weaken brutally. I am thankful every second of my life. I am glad I feel no anger or resentment towards all of them.I only pray that they are lead along the right path and may they lead their life to bring forth more disciples and not otherwise.

My recovery is slow but is there. I pray that with Him by my side, I will lead my life as it pleases Him. I have grown spiritually.I have learn to place my trust in the right place.And I feel a renewed strength and commitment to grow more.

December

2010-12-09T12:15:00.003+08:00

December is here and we are fast approaching Christmas. Bu.t this year is so different though it is expected.2 kids away; I wonder how things will be like on Christmas morning.

It is snowing in Glasgow as she prepares for her class tests and handle no-hot-water situation, and postponements of tests due to the bad weather. It is good to see that she is handling everything well and keeping warm in her room.

Over in Batu Pahat, he is wrapping up his last but one posting while preparing for a short break down south.

Another child is moving into his next phase as he closes up one.

My prayer every night is that He watch over them and may they hear and follow His guidance well.

Daddy is fast approaching his retirement date and it is interesting to see so many people tying to adjust to it now.As for himself, I doubt he has much time to think about it because so many things has to be accomplished within the next 6 to 9 months.A number of major decisions are to be made, 2 major trips to consider, literal movement of the house, graduation and posting of a child not forgetting getting adjusted to sleeping and waking late!

Blessings

2010-12-09T11:51:00.002+08:00

It came as a pleasant surprise but the present from the company is a blessing. Both of us are brought up thrifty and the question would not be whether we could afford it but I doubt we would spend so much on a holiday trip. Even if we do, we will most probably ponder over it .Neither would we go on a holiday like this without the children. Though they are all adults now but the feeling of a family holiday still persists in us.
So this expensive trip for just the 2 of us is truly a blessing from Him and may we turn it into a praise for Him. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord

Som Ideas I collected (Food)

2010-12-01T10:08:00.002+08:00

Hash brown........heat olive oil,fry 1/2 chopped onion ,1/2 red pepper, stir till soft,add chopped bacon/ham, another couple of minutes, add one potato (1 russet potato, peeled, shredded, squeezed out any water), mix, flatten and cook till crispy like a cake.

Peanut butter jelly sandwich can be grilled on pan till brown with a bit of butter

Mashed potatoes can be added with chopped herbs, or onions cooked with sugar or just till soft, cheese

Sandwich filling...mayo with tomato slices with potato chips

Ideas courtesy of Sam The Cooking Guy by sam zien

Things i Do

2010-11-25T13:33:00.002+08:00

Now that hubby will be retiring soon, friends and well wishers including his boss is commenting on how his lifestyle is going to be like. everybody having their own reasons. there are wives who don't fancy having another baby to look after, men friends who feel life will be so bored with the lady of his house (especially when she isn't exactly young, pretty and vibrant, ha ha ha); individuals who hope that he will go on working. Well, I am not worried. If he is bored, I have the whole household to hand over to him from financial to documentation and looking into leaks, talking to the gardener and handling the contractors, JPJ and the list goes on. Whether he is going to enjoy it or not, that I can't guarantee. As for having a SYT to keep him company, obviously it is out of the question :) What I can do is list down the things I do and is fighting time to complete everyday.

I stay in bed in the morning till I am satisfied(most days it is still before 7.30am, how sad). Next I am working hard to complete Christian courses I have been eyeing since before my retirement.I t is something close to my heart. I wanted to spend an hour a day on it but sad to say I have been missing on it 70% of the time. On mornings I could squeeze it in, I am happy and satisfied.

Next I tried to cook as many meals as possible. I like experimenting(especially with another person along) with new ideas, believe a family should have as many meals at home and together as possible to maintain the status of a family.

Reading has been my passion for as long as I could remember. The library is the perfect place to enjoy a morning or afternoon alone.Magazines local and foreign, books on philosophy, fashion, home, crafts, history, culture, religion especially and many other topics can keep me occupied for hours. The only thing I don't read nowadays is science and personal cum work management. I had spend too big a portion of my life on those two topics. The world outside is so big.

Many handicrafts, interest me and I would like to try out a many as possible. I most probable could only turn out half pass six projects but I an intrigue with bead craft, paper craft, needlework, knitting, crochet, tatting, patchwork to name a few.

Of course there are friends and siblings to meet, chat have a coffee with and just oi enjoy each others company. It is a good feeling to know that socialising involved being with those u like to be with and not those you have to be with.These are but some of the things i am doing and there are others too.

All that I have listed will most probably not fall in the category of things my hubby will enjoy when he retire but the point is, how you rediscover your interest s and how you are going to enjoy your next 25 years is up to you. We built our life and tempo up to a frenzy pace the last 30 years, we also need to learn how to slow down and enjoy it.

By the way this is also dedicated to all friends who will retire one of these days and friends whose spouses are going to retire.

Sasame Cookies

2010-11-13T23:18:00.003+08:00

A favourite of sister, and all members of the family. A crunchy cookies, not too sweet (but sweetness is enhanced by the lemon essence). I like to crunch on the loose sesame seeds. Made it for Audrey and she enjoyed it.

180 g butter or margarine

180 g Castor sugar (can be reduced till 150 g)

1 egg yolk

1/4 tsp salt

1 tsp lemon essence (not that strong but original, not chemical)

129 g plain flour and 120 g s r flour (add 1tsp of baking powder ans 1/2 tsp bic of soda to every 100 g plain flour to get sr flour)

1 tbsp milk

1 cup sesame seeds for rolling

Cream butter ans sugar, add the rest.
spoon batter into cup of sesame, roll to stick on, bake in pan till lightly brown.
170 deg Celsius.

Pondering and thinking

2010-11-11T12:44:00.003+08:00

When my eldest left home for further studies, I literary felt as if my arm was pulled off my body. It was the kind of pain that I have no words to describe. I guess only a mother will know.The songs that was played on the radio every morning as I drove to work seems to be directed to the separation and an intentional stab to the heart. The first year was bad. The second year was directed to preparing for the Christmas trip to Europe so the countdown was smaller in number. Following that, it was preparing for the convocation trip so things moved faster again. I survived it.

When the second left the nest, it was bad but the pain was not stabbing as I get to see him every weekend. I seldom have to count beyond all the fingers on one hand before I get to hug him again Plus the fact that skype has improved so much more and I have 2 others children whose life is evolving very fast.

Next was my baby's turn.This time round, she has 2 ko ko to see to many things like giving all the pep talk about staying away from home, the feelings that will creep in, safety, staying with others, food, banking details, what and how to pack,computer needs and even details like how to dry the clothing so that it doesn't creases! Though youngest, she is tough, strong, wise, sensible, independent, matured, all round well equipped. In many ways, I had to admit I wouldn't be more equipped myself if I had to leave home today. By all reasoning, I should be most prepared to let her go. But underneath all that,one can't being a mother. At times, the feelings and pain creeps in.

And all these make me think of 2 things
First is the realisation of how my mother must have felt when I married and had to leave her behind.
Next understanding what the bible meant by 'God so love the world that He gave His one and only son .'

That's a lot to think about on a day I told myself to sit back and relax.

Roller Coaster

2010-10-29T12:29:00.002+08:00

Secure, fear, sad, grateful,happy, gave up, peaceful are just of the words to describe it.Most people love the thrills a roller coaster gives. Others just prefer to walk on level ground. Still others who are forced on it just shut their eyes and think of calm sea and quiet countryside while keeping busy with all kinds of physical activities.

Apple Crumble my style

2010-10-23T15:27:00.003+08:00

A very simple version,
I CRUMBLE CRUST

150 g flour
75 g butter, soften
1/2 tsp cinnamon or nutmeg

use knife and then fingers to get crumbs texture
75 g brown sugar
added last just distribute on top or stir in

II APPLE

20 g melted butter/ margarine
6 green apple skinned, core, sliced thinly for faster cooking time
75 g sugar
3/4 tsp cinnamon / nutmeg

optional,
raisins soaked in wine, juice or water till soft
lemon juice

Put everything in pot and cook, stirring to prevent burning till apple is soft
adjust sugar, and lemon to taste
add flour bit by bit till consistency is thick

Pour onto greased pie dish, sprinkle crumble
Bake at 200 Celsius till golden brown

I haven't tried it here but apparently, one can substitute apple for pears, plums or gooseberries (idea for oversea student!)

Chicken Rice simple style- courtesy of PE and a bit of changes

2010-10-23T14:48:00.005+08:00

Preparation of chicken

Chicken thigh
1 score for easier cooking and better marinating,
2 season with salt, pepper and wine, sesame oil, soya sauce( put what u have for people oversea who don't have everything)

alternatively, can chop chicken too
can remove skin but then chicken oil, not so nice

Preparation of rice
1 wash rice

optional
fry rice with oil around 3 min

2 Fry ginger(use pepper as alternative), garlic and onion in oil
3 put in rice
4 place chicken on top of rice
5 cook rice
6 serve with any vege you can find like cucumber or carrot or sang choy

enjoy

I actually haven't tried this style yet but for the benefit of overseas people, need to put on blog first.
boil rice with water / chicken stock

Menopausing or What?

2010-10-22T11:40:00.003+08:00

At 53, I am suppose to be reaching menopause. So say my doctor. He has very positive hopes judging by the way he is prescribing the drugs. Well, I don't think my flow is stopping if that is what menopausing is all about. The month he stop my drug, my pains and agony comes back and off again I will troop to his office.
But I do have hot flushes off and on.I do have mood swings but are they all due to the menopause? That I don't know.All I know is that waves of depression comes often until I don't want to talk about it. And when I don't want to talk about it, I becomes very quiet.And when I am quiet, I think of a lot of things. And let's not talk about what I am thinking.

Dedicated to SH, JF and PE

2010-10-16T22:18:00.002+08:00

Last Friday, 4 of us met up before J goes back to Texas. It started off to be a breakfast meeting. It ended up a full day of chatting, talking, revealing thoughts, memories, keeping up news, sharing, laughter plus a few wake up jabs for me. One was that we started as colleagues 31 years ago, enjoyed our journey through our courtship, early days of marriage, childbirth and close friendship.

As the turn out, one got married and moved off to US, one left the profession, another moved on to another school and I was left behind in BB.(Ironically,they join the school one year before me so actually I joined the group in 1980 when I was transferred there)

J came back off and on and we met up every time she did and we saw her baby girl grown up to be a lovely princess. SH was in another school and we actually did not see each other that much.Especially when PE was working with hubby and I was going through the years in school. Each have a hectic life being a wife and mother. Years down the line, we got back together physically and the friendship blossomed again.We have all passed the half century line, our children are all grown up and we spoke of holidays together. We even spoke of morbid happenings too and how we should face it.

Well, true friendship doesn't die, it just went off to sleep and woke up at an appropriate time.We spoke of sharing more and more and seeing each other more often now that we are ladies of leisure.I don't know if it will materialised but it definitely warm the heart to think that we are there for each other.

I don't know what will happen for the next 20 years but at present all I know is that all of us treasured this friendship, glad that we are friends and want to be for each other.

I, Me and Myself part II

2010-10-12T23:02:00.002+08:00

All said and done in the last blog, I now has the chance to do what I say. But will I? Very tempted to but I know it is an emotional decision made out of frustration. So should I?

The push factor is strong.The brain factor is also strong so is the heart. Who will win?

I, Me and Myself

2010-10-06T01:22:00.003+08:00

Was at J's mum's wake. Together with the discomfort I was feeling the last 2 weeks, it was a lousy combination.Got me thinking.Good part is that I am ready and have no fear.These last 10 months sees a change in myself and my attitude to many things. I learn to let go and let loose. I feel comforted with things around. I discover, face, accept and confirm many of my innermost feelings.In short I rediscover myself. I think it is good, at least to me.Maybe not to others but another thing I learn is to sometimes place myself first.I spend a large part of my life thinking about others. Not to be mistaken, I don't regret loving (I seldom regret anything I do). I am glad I did and I still do but as in life, we need to change. We advice a lot(most people have a lot to say about anything and anyone) but at some time, it is time to look into the mirror. It is time to stop waiting and to stop anticipating. It is time to just go on.

A Visit

2010-09-30T14:20:00.002+08:00

During the last 10 years, he used to drop by the school during festivals. He will always have a 'buah tangan' for me. If he can't find me in my room, he will put it on my table and goes off. I used to feel terrible because i know he doesn't come from a well to do background. As a matter of fact, financing his studies after Form six was a problem. How could I take anything from him?.
God was great, around that time PTPTN came about and with his hard work and initiative not forgetting his determination, he finsihed his course in an institution of his choice.
During this visit, his 'buah tangan' was no less but I am so happy to see him with a job he enjoys, giving him benefits he was happy about, have invested in some things at his tender age. All in all, so happy for him.
Another of my little one all grown up!
He may not be a millionaire, he doesn't have a yacht to bring any hollywood star on and he did not write a computer program that brings him world wide fame; but he is independent, happy and on his way to a follow his heart.
Not many teachers may remeber him though he has served his school well. Those who have requested for his help when he was a headboy most probably woulld just today smile and can't remember a single thing he did for them.
But it doesn't matter as in life we do our part and run our own race. We don't teach so that students can thank us. He didn't become a headboy so that the school will be gratefull to him. We teach because we love. He did his duty because he believe it was his to do.
As for me, I am so happy he is what he is today.

Angels

2010-09-21T11:16:00.002+08:00

When I started teaching, I had no idea of my passion for teaching.As I went along, my love for the job and the children just grew on its on.As a matter of fact, if I had 'lean on my own understanding', I would have got out of the boat the first 3 years because I had to work so hard to obtain the Bahasa credit I need to be confirmed.
If I were asked where this love would carry me, truly I would never be able to answer because there is no extra monetary bonus nor letter of approval for loving.Most probably 90% of the kids might not even remember me.
But today I am so happy to note that He has used them in so many ways to bless me. During different times in so many different creative ways. My prayer is that may all of them be blessed bountifully too.

42 hours after

2010-09-19T18:00:00.003+08:00

Finally I survived her departure. Sad to say, I failed this round. My dam just burst a few instances though I keep thinking of others things to keep me offtrack.

But seeing her happy and settled in Glasgow helps a lot and I feel much better. I know it is still a struggle as the days and weeks ahead but with His Grace, I will be OK.

Now that she is settled, I now turn my attention to myself.I have a few handicraft projects that I hope to complete. I also hope to start my Bible in a Year reading plan as it was something I wanted to do for a few years.
But before that I will need to make some plans (I guess I can't stop being an organiser)to my daily regime. and write it down so that the determination will be stronger . It would include daily chores, my walking regime, library and of course my computer time. The marvel of the net has allowed me and hubby to view her unpacking process and to be part of her organising of her rooms.Only lacking is the physical touching. Sigh.

My doctor's appointments has to be seen too. and all my meetings with friends and students that I have postponed for the last one month not forgetting the plans for the house.

Wow I am a bit overwhelm so I think I will only put it into paper tomorrow when the 2 boys are at work. Another plus point of being a retiree. No dateline to keep!

48 hours

2010-09-16T00:23:00.003+08:00

Ask me how I feel now and I will say I don't know. I feel nothing and everything.

Ed is back for a few days and it is good to have the whole family together. To laugh, share, to sit down on the dinner table together. This scene is getting further and further from grasp as the hours goes by.

Au's visa is not cleared yet. There is absolutely nothing that can be done by anyone of us but to wait.It is 48 hours before she flies and the documents are not ready yet. We can't say that it is not affecting us but we are leaving everything to Him.In a way, because of all the uncertainty, we can't be feeling only sadness for the impending separation as we have to keep space for uncertainty. Maybe that is good?

Everyone understand how each of us are feeling and is making the best of it.We are going to treasure every hour from now on while we pray for the best.

Mother and Daughter

2010-09-09T11:27:00.004+08:00

The older generation have this habit of saying 'wait till you are my age/ be a mum/ be a father....etc, then you will know how I feel'. Well, my mum said it to me when I was in my teens. Not that many times but I do remember those words.

Today I am a mum and my daughter just finish her teens. So did my mum's words came true? Sad to say, yes. Only difference is my reaction to the fact.

Yes, I understand how she felt every time I went with my friends, she is worried. She used to pull on a long face whenever I go out. It could be a show, or a day trip, it doesn't matter. She was never happy that I have to be away. I now know her worry as a mother. I feel the same way too when my children are not within my sight. Difference is, I remembered how it made me feel so miserable every time I step out of my home and I never want my children to have the same feelings. I don't want them to feel guilty about leaving as I did those days. Instead, I want to prepare them with the unexpected, ask Him to take over and then sent them off with a smile. This will includes the airport scene in a week's time.

Next, I used to be so upset when she wants to go out for a show, on trips and expected me to fulfill those wishes. As I am not energetic by nature, and especially when you work 5 days and wanted just a day to sleep in, none of those ideas sounds fun.I used to dread those days. Today I understand that she was lonely. She wanted companionship and wanted some activities. After being a housewife for so many years and being cooped up in the house, going out is something she looks forwards to every weekend. More so, when most people do enjoy going out and travelling unlike me. Today, whenever such feelings comes up,I tell myself everyone has their own life to lead. We each should have our own activities and not relied on others to full fill our life. We only lay down our request for some family time every week and after such time, release others.

So I hope that having gone through a guilty time, I hope to be a better mother and wife. Not that I love my mother any less.But I have learn to understand her better (unfortunately it is a little late)

Talks and Hugs

2010-09-04T16:41:00.003+08:00

Between the rush of things the last 2 weeks, the family managed a 3 days trip to PD. Sister and hubby joined us in Legend International homes for a 3 king size beds , 2 room booking with a private swimming pool in the room! It is a fantastic deal, the place was spacious, clean (which is very important for me) and has a beautiful public pool too. The pool has waterfall like structures that gives you a good water massage.

More important, it would have been the family's last holiday together before E goes off to Batu Pahat and Au going off to Scotland for a minimum of 2 years. Therefore it was a bittersweet trip for me.

I thank God for a close knit family. I am proud thatmy children are close to me emotional and physically. We hug at every occasion we have. Iremembered how surprised and touched a few teachers were when they saw me hug Ad when he received his SPM results. The boys hug me at home and in public. All three holds my hand as we get down from the car and in every public place.As a matter of fact, it is so natural to me that I had to be awakened only when I read about the prayers in the 40 days fast booklet that it is not the same with most families.My children are no longer small in age but they do snuggle up to me when they kiss me goodnight and say 'I love you". On the same note, I do hug my students too and my teachers and even she who nearly "killed me"! I don't believe in hiding our love and sometimes a human touch makes one feel loved and wanted. (However I do remember that maybe I should restrain when my boys get a girlfriend and especially one that finds the practise a bit alien! ha ha ha)

A holiday is good too because it gave us a opportunity to sit down and talk without interruptions. I noticed with happiness that the five of us talked a lot. We talked after dinner at the table, we talked on skype ( both on nonsence and happenings) and we spend hours having heart to heart talk. Well at least I do! I know daddy will doop off to sleep but I treasure every second I spend with the kids.The hugs and talks are the things I will miss most when the time comes for the changes to take place.

July and August 2010 - a big change

2010-09-03T14:39:00.005+08:00

I had not plan to blog until after 18th September as I know I have been and will be going through an emotional roller coaster these 2 months. But then blogging was suppose to help me go through times like this.

Starting mid July, I 'sat' through 4th semester MPharm and 9th semester EOS in medic.Having Christ with me this time round has made it much calmer. The family prayed for both the kids and praise the Lord, His will allows them to get through both the EOS.

The medic exam was a tight fit thing because within 48 hours, exam ends, results was announced, packing was done in S'ban, and moved to Batu Pahat. God knew the delimna we would have so as we enter the S'ban house, E sms the good news (otherwise it would mean another 6 months in Sban which means all plans had to be changed!)

At the same time, home repairs was done the same day we were helping E to bring his stuff to his new place which he will be sharing with 3 good friends for the next 6 months.The repairs wasn't done well but at least it will do for the time being.

Batu Pahat house is newer but his aircond could not be fixed untill yesterday.Therefore he should be more comfortable and happier this time round. Right now, apart from his normal anxiety, PTL, he is well settled . One burden less for this mum.

Back to Au, after the results were out, it was a few days of nail biting before the CAS letter came from Glasgow. Next was the application of the visa. Minor hitches but with His help, all the appropriate forms were filled and documents were prepared After a half day (relatively short time compared to what others have to under go) all the documents were handed in. Now for another prayer session for the application to be approved and be on time for the flight.

While all these was going on, my physical health hasn't been too cooperative either. The only thing it prove was that my complains is not due to idleness but real!

Emotional, for sure, endless thoughts and feelings has been going on. Happy, grateful, concerned, missing them, learning to let go, rationalising, being practical like a mother, etc etc. At the same time need to put in a conscious effort to fill my time and change my lifestyle after she leave.So that I won't be a burden to them.It is from 5 to 4 to 3 to 2 and then 1 in October Sigh!

..................................

2010-08-15T23:59:00.002+08:00

heavy...................

my darlings be safe.................................

his weight be lighten..................

time passing..........................

to him I heave......................

when will it end..........................

Travelling

2010-08-01T21:08:00.004+08:00

The other most common question one gets as a retiree is whether if one has travelled since retirement and where have one been.

Maybe most people love the idea of seeing the world and can't do it while they were working due to money or time constrain. And most people do travel both far and near after retirement hence the question.

Back to yours truly. Did I travelled since my retirement? No I did not.
Why not? Now that is becoming an interesting question that I have decided to spend some time on today.

Most of the time I just brush it up as my hubby is not free to accompany me hence no travel. Probing into it deeper, I asked myself if I had wanted to travel, would I have let that be an excuse. I am the last person to allow anyone to stop me (seriously, maybe it is my ego that wouldn't allow it).

Why then didn't I at least go down Singapore with my sister? Maybe basically I don't fancy being away from home. I had always wanted to make home cosy and warm with family. That is actually my ideal dream. I am not a very sociable person. neither do I possess a bundle of energy. But I do love being around people I love, doing my own things and sharing moments with those around.

Maybe that is why my dream home will be a storybook type of home in NZ with a good case of books, sitting by the fireplace snugly in a comfy chair with my family, taking long walks along the countryside and maybe going to the cinema once a while or having a gathering of good friends over a barbecue.

I see my sister and her hubby and their lifestyle is good (to my standard). They are both retirees. Not rich but enough to get by with a maid to help out since my sister's mobility is limited. Her husband does a bit of gardening (producing fresh vegetables for us once in a while), follows the stock market. They drop by the children's place in Singapore a few times a year and mostly enjoying a home cooked meal in front of the TV. Weekly shopping and visits from friends and siblings come off and on. Nothing exciting to most standard but cosy and warm enough.

Lastly, so would I travel ultimately? Well I think I still will if my health permits (though sometimes I wonder how long that will be) and to places that pleases me. After all not that I hate it. Just that I would like it to be leisurely to places that are scenic and clean. Don't fancy having tummy upsets again in a foreign land.

coincident

2010-07-20T14:48:00.002+08:00

Coincidentally Randy Pausch Last lecture was mentioned in 3 blogs I surfed recently namely Daphne Ling, Jimbo and Our Daily Bread.

After September

2010-07-15T15:27:00.003+08:00

I found myself listing down the things I need and want to do after September. The list is not short. They includes projects I have been postponing and things I know I will enjoy doing.

Life will be different after September. No more weekend trips and daily driving to IMU. No more planning what food to cook so that it can be frozen.No more letting her handle the stove so that she will be more equipt.

It will be what-is-Glasgow-time-now? Is it worth planning and cooking for 2 today? It is going to be silly sweeping floor that no one steps on for days!

Well it is inevitable. The family will undergo changes . Highly unlikely it is reversible.It is taking the next step. We can't be stagnant.The right attitude is to adjust and to accept.Who knows which route will opened after that?

2 Good Books

2010-07-10T06:16:00.003+08:00

I haven't been able to sleep the whole night through. First it was the gastric pain.After the cup of horlicks, I was wide awake. And what do I do when I am wide awake? My mind wanders and I think and I think and that goes on the whole night through. My movements woke up hubby and I had to pretend to sleep to get him back to sleep mode(luckily that was easy!) Now at six, I steal out of the room to do something more productive!

Books I read the last week.

Book number one. 'The Last Lecture" byRandy Pausch A true story. A dying man with only 6 months to live struggling to fight back, at the same time, preparing his lovely wife for life after he is gone. A lecturer by profession, he gave his last lecture at Carnegie Mellon University where he was attached. Moving, heart wrenching, great academician with a true passion, a wonderful father.I admire him for his strength, physical and every other sence of the word. Do watch his lecture at www.thelastlecture.com. HIghly recommended.

Book number two. The Concubime's Daughter by Pai Kit Fai. A good read about the China culture and the determination this time of a girl to learn to read and be a scholar. Though fictional, it serves to remind us that strength comes in many form.

To Share

2010-06-29T15:31:00.000+08:00

Lord, I would serve You day by day,
Doing Your will, let come what may;
Keep my heart faithful, strong, and true,
Always to trust and honor You. —Hess

We are Christ’s “letters of recommendation” to all who read our lives.

What a Weekend

2010-06-28T12:27:00.002+08:00

One confirmation, one revealation, one 'let-u-know' session, two battles to fight.

Reminds me of the last few minutes of my delivery process when the pain is so intensed that I said. 'hold on I can't take this yet'.

My gyne smile and told me that no one can stop it so just let it happen!

A repeat!

I survived then. Guess I will this time around too.

p.s. I am at peace this time

A Blessed Weekend

2010-06-21T10:40:00.003+08:00

Last weekend was a good blessed one.

On Saturday afternoon, I had a good lunch with 4 friends from schooldays.As usual it was mummy and girls talk. Refreshing time spent together. Guess what, SF may even be my neighbour in the future if both of us plan to move in our new place for retirement proper. And we might still recruit another.

Evening was a wedding dinner. Met up with 2 tables full of young gals and guys. Watching them grow up the 10 years make me realise that time passes on us so fast. Seeing amongst them married with their spouses, showing me their little offspring, introducing their new found love, settled in their individual career make me feel like a proud 'mummy'. One thanked me for inspiring him to take up the teaching profession and yes you made me proud. I hope you will derived as much pleasure as I did dealing with your sixth formers. Doctors on their way to specialists, those in the corporate telling me about their oversesa training, having a good time teasing and laughing. I am blessed.

Sunday church was at Nilai as the children wanted to go down Sban to celebrate fathers' day together with Ed.Pastor had a message on attitude on gratitude which is so true. A good lunch with daddy getting his presents bringing the morning trip to late afternoon.PTL for the family togetherness with the laughter and usual teasings.

Evening saw us packing for princess' trip which ended with a shopping spree to get luggage and clothing. September is approaching fast.It is much easier than the last time 7 years ago.PTL for the experience then and so thankfull for Ad presence.So much to think, plan, do amd decide for the family for the next few months.

A Wedding Speech

2010-06-21T10:30:00.002+08:00

Last Saturday was the first time I spoke at my students' wedding. I was touched.

G was the big brother, obviously, seeing that he was the head boy of the school. In class, he offered an aura of confidence but yet fun to be with as all his classmates can testify. During the 2 years I taught him, he would always tell me not to worry about his studies and I guess today I can say he was right. The other person who was always concern was G’s father. He came in a few times to speak to me about G. He was a good dad, a concerned parent who had bothered to take time off for his sons. I still remember him asking me if I had really thought if G would pass his STPM and go to Uni. I said yes and I am so glad G has proven me right and today we can be proud of G’s achievement.

J on the other hand impressed me as the petite little sweet girl in the other class. I don’t know at which point G saw the little girl and decided to focus on her but he had definitely made a good choice. J is so soft spoken that at times one has to listen hard to hear her. And obviously she has shown that little girls with soft voices can do big things. You have achieved much, though I wonder if you will give up part of it for your future family. Either choice, remember that I believe you will do well. May I say something once more to Mr B senior as I know you are here tonight. You told me once that you had always wanted a little girl of your own and tonight I also want to let you know that J would make a good daughter-in-law.

To J and G, allow me to be your teacher again tonight and share with you some thoughts

Tonight is not the end of your courtship but rather the start of a lifetime together, to share, and to build up. It is said that
Getting married is easy,
Staying married is more difficult
Staying happily married for a lifetime should rank among the fine arts.

God says
J was created from G’s rib
Not from G’s head was J created to be above him,
Not from G’s feet to be stepped on,
J is created from G’s side to be equal to him,
From under his arm to be protected by G
Close to his heart to be loved by him.

The Bible says
Wives are to be submissive to your husbands so that he may be won over by your purity and reverence of your life.
G, remember at all times to treat J with respect for J will make your life complete.
Together you will both form the perfect picture.

reading the bible brings back memories

2010-06-15T14:54:00.002+08:00

As I read certain chapters of the bible, it brings to thoughts of days gone by when I had to study Physics intensely before going into the classroom. Those were the first few years of my teaching life when I was 'made' into a physics teacher though I was trained to do Mathematics.30 years ago, you don't tell the senior assisstant you prefer to teach a particulat subject. You just teach the subject you were told to do so. Every night you spend 2 to 3 hours studying for a 80 minutes lesson the next day.To be fair physics was my minor.

The biggest joke was on me in the later years. When the senior maths teacher left the school, he made a special request that I follow up his classes (Afterall I was his student in form six and collegue for a number of years so I guess he was suppose to know me and my stiff, so to speak). So happy when the senior assisstant was ok by it. BUT I wasn't allowed to leave the physics department! Wah lau for that one year I had to teach maths and physics in Form six. It nearly killed me. Everynight I was readimg, studying, comparing notes and working out questions after questions. At the end,I submitted to him and said, 'yes I want to teach Physics only' and got myself off the maths department! He was thrilled and I was saved.

Coming back to my bible study (on my own) some of the chapters requires me to read my NIV, read the study version (belonging to my son) and the explaination and then go back to my own to add on notes at the side. Only difference is that I need not do any calculations after that. But I guess I should do some self eveluation.

The best thing is I enjoyed studying both my bible and physics and I think that is the most important part. By the way, not forgetting that I can only digest it at small multiples each time!That means that after 20 minutes, I need to walk away and maybe come here to blog :)

Back to Romans!

inspiration that comes and goes.

2010-06-14T11:26:00.003+08:00

I function best composing and writing in the early hours of the morning and while I drive alone. I guess it is because those are the quiet moments I have to my self. Unfortunately, those are also the times when I do not have a laptop with me.

I composed the wedding speech so well at 5 in the morning but finds it hard to recollect at 10 in front of the computer. I knew exactly what I wanted to say in my facebook and blog while driving home after sending Au to IMU. Now I am blank!The other reason being once back at home, I can think of so many things I want to do that my mind is so crowded. 3 years after retiring amd I still make lists of things I need to complete , calls I need to make, mails I need to send and now menus I need to prepare for dinner! I am now thinking of the books I want to read as I seem to be spending all my reading time with the 2 bibles and the library is not waiting. Next I have to list the preparation for her leaving. No I am not stressed but I hope I don't forget something important with so many things in my mind.

And ever so often I am asked how I pass the time now that I am retired! To be fair, I do enjoy waking up at 7 and lazing in bed, reading my bible, having my quiet time till 9. OK I know that really sounds lazy (no thanks to daddy's pampering) but believe me, it is beautiful! :)

The next thing I noticed about me being retired is the wonderful mood I am in. I don't get impatient at drivers(I never even bother when they cut into my lane or hog the road) My children noticed I drive much more leisurely too. At restuarant, I don't get mad when Sri Melaka served me rotten prawns. I just did them a favour by ticking the supervisor off.

I love the feeling of not bothered by what others. I express my displeasure and diaapproval as freely as I show my love, care and appreciation. Those who don't gives me good feelings, I totally stay away. Those who doesn't meet my idea of a friend, I stay disconnected. I could just rechoose my friends as I know them. Ahhhh, the peace of not having o please or tolerate for the position I held. And the best part is that I still have numerous friends. It goes to prove that there are plenty of good people out there.

Now to go lay back to read the newspaper. Before anyone get green, that is one thing I seldom gets the chance to do so. While I used to scan thro political blogs and reads the paper diligently, I settle for headlines nowadays. Don't ask me why but I don't have the time!

All Grown Up aka Blessings too

2010-06-03T11:04:00.003+08:00

As he prepares to go jungle tracking for the first time in his life, the girl help packed for him and the boy brings him to the collect point. Now to pray for his safe trip.

updated blessings..........
exstudents who still have nice comments about me when they are already mummies of teenagers themselves.God send angels to make my day. PTL

Battie and Lizzie

2010-06-02T11:19:00.003+08:00

Battie has been visiting ever so often enjoying her/his supper of fruits at my side patio at midnight. I have nothing against small friends but after having to clean after her with buckets of water every morning, I wish I know how to discourage her/him from coming.

On the other hand, the cinnamon sticks I left around the house seems to have discourage Mr Lizard from popping out on my walls and floor!

Blessings

2010-06-02T11:14:00.002+08:00

blessing.............
A friend who took the trouble to call me numerous times just to make sure I pack medications for my daughter. bless you too

blessing...................
a sweet girl who took the trouble to share good books she read and brings it all the way to my house.
I appreciate it

Meeting Old Friends

2010-05-31T11:11:00.003+08:00

Oh, the feeling of talking and eating and laughing, teasing, and so many more emotions involved. 4 friends meetimg up thanks to the initiation of one. Left the husbands, children and house and spend 5 hours having a simple lunch, and just spending time together.

Amongst the things we did was catch up on our children's activities which includes, in-laws to be, dependency, love, maturity, sharing ideas and just being a mum.

We talked about investments and taking care of our selves on retirement. The former merely includes, schemes we try to put ourselves in, attempts to salvage against inflation, going into projects with a little bit of greed thrown in and finally just our dreams as we goes on into the next phase of of life.

Without fail, our deeper thoughts like our beliefs based on our religious background and diversification of importance and our similar thoughts too.

The beauty of the friendship is the differences we have but the capability to accept and give our views without being overbearing or hurting.

Detachment

2010-05-31T11:06:00.001+08:00

Going to practice this for as long as I could.

2010-05-27T11:30:00.003+08:00

One of those times when you just feel down and you don't even know why. Is it her leaving, his going, or justthe hormones?

Something to share

2010-05-19T11:11:00.001+08:00

Something fr Our Daily Bread that strikes me

-----We all face giants in our lives—worry, doubt, fear, sin, and guilt. But with limited and unlikely resources and unswerving confidence in our all-powerful God, we too can triumph over them.

Come, Lord, and give me courage—
Thy conquering Spirit give;
Make me an overcomer
In power within me live. —Anon.

God gives us courage to challenge our giants.------------

What would I say..............

2010-05-11T23:21:00.002+08:00

In the stillness of the night, all quiet, people tend to think a lot. I do. I talk a lot with myself, with God and then sometimes just thoughts. You wonder if those thoughts will ever reach out to anywhere, any place, anyone. Being an introvert and basically a quiet person, I don't 'pull' up anyone to listen to my thoughts either. Maybe that is why when Internet has blogs, it appeal to me a lot.

Thus the title of this blog pops up ever so often. Tonight I decided to list down the first of a series of things I would say or do (as i feel now) meaning I may change as time goes by.

#if my children ask me who will be a good spouse for them......
Finding your soul mate is not easy but when you do, you will know. Even when you do find him or her, it is not 'happily ever after'. Therefore it is important that you must love each other to place the other more important than yourself. My friends are so surprise that I don't place importance on race and background as a choice. But I do say that in that case, it will bring about more to overcome before achieving 'loving each other' status.

#when my children and their spouse want to set up home on their own.......
I do believe that as you marry, it is time to leave your parents and be one with your spouse. It is also time for the parents to let go of the children(from both sides). If we have taught our children well, we should know that they will love us enough to come back to us. In this case, it will mean, to see to us and to take care of us as needed. So do go with my blessings

#when my children becomes parents........
A child is a gift of God.Whatever the circumstances, the child is entitles to the best love and care you can provide.No two way about it. To have a child is solely the parents decision and remember the child has no part in the discussion thus the child's entitlement

#if I am in a coma and is not likely to wake up after a year..........
please let me go.Being a living dead is one of the saddest thing to me. It pains the one in bed and it pains those who love me ever more.I have no regrets in life and I have fulfilled my role.

The situations are countless and there is no end to this blog so it only could be continued and never end......................

Mother's day

2010-05-08T23:35:00.002+08:00

A day for children to show appreciation and shower love on their mums.

Me ...... I am well blessed in that sense. My 3 precious gives me more than I expect with all their hugs, love and kisses at every occasion they can. What else can I ask for in this respect? I thank God for these 3 blessings. They are proof enough to me that He truly love and bless me.

Me ......... mother's day is a reminder of all the above and a stronger commitment to love them more.I love my 3 precious like there is no tomorrow.Hubby and children always do not allow me to exert myself to cook and iron for them. But to me I am fighting to cook and iron as much as I could for them. To me, I treasure every moment and day I have with them and so I want to do as much as I can for them.I am so scared of the day when I can't do all these for them.

I may be your champion mum but you all are my 3 trophies. I love you Adrian, Edmund and Audrey. I Thank God for the chance to be your mum.

Questions

2010-05-02T20:54:00.004+08:00

When you open the bible and get psalm 23 twice in a row, what does it mean? Verse 4? Is He saying it is time for goodbye?

Some one ask what is this thing they name 'calling'?

Next, when the lamb hears a voice, is it His voice? Is she hearing right especially when the frame of mind itself is in question?

Feelings

2010-04-30T11:29:00.002+08:00

Looking at 2 books at the moment.

1. Her sister's Keeper
About a younger sister conceived to save the elder sister with leukemia

2. The diving Bell and the butterfly
A 43 year old french editor who wrote the book after he was permanantly paralyzed communicating by blinking his left eye.

You wake up every morning saying your thanks and then wondering why are you talking about your miniute problem with Him. Being human, our miniute problem is still a 'big' problem to us. But you know deep down, you are blessed and you then say a prayer for all those who are in need of Him.

Why I was absent the last month.

2010-04-26T11:01:00.003+08:00

The last 5 weeks has been a busy busy time with so much to squeeze in to so 'short' hours(I won't say few hours as I find it lengthy to explain to others why a retiree has fewer hours than others).

As Au started 4th semester last week, it involves even more movement and less manpower to help in the home chores.

Ed has been so tired over his last posting and we had been making weekly family trips to Seremban to give him moral, spiritual and physical support.

The new treadmill came in last Saturday and I couldn't wait to go back to my walking regime again. That means another hour needed.

With Sunday's worshipping, (and we have been attending FGA, ACTS Summit and ACTS Nilai), Sunday is also shortened by half a day.

But am I complaining? NO, I am definitely not. I never truly understood what it meant to have the ability to do things until now. What it meant to say
'Iam glad I am breathing today so that I can do the endless things on my to-do list.
I am glad I have the emotional and physical health to do all the chores of the home.
It is wonderful to hear the snores of the guy next to me though it mean I can sleep the night thro.
My muscles are aching but I am thankful my chidren are near enough and appreciative enough for me to cook for them.
I feel so blessed that I can afford to bring things to the home.
I don't get all worked up when the neighbour dirties my floor with his jet washing and painting cuz I am glad I have the strength and has a washing machine to help me.'
And much much more.

I also can't help smiling when a paster said he can't explain why some people are more blessed than others. I now know what he said was right. While he is blessed all through, I know now I definitely need to go into the house of the Lord and proclaim before I am blessed! : )

I need to declare He works in mysterious ways and I know now there is no need to question why.I am taking baby steps in so many things but I am learning. Blessings comes in so many ways and channels and they also includes friends like KP, G, JL who feels I am important enough to share their life decisions, TW, AZ and PW who said the right words to bring the spirits high when I am low. And the best part is that all things was only possible through His grace.

A New Beginning

2010-03-15T11:21:00.002+08:00

It was a good Sunday morning. You know you took the right path and you feel good about it.

You also know that to walk the path need sopport,strength, faith, wisdom and courage from all and especially Him.

You feel like a baby taking your first steps. You feel lost and incompetent but you will walk on.Those were the days when daddy and mummy are all ready to catch you when you fall. This time round, you depend on Almighty.

I no longer question why. I can't see beyond my feet but I trust the hand that leads me will do the rest.

2010-03-09T20:08:00.002+08:00

OK I got Your point. I will fullfill my part. Stay with me and gave me strength, faith and courage. Hold my hand as I walk down the path.

.......................................

2010-03-07T16:05:00.002+08:00

So I see. Life decided I need to be shakened again. It has to nudge me further. It is said that He won't push you where you can't take it.
Sometimes I am not too sure. Grasping for straws again.

Up and Down

2010-03-04T15:31:00.003+08:00

Life is like a yo yo. One moment it goes up and the next it goes down. As a pessimist, when you are down, you think you will never goes up. and when you are up, you wonder when you will move down. In the end, you become a worrier.and you know that it will affect others who love you so you keep it to yourself. You fight to get out of the cage At times you seem to have found the combination but then again the gate doesn't open well. Before you could push it open, it shuts up again
You walk round and round You try and try and know you mustn't give up.Sometimes you feel tired At times you decide to call the locksmith but you are not sure if he too can do the job.
Nevertheless we will carry on trying.

Braised Chicken Wings?

2010-03-01T20:57:00.002+08:00

If you notice the time, this is actually an odd hour for me to write. Unfortunately after being reprimanded by my little girl for not being able to reproduce some recipes, I am forced to be a more disciplined mother ! Boo Hoo Hoo

Ok here goes. 10 chicken wings came to my kitchen
Ten little winglets (the bony part lah ) was cut off
Ten wings went into a container with
salt
pepper,
chinese wine
And stayed there for 3 days,

Out came from the fridge one afternoon
Supposed to be grilled
But as the evening unfold,
Honey was added to the wings and into the kuali they went to be pan fried
Adter 10 minutes, I decided this inexperienced chef might not be able to identify the cooking time,
So water was poured into kuali! (smart ain't I)
But then taste might not be so good
So out come the wine and some oyster sauce ( a little bit otherwise too salty!)

When chicken is cooked tasting time!
Hmmmmmmm
taste is nothing special
So.........

Go to the fridge and saw half a lemon
Juice it and add to the sauce
Add a dash of sugar

And Viola chicken wings my style.

My Third Passion

2010-02-25T11:54:00.003+08:00

That is how I look like in the kitchen, photo curtesy of my little girl!

Has been doing quite a bit of cooking recently, relatively speaking. It has been ages since I had the kitchen to myself. Quite excited to try out the collections I made through the years. That means the family will need to eat a lot of disasters too. Ha ha ha.

Fortunately for them it has not been too bad with the help from sister anfd the internet. SImple. look at the fridge for the ingredients, search the net or skype with sis, manupulate the recipe a bit and viola, Li Li's dinner menu is ready.

So far, did

Sweet sour pork, the proper way,

Yam with chicken

Yam with pork; a simpler version where the yam is soft, cooking easier and faster but has the taste of kow yook.

Assam fish; with the help of tom yam sauce purchased from Hatyai

Braised pork with garlic bulbs and boiled eggs

Steam egg with minced pork; my mummy style ie softer

Claypot rice also with my extra ingredients and marinating sauce.

are some of the 'creations'

Pity didn't take any photos but then after sweating it out with 2 other dishes every time and trying to time it so that the food is piping hot, who has the strength to take photos! Just hope I remember how I cook them as I have the tendency to change the recipe but not note it down.

In conjunction with CNY, came up with 6 cookies out of which 5 are new recipes tested over the year.

I am pretty proud of myself. Only regret is that I haven't been doing any western which was my interest before this and that I tend to be a bit lazy and not cook everyday.

My Other Passion

2010-02-25T11:39:00.004+08:00

I did it! I went back to knitting. 2 projects completed. A kimono sweater for my princess along with a cap to keep her ears warm.

Truthfully, not very happy with the kimono. Long time no knit, a bit rough on the edge. Of course, sweetiepie is so sweet about it an love it no ends. Luckily the cap turned out well or at least to my satisfaction. 4 balls left. Thinking of my next project. I personally finds knitting and crocheting very therapeutic and soothing to my character. ie quiet, focus and something I could do by myself at my own rate. Unfortunately, it is not the fashion nowadays.Hardly any one appreciates them. So need to look further.

Chinese New Year 2010

2010-02-23T11:21:00.003+08:00

A short trip to Bangkok with my brother's and sister's family organised by niece's friend whose family travelled with us. Together 19 of us made it cosy and good in 2 vans. Though sister can't walk much but she made the strong effort.Daddy could sit back for once and let others do the organising and decisions. (He ended up being the quiet one but it's a good change)The children enjoyed it with their cousins and I Thank God for the safe journey that brought the families together helping in the bonding . Of course, I couldn't get through the trip without getting sick ! The odd hours and non stop eating spree left my tummy complaining. Daddy had to stay back in the room with me the last day but glad the children went on th the last lap of the trip.

Update 'Thinking"

2010-02-23T11:20:00.000+08:00

Reading and reading Stormie Omartian's book. Feel good

Thinking

2010-02-11T15:51:00.002+08:00

Been thinking a lot lately.

Been reading 2 books on Christian faith. 'Loving God when You don't Love the Church' by Jackson and 'Just enough light for the step I'm on' by Stormie Omartian.

The first is about being hurt by church leaders and pastors. I sure know what it meant but I am over it. So the book is a bit late (actually A gave me the book much earlier but just didn't make it to reading it).I have long forgave them and let God do the rest. I still wish them well especially the hubby and the other individual. Mine is not to judge, mine is just to do my part.

The second book is nothing new about our faith but it is appropriate at this time and space as I do some soul searching. It reminded me a lot of things about trusting Him and leaving all fears, and worry to Him.Also learn a few things along the way. It is a good read and the feeling is good too.

Well Lunar new year is around the corner. It is good to have the children and hubby with me for a few days. Couldn't help but think about next new year when Au will be in UK and E in the midst of his finals. But then again that is next year. Why think of the next moment when all we should do is make every present moment a treasure and gift from God.

Cookies were bake but at a lower scale and presents send out. Now is just to take things easy and count my every blessings.
Happy Lunar new year everyone. Gung Si Fa Cai

Health Update 2

2010-02-04T14:58:00.002+08:00

Praise the Lord. Went through second hurdle without 'fainting'. I think I am getting into fits over my teeth problem. I know I feel terribly negative and I am fighting hard to be in the positive.

Well the damage was repaired but then again I had to be reminded that it can go back to zeroth at any time. To be fair to the dentist, can't expect him to say otherwise but just that it sounds so terrible to me. Guess I had to fight the next part with His grace.

A lot goes through my head as I went through these few days but that I will reveal in another time.

In the meantime, I am thankful.

Health Update.

2010-01-29T13:40:00.002+08:00

This is the season for Feng Shui, recollections and planning ahead. So apparently, I was well jabbed with the illness star last year. Sad to say, I really had it bad the whole year. I am praying hard that things will change for the better this year. Hope what the Feng Shui says is true too for this year. Like I said before, just so tired of all that has been happening.

Met up with my ex-student who is a surgeon now. Happy to see him doing well with a lovely family. He has been a caring one all the while and is nice to know that he is still so caring offering me care in his hospital should I need it. Definitely hope I don't need it but so very touched to know it. Once again Thank you Lord for these little blessings.Btw, his daughter seems to see me as her ammah whom she is fond of! Congrats to me. Now I have move on to the next generation!

My ECG doesn't seem to show any problem with my heart (according to doctor in UMMC) but my pulse rate did goes up very high at certain times during the 24 hours monitoing session). So I am told to relax and take things easy. Easier said than done but will be trying and praying very, very hard. Also told to walk in if things get bad. Again I hope that opening will not be used!

With the lunar new year approaching, may I have a better year.!

Irritated with myself

2010-01-21T12:00:00.002+08:00

Today, one of my few good remaining teeth broke. Had to get to the dentist, somethng I detest out of fear.Luckily he seems to think there may be a small chance to salvage it. That is if I don't get an onset of toothache within the next 2 weeks. Keeping everything crossed and praying. In the meantime only liquid diet for 12 hours. What a way to lose weight!

For the past year, my health has been giving me little irritants non stop. From my teeth, I couldn't get a denture done. When I changed dentist, it got done but not very comfy so still using the old one and hoping it won't break. Maybe I should get the new one readjusted. Then my crown came off and now another tooth broke. When will it give me a break?

My womb hasn't been a good child too. The bleeding was bad, needed to undergo GA, has a scare but the good news is that the fibroids are gone. Now my body decides it is not time to go into menopause. So I had to stay young longer!

After writing it out, I guess it wasn't tat bad just that I am getting impatient and wanted to do so many things. Because of my palpitation and swelling below my neck, I had been taking things easy hoping it will improve. Having lost my patience, I started to go on the threadmill this week. Something I know I should do and actually do enjoy it to a certain extend. Guess what, the belt has to break. A sign from Someone to be patient?

When things go bad, it is good to write it out. Somehow it sounds better and after realising that it could be worst (so far no broken bones nor confirmed terminal disease and there is still something call soft diet that I enjoy if I ever lose all my teeth). So in the end, we still say our thanks.
Thanks for the blessings but could I just get some peace, Mr Health.

Reflections and Looking Ahead

2010-01-10T22:32:00.003+08:00

As I blog before, the last 6 to 8 months has been emotional to me. It took me to levels I have never experienced and thoughts I had never given any attention too.It woke me up and made me assess myself and those around me. It is amazing the discoveries one can made. I dug into my inner most feelings and taught me to make a stand.

Let's first look at my health. I guess I am at the age that all kinds of weird complains creeps in. I can blame it on menopause, old age but none the less, they are real. First I was told that cancer might be the reason for my menses problem. Then I discover a growth that is yet to be identified. My palpitations is close to my heart in more ways than one. So the next thought will be death. Couple with the death of friends ' parents due to old age and critical illness., I am once again thrown into the cubicle of morbid thoughts.

When I first thought of the prospect of death,my first thought was my 3 children and hubby. That is normal for a mother and wife. They are the hardest to let go.So I cried about it and even spoke to my children about it. As time goes by and as the months' events unfold, my thoughts evolved too.

I reflect back on my life. I have been the best teacher I know how. I taught the kids in school sincerely and does my part in my role in the school. I have no regrets.As a mother I have given the children the best I have and know. My friends said that I am doing too much but I just wanted to love them in all ways I know how.As I wife, I have kept up to my wedding wows. I place him above me and try to be the best wife possible supporting, protecting him, staying loyal. As a daughter-in-law, I certainly believe I have done the best. I had given her everything I could. My only regret is maybe I hadn't the chance to love my papa and mama as I should have as one died early and the other at a time when I didn't know how to love her.

With that in mind, I have no regrets. I had always reminded myself not to expect thanks and gratitude and in times of pain, I had used that mantra to stay afloat.I had placed my family above all and over me. If my child or children does not or do not feel the same way about me, I remind myself to accept it for it is between them and themselves and maybe God if they believe in one.If my husband do not keep his wows the way I expected him to do so, so be it. I tell myself that 30 years is a wee bit too late to complain or regret.To love and to protect, to detach oneself from one's family and go forth to start anew family is after all a choice with himself.I have always believe that if your other half is not what you expected him to be, there is only 2 ways to the problem that is accept him or walk out.Don't ever wait for him to change or to learn. That never happens.

Of late,I am reminded that all that I gave to my career has not gone to waste and to that, I am grateful.To my parents, maybe there might be an opportunity to fulfill my duties in the after world Otherwise all I could do for the moment is to say I love you two.

I doubt I would cry now if I am met with death now as I did several months back. My children have demonstrated different types of independence. Those who can will be ,he who choose his path has already does.It is a feeling of having walked my path the way to my satisfaction. I lived my life well.I had no regrets and what else would one crave for other than these serene thoughts. What remains is the constant reminder that I should live each day the way I felt best.After all in the end who loves you best other than yourself.

Reunions and Meetings

2010-01-08T12:15:00.003+08:00

Had been a good month meeting up with old friends and connecting with exstudents.

J is back from Texas on personal reasons .Got her connected with her exAssuntarians. Though I am not one, I am surrounded by them by virtue of Sixth form class. We had 2 sessions and it was good because as usual all those here in Malaysia needed an outside reason (in this case an Texas friend who will only be here on limited duration) to meet up.

And this too is the same with our gang of exteachers from BB.This time though we didn't talk of school but more on health and retirement plans. We had a good laugh thinking of hooking on facebook and buying retirement homes in the same area so that we can spend time together.Health also becomes a common topic an we are all over 50s. Comparing notes on magic stones, lumps,Reiki treatment, health plans, insurance and whatever else. Children are never missed out too, comparing them to us when we were their age. Alas, the generation ideals changed so much.

I also met up with some ex students on a one to one basis. Was good to to find out their latest activities with their life and treated like a VIP.

I have a few more catching up to attend before the Chinese New Year. One with my HEMs group and a couple more with students who were sincerely trying to buy me a meal or two. A little paisei but well, maybe is the time to enjoy the fruit of my labour.